Monthly Archives: July 2014

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Touchy Feely

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Dear Ellie:

This week sports anchor Stephen A. Smith was placed on suspension from his sports talk show because of comments he made regarding a woman not provoking a man to hit her after the spouse of a sports star admitted that an altercation began between herself and her spouse after she hit him. I know by the time you read this society will have long since moved on and forgotten the exact wording Mr. Smith used but I don’t think it was his words that made people upset but more so the overall concept he was discussing. In my eyes the real underlying issue is the culture of violence amongst many low income and/or minority groups. Children who are constantly in defense mode ready to fight whether boy on boy, girl on boy, or girl on girl grow into adults who have yet to learn to how to resolve conflict despite the fact that the playing field is no longer even as one group has the undisputed ability to inflict more harm. Monday through Friday when I leave you in the morning I do so to work with individuals effected by domestic violence something I’m passionate about. And in serving them in different capacities I’ve learned so much that I don’t think I would have been as aware of otherwise so I feel inclined to ensure I have discussions about topics such as these despite the potential for it to be uncomfortable. Through working with adolescent girls I’ve come to realize it is not good enough to just to tell you not to let a man put his hands on you because in reality it’s not really about “letting” anyone do anything. The word let gives the impression that there is some type of choice in the matter as opposed to the reality of someone snatching power away from you. So my baby I promise to not just say don’t let a man put his hands on you but I promise to also talk to you about the signs that come before the literal slap in the face. I also promise not to raise you or allow you to participate in a culture of violence that promotes violent relationships from either side of the coin. Physically fighting your spouse does not make it any less a case of domestic violence nor does it prove anything or make you tough. I saw a video on Facebook today that broke my heart a girl who could’ve been no older than 16 was begging a male peer to hit her while arguing with him as he repeatedly told her to get out of his face (and I don’t say begging based on my opinion of her deserving to be hit because as I’m sure I’ve taught you by now no one deserves it but rather actually asking him to hit her). It broke my heart because I wondered where she learned this and what was going through her head to make her so sure that this boy would hit her, and because I knew that part of her probably thought that if she antagonized him enough to hit her then she would be in control of the situation rather than a victim. I want to make it explicitly clear to you my baby that you do not have to live life like that. Fighting a man does not make you tough, asking for help if he hits you does not make you weak, and being in a relationship where tempers are always flaring and you or your spouse “can’t control yourself” does not make it “real”. You have the right to live life in peace and while Daddy and I provide you with that atmosphere now I know there will come a time, far to soon for my liking, that you will have to make choices that define your lifestyle for yourself. When that time comes remember your worth my baby remember that you are a Queen and align yourself with that image. When I think of Queens I think of a quiet strength one that no one would dare test because they know standards must be met. Love yourself always my baby and set expectations for how the world should treat you but don’t forget to return the favor. It is my hope and sincere prayer that you never get caught in a cycle of violence and in that same prayer I remember your male cousins ( the whole gang of them) and hope that somewhere another Mommy is teaching their daughter to respect the gentlemen they are becoming so that your generation can create the peace that should start in our homes.

Love You Always,
Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who will fight a boy at the drop of a dime or whose intended solution should they ever find themselves in a domestic violence situation is to fight him not just for the moment but for the duration of the relationship…it’s ok to walk away. Feel free to end any relationship, as safely as possible, where you are being disrespected. Allow yourself peace. I have met women who have literally had to fight for their lives…thankfully that is not you. Instead of preparing yourself for a fight that has not yet began reevaluate your standards, set a new plateau and rise above violence. It’s alright to be alone if you can’t be respected. And if you have already found yourself constantly having to fight there is always help even in the darkest hour.

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For Your Consideration

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Dear Ellie:

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, from being a wife and mom is the art of constantly being considerate of others. I say art because I think its something that may come natural or that we can learn from observation but to truly be considerate it takes practice and care. It takes skill to stop yourself in the midst of your anger, busy day, or selfishness and truly think about how that other person must be feeling or what their reaction would be to your action. You will have a time in your life where you will have the right to be selfish and to do things that are best for just you regardless of others because you won’t truly be responsible for anyone else and during that time I will do my best to encourage you to enjoy it. While there are certainly perks to being tied to you and Daddy I know that I can appreciate it so much more because I was able to freely enjoy other phases of my life and I can look back now with the understanding that while I cared about and took into consideration the feelings of those I love I ultimately made decisions based on my thoughts and feelings. But while I want you to enjoy that phase of your life as well I also want you to also remember that for every action there is a reaction and we are never really alone; we are always connected to those around us. So with that in mind my baby be sure to be considerate of others and what their role is in your life and vice versa. Despite the fact that me and Daddy’s world revolve around you the entire planet does not operate like that (shocking I know). Before you ask something of someone be sure to consider if the tables were turned would you do what you are asking of that person and if you did how would you feel about it. When we sharpen our ability to connect with the feelings of others around us it essentially leads to us being better human beings. It is not enough though to be aware of others feelings but we have to constantly make an active decision to care. That sounds easy but when your own feelings get hurt, or your desires hang over your head, or we begin to move so fast that it all becomes a blur of things we are unaware of in the midst of our tunnel vision we can easily miss this major piece to the puzzle. I hope for you to always keep your heart free to love and care and to never let it harden over so that you can’t connect your humanity with that of another person. I hope that you don’t allow the world to desensitize you to the traumas of others or the daily emotions of those in your life as they are equally important.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who is proud to say “I don’t care”…this is not a bragging right my dear. Whatever has occurred to harden your heart that it can no longer function to its full capacity to love and care for another person…let it go. Be considerate of your self and allow your self the opportunity to freely use your heart. Be brave enough to care despite the pain.

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Catching Smiles

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Dear Ellie:

While we were out shopping the other day a nice lady approached us in the parking lot and asked if she could get a closer look at you then went on to say how pretty you were. She ended our conversation by telling me that you made her smile. A simple enough statement but something in the tone of her voice told me it was much more powerful. It got me to thinking in a world where adults are always trying to be super man or super woman to someone, aka moving way to fast to even enjoy that someone, we can often forget about our biggest super power…the power to bring joy to someone’s life even if only for a moment. In my late teens/early twenties people would always tell me to smile or ask why I looked so angry and honestly my baby I was hardly ever angry about anything (except that people kept telling me to smile). In most cases it was a natural look I had that said “please don’t bother me” or “do I know you”, which can actually be helpful when you’re just trying to walk to the grocery store from your dorm room without some guy thinking its his right to occupy your time with rude comments. So I decided to keep my “don’t bother me” look and if someone really irritated me I would respond to the constant question about why don’t you smile with a straight faced “for what” or a snippier “there’s nothing to smile about right now”. Years later though I realize there is always something to smile for and you do it for yourself or because it could possibly make someone else’s day. It does you no good to let the guy’s with the rude comments or the individuals who take delight in your missing smile convince you to withhold your smile from the world. There will be days when you really don’t feel like smiling, you may be tired, heartbroken, sad, or angry, but its at those times my baby that you truly learn to smile. And its not about being fake its about tapping into the happiness that you should always carry with you. Don’t ever let the world convince you that EVERYTHING is bad. No matter if your day, week, month, or year has brought you nothing but dark clouds as surely as you are breathing you are still blessed and still have a reason to be here. So smile because you remember how Harvey Warvey comes to wake you up in the morning, or how your cousins love to hug you, smile because your shirt is your favorite color…whatever your reason just smile because smiles are contagious and you never know who needs to catch it.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who has traded her smile for a brave face to show the world its ok to let go for a second. I promise you that no one will think you are soft because you found joy in the moment (and honestly if they do they are probably wishing they had found that same joy first). Life is meant to be enjoyed and you have to define how you do that for yourself so go ahead smile at the cute baby you saw or the nice old lady crossing the street it could change the world for either of them…and you.