Dear Ellie:

Now that I’ve settled back into being home I’ve really had time to reflect on my trip. What stood out to me most about the amazing people I met in South Africa was their spirit. I had the opportunity to meet with people who are doing excellent work across the board primarily for children who may not have a home, running water, or access to what most people in this country would call “the simple things”. In spite of those circumstances though, or perhaps because of their circumstances, their smiles are bigger than some of the world’s richest CEO’s. One man that I met who worked in Soweto as a soccer coach, and so much more, asked me how I was doing and when I replied good and asked him the same he replied that he was great and had no complaints then he paused and said, “Wait let me think do I have anything to complain about…no, no I don’t.” This statement stuck with me for some reason because I’m sure that he had something in his life to complain about, after all we all do my baby, but he made the conscious decision not to. Now I’m making the conscious decision to do the same and I hope I will be able to provide an example for you that will inspire you to smile and be grateful no matter your circumstance.

While in South Africa I also had the chance to visit the Hector Pieterson Museum. It was a powerful experience as I walked through and saw the story being told of a group of students from Soweto who refused to be treated as less than, many of whom paid the ultimate price with their lives. One thing I noticed before entering the museum as well as the Apartheid Museum was that photography was not allowed. Though I don’t claim to know the exact reason for this rule I realized after leaving each museum that being in the moment in a time when it is so easy to get caught up in getting the picture instead of the memory I was more tuned in to what I had been allowed to witness. The fight for freedom across the world, particularly for those of African descent, has been and continues to be a hard fought battle with a not so pretty storyline. I hope you always respect the people who came before you my baby. They never knew your name or saw your face but they fought for you all the same. Taking that into consideration I realized the least I could do was observe their stories without having to get the perfect picture.

And honestly my baby there is no such thing as the perfect picture; in life it is all about perception no matter the topic. So for you the privileges you have been afforded by 1. simply being born in a particular country and 2. through the hard work that Daddy and I put in to supply your needs will ultimately influence your perception of what a hard day is or what you complain about. You are human and I will never try to make you feel guilty for having a bad day or letting a complaint slip, because we all have our days, but I do hope that you are able to broaden your perception of life in a way that allows you to remember that your privileges and blessings are not ones that are afforded to everyone. And this goes beyond the materialistic possessions you will acquire. Be grateful my baby you were provided the life you have been given for a reason; and never look down on another because they haven’t been given the same. The children I met who lived in the villages with no running water, paved roads, and were sharing a shack with 10 family members also spoke 11 languages, loved playing soccer, and were genuinely happy so a book truly can’t be judged by its cover. A person with half as much can be twice as happy as their neighbor and our ability to dictate our happiness is where the true privilege lies.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl longing for what someone else has thinking it will make them happy trust me you don’t know the whole story. We build our perceptions based upon the information we have available. I know right now the world seems obsessed with social media and the lives of celebrities but always keep in mind who writes the story. And remember that you have the privilege of narrating your own story and you can paint yourself as the heroine or the victim…its all in how you picture yourself.

Dear Ellie:

Of all the stuff I’ve been brave enough to do over the course of my trip, like going into a cage with lion cubs, I think it took the most guts to leave you and Daddy for so long because you all are such a big part of my happy place. When people ask me what I do for a living or what I’m studying the next question is almost always “isn’t that tough to deal with?”. And honestly my baby yes it is tough I deal with the troubles of others day in and day out but the one thing that keeps me going and smiling is coming home to you and Daddy. Home truly is where the heart is and I want you to remember that. No matter where life takes you I promise to always be there for you to come back. Even if it’s not physically coming home; even if it’s just a matter of reminding you that you’re loved, you’re strong, and whatever it is you put your mind to you can do. I’m well aware that no matter how talented or smart you are sometimes you need a reminder and sometimes you just need someone who knows when you need a hug. I feel so blessed to have that and to know I have the opportunity to give you the same. Don’t ever be afraid to rest. When you’re built for greatness you have to remember to maintain the tools you’ve been blessed with. So whether it’s coming home or having a quiet moment to get back in touch with yourself never loose sight of where your heart truly is. Your heart is like your North Star as long as you stay true to it you can find your way.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who sees home as a place of anger, hurt, and anything but love…take control and find your own happy place. Home is where you find peace and love and sometimes the only place you can get that is within yourself because we can’t control those around us. But just because there is chaos around you doesn’t mean you can’t find the peace you need right in your own heart.

Dear Ellie: 

I usually don’t write you about the same topic back to back but I really want to make sure I don’t slack in talking to you about what your heritage means especially in the country you are being raised in. I also want to make sure that I document for you just how certain events make me feel so that when your time comes to learn about it you get the fullest effect possible. You are a beautiful brown baby girl which means you will grow up to be a gorgeous black woman with a host of other great qualities like intelligence, compassion, and strength. Yes definitely strength my baby. I’ve never met a weak black woman in my life; though I have met many who didn’t know how strong they were just yet. The type of strength you will grow to posses is the kind you only get after you work through the fear you experience after your Father is called a nigger by a white man in your presence and you know the only thing stopping him from lashing out is the strength of being a good Father. Its the kind of strength you get when you learn to hold your head high when you walk into a room full of people who don’t look like you and who are staring at you in amazement as if you arrived through some kind of magic trick simply because that’s what Mommy raised you to do. These are the types of experiences that brought me strength and yes my baby you will definitely be strong too. I just hope you remember to use your strength in a positive way because your strength isn’t just meant to benefit you my baby. You see black women in America are apart of this dynamic duo with black men and when we put our strength together and support each other the world can change. You were born to be the Coretta, Betty, Myrlie, Camille, or Ruby to someone’s Martin, Malcolm, Medgar, Bill, or Osie. And I don’t mean that to say you were born to marry a black man, love comes in all forms. But regardless of your spouse never stop supporting your black brothers blood or otherwise. Those women I named and countless others supported and fought along side their counterparts. You can do the same. Another young black man named Ezell was gunned down by law enforcement early this morning on the other side of the country but it hurt my heart like it was at my front door step just like it does anytime I hear of a young black man dying far to young in an unnecessary manner. I’m not psychic so I don’t know how your generation will encourage change but I pray that you find a way, or make one, that works. Its common practice for my generation to take to social media to express social outrage and while some people consider it to be passive I’m not mad about it one bit. Everyone is not a gun toting Black Panther militant anymore than those who are can be the type to sit idly by. But my baby everyone can do something. The power of a determined collective group focused on changed is beyond measure. But don’t wait for something terrible to happen to uplift your counterpart, they need it every day. And honestly if you need a tragedy for inspiration they unfortunately happen every day. To be a black man in America far to often means waking up to the reality that today I may be doubted, mistreated, discriminated against, put down and it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or how I perform as an individual. I don’t say this to create a sense of pity in you because pressure overtime creates diamonds and over the centuries in this country have turned that experience into a source of strength and sheer will power. In essence I say it because if you’re going to be judged as a group why not encourage those you are grouped with to be great and support them in your collective fight. Be strong my baby & share your strength after all what are superheroes for if they don’t help save the day. 

Love You Always, 

Mommy

P.S. To any little girl reading this…black, white, or any other color…respect the struggle of the person next to you. If this is not your reality that does not give you the right to say it isn’t someone else’s. It is my sincere wish that every little girl reading this grows up with all the privileges she is deserving of and it is the honest truth to say that each will not. However, what NO ONE can keep from you is the ability to believe in a cause or a person. Fight for what you believe in however you see fit duo or not you are dynamic!

Dear Ellie:

I hate having to tell you no but as a busy little toddler its a word you hear often. So knowing the way I feel dealing with simple matters such as telling you that you can’t go in the garbage can or step off the curb I can only imagine the knots I’ll get in my stomach when you start asking about the tough stuff like why is there so much hate and violence in the world, what’s suicide, or why do little black boys get shot and killed so often. I know I won’t like to see your innocence slip away but I promise not to let that innocence turn into ignorance and allow you to pretend to be blissfully unaware. You are born of African descent being raised in the United States of America and that in itself will shape your world view beyond measure and it will allow you to live with the reality that life is not always perfect many times for reasons outside of your perceived control. Sometimes my baby, life just changes much to fast for our liking. Like for Mike Brown or Trayvon Davis. I was not present and I can’t pretend to know every fact surrounding their last moments but I do know that they were two young black boys in America who were shot and killed. I also know that their stories are not nearly as uncommon as I wish they were. And I know that when I look at my nephews in spite of all their intelligence, kindheartedness, and handsomeness there will likely come a time that they will come face to face with the darker side of being a black man in America and I have to play my role as a part of their village to prepare them to handle it to the best of their ability. This is our reality; one that we can not assume or expect everyone else to understand anymore than we can understand the reality of a man who’s life brought others so much joy yet he decided to end his own. Tragedies will occur in life and while I don’t want you to fear the world for the danger it may bring I also don’t want you to be numb to them. I encourage you to care and to make a difference in your world. Yes racism, classism, and all other kinds of isms continue to exist and are not likely to disappear by the time you read this but that doesn’t mean you have to accept them shine your own light of change. And on the other side of the coin if you see someone suffering don’t just give up on them or dismiss them whether its the young black boys laughing on a porch on the south side of Chicago who statistics would say are doomed to kill each other one day or a person struggling to find a reason to live. Sometimes the laughter stops but that doesn’t have to mean the story ends…encourage someone, be an example of greatness, give someone a smile for all you know they just might need it. Because my baby those same little boys can give a city hope just by playing baseball or a person struggling can find help. Sometimes tragedies happen my baby its a fact of life that we can not change but what we can decide is how we respond. I choose to try to encourage youth because I believe doing my part to change a generation means doing my part to change the world and I work in mental health because I believe people sometimes need the space to heal. For some that will not be good enough but I urge you to remember that there a lot of roles in life not all can be filled by one person so listen to your heart, play your role in you village, and hopefully you’ll help somebody to laugh again too.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. For the little girl who has to grow up and see tragedy after tragedy…you to can create change. During the civil rights movement there were all kinds of roles to be played from those that go the word out to those on the front lines marching. Whatever you are passionate about be the change you want to see and don’t let anyone tell you its not good enough. Everyone is not a militant but that doesn’t mean they can’t be effective. Sometimes its as simple as starting within yourself and asking for help or helping to bring back laughter and happiness to a place where it has long been missing.

Dear Ellie:

I love how when you hear ANY kind of music you immediately throw your hand up and start to dance. Music has that kind of effect on people and I think its safe to assume that you will grow up to like all kinds of music. There will be some songs that will learn the words to almost immediately and they will just kind of stick with you. One of those songs for me is Jay Z’s Public Service Announcement…no matter how long I go between hearing that song I can pretty much recite it word for word (and yep I’ll probably embarrass you doing it). My favorite line though is “no matter where you go you are who you are player”. I think its important to remember who you are no matter the situation, that way no one can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be. You see my baby when you allow others to dictate who you are you loose sight of who it is that you truly are and where you’re supposed to be going. I am your mother; I had the privilege of getting to know you and your personality for months before anyone else could experience you for themselves but even with that head start its not for me to say the fine details of who you are, what you should do, and how you should do it. You’re your own person my baby. And while I will never stop reminding you that you are a Queen and you are more than capable of greatness your journey is your own. So even when I tell you that you are beautiful, intelligent, amazing, talented, etc if you don’t know it for yourself the value is lost. Never let someone else’s compliments, even more important to remember when you receive as many as you do, drive you more than the good things you say to yourself when you look in the mirror because you can only control the frequency of the latter. It still puts a smile on my face for my crush aka your Daddy to pay me a compliment but I’ve learned that before he says anything it makes me even more confident to have already told myself. And its not a matter of arrogance or being conceited but rather of simply knowing who you are. Honestly I don’t consider arrogance and confidence to be synonyms, in fact often I’ve seen it only speed up the process of people inspecting your flaws and waiting for you to fail when you present yourself as perfect or better than others. We ALL have flaws my baby so remember being and knowing who you are also applies to the good and the “bad” because while there is nothing wrong with healthy criticism it clouds our ability to truly judge if that criticism is coming from a healthy place when we haven’t been honest with ourselves. So just like you look yourself in the mirror and say I’m amazing you have to also be able to say I have flaws, which I can work on and this is how I’m going to do that. If you leave it up to the rest of the world to tell you where you need improvement you’ll be scrambling to repair things that were never broken. Know yourself my baby and be yourself…and once you do that you don’t have to say who you are you just are. I often find myself second guessing the people who constantly feel the need to state how good a person they are. In my experience some of the best people I know or learned of were never big on bragging in fact they were more so focused on: A. informing you that they were not perfect or B. encouraging others to be great. I can’t remember one speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. that was all about how great a civil rights leader he was yet history tell us he was. Greatness inspires greatness not by telling someone “I am greatness and I do great things” but by simply being. Be who you are my baby and you will write your story for the world to tell in your own voice without ever saying a word.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl waiting for the first day of school to see if her outfit is cool enough or for the person she likes to tell her she’s beautiful…please don’t. There is nothing wrong with enjoying limelight or a compliment but you can not rely on the world around you for it, its far to unstable to put your self esteem in its hands. Have your head high the moment it comes off the pillow. Just imagine if you spent as much time impressing yourself when no one’s watching as you do preparing to please others when. That is where the true confidence lies, the kind that doesn’t require a single word uttered.