Dear Ellie:

I hope that your first experience with someone close to you passing away is far far in the distance but the thing about life is that you truly never know. And honestly your first experience or your 5th, it all hurts. I remember the first time someone I knew passed…it was my Great-Great Uncle Richard; I couldn’t have been more than 5 and didn’t really understand the concept but I cried and cried to my Daddy and he gave me red kool aid. Then yesterday as I drove home taking the streets instead of the expressway because there was a bad accident I realized somewhere along that hour and a half drive that I was taking the same route that I would take to see my Granny, one of your namesakes, during the last months of her physical life. I drove that way several times a week for almost a month to see a beautiful angel named Elizabeth begin her journey out of this world, but yesterday I was driving just to get home to see my angel baby Elizabeth. And again I was so grateful for you. Because you’re always in my thoughts you are somehow always guiding me to see the bigger picture and my silver lining. The night my Granny passed I remember the phone call that came during a time of the night when the phone shouldn’t ring and I remember telling your Daddy that I think this will be it I knew if she was headed back to the hospital she wouldn’t be coming back. I didn’t think this because I’m pessimistic but because I knew my Granny she was VERY strong willed, just like you, and she told us she wasn’t going back to the hospital and I knew with her strong will she would determine just when she decided to move on. On the the drive to the hospital with your Yeye to hear the inevitable news I said a silent prayer not that she would stay just until I got there or anything like that but just for peace because I think in those type of times that’s the best we can ask for. When there is truly nothing you can do just ask for peace to surround you. I also remember the next day June 3rd so much clearer…I remember finally breaking down and I remember talking to your Daddy, your God Mommy Kris bringing me cheese fries, your Aunt Brandy letting me know she was sorry to hear even though it was your cousin’s birthday. These are the things that stand out to me…the people who truly genuinely care. When the time comes for you to experience a loss let those people be there for you don’t push them away God place them right there for a reason. They may never even really know what it meant to you but that’s not always the point and they won’t do it for the recognition anyway. When someone close to you passes it may feel like a hole being burned into your memory and heart…time will stop for a moment and you’ll never forget it. Just like I remember the tears your Pops shed when my Great Grandma Rose passed, or my heart stopping when I realized the phone call your Daddy got when his Granny (your other namesake) passed, or my roommates gathering around my tiny dorm room at CAU so I could get the news my Aunt Janet had passed (that’s still probably the biggest shock of my life) and so many more times that will forever be there in my memory. Sometimes those memories will sneak up on you and take your joy away momentarily. But in those times my baby remember the other memories, the really really good ones that make you laugh until your side hurts. When the sadness creeps in I hope you smile like your Daddy does thinking about his cousin Shareeka or how your Yeye and your great aunts laugh thinking about my Aunt Denise. Death is the more unfortunate of the two universally guaranteed parts of life but take joy in knowing its a cycle. With death will come life again. You remind your Daddy and I so much of your namesakes at different times and sometimes I get a little jealous because I know you get to laugh and talk with all those angels around you. And those angels will never really leave you. We carry the people we love in our souls and that never changes. The hugs stop and the sound of their voices may fade but they never leave us. So I hope you can find joy in that, and find a way to smile a little quicker when you feel like someone has been taken and until you’re ready just remember to rely on those living angels like mommy’s, daddy’s, uncles, aunties, best friends, a nice stranger, etc that God gave you to help pull through. I promise my baby even after death you will find your way back to life. After all just like my Granny would always say instead of goodbye its Just For Now…

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl facing the idea of death remember that spirits don’t die. They are there in the smile of a baby or the little signs that make sense to only you. Don’t feel guilty in moments of happiness because continuing to live doesn’t dishonor those no longer with us. Be strong and in that strength don’t be afraid to be weak.