Author Archives: mandilyngraham

0

Leap of Faith

|

Dear Ellie:

I have been meaning to write this letter for weeks. Note to self and to you time never stops flying, which actually leads me into what I want to share with you. Time is an amazing concept it can feel different to people though its the same. For instance I just commented to Daddy that this week came quickly and is moving quickly and he replied that it felt slow to him. We had experienced the same 72 hours yet the perception of them was different. With that being time is an unreliable source at times. We can never be fully sure in many cases when its the “right time” for something. Often we have to pray on it, look for signs in the universe, and hope to God we’re making the right choice. There will also be times that we don’t receive as many signs or a clear enough answer on our prayers (honestly it will likely be most of the time) to feel 100% confident in our choices but time keeps moving and we can’t always put those choices off. In those moments we have to take a leap of faith. Dive head first into a life change, a new job, a completely new avenue for our lives. The older I get the more I find that there is rarely a perfect answer and that’s ok! Some of the decision I have made that made the least sense on paper or felt the most unsteady about because of the “risk” have some how led me here today and if nothing else taught me a lesson I value. Many of the biggest decisions I have made thus far in life I had no real way of knowing how it would all work out; in fact some of them I still don’t know. Marriage for instance is all about faith, putting total faith in someone else. The clearest answer I ever received from God was about whether your Daddy and I were meant to be but that doesn’t mean I know what will come from one day to another only that when I leaped I had enough faith to carry through the good and everything else. Being your mother is the absolute last thing I’d trade in the world but it is a constant leap of faith to do this thing as right as I can for you and to know when to acknowledge when I’m not. All around you in your village I see key people in your life reaching for bigger and better, quitting jobs, carving new paths, trying new things, and I’m so encouraged by those leaps of faith. I hope watching people you have faith in having faith in themselves encourages you and gives you the push you need when its time to leap. Its those leaps that land us on the other side of greatness. So take a deep breath, say a prayer, brace yourself, and leap. Even if you fall sometimes that’s what the leap was really all about.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl who can’t find the courage or encouragement to go after that dream job, take a chance on herself, or walk away from something unhealthy…YOU CAN DO IT! I don’t promise it’ll be perfect, I don’t know how long the journey will take but I do know that if its on your heart then half of the benefit of leaping is in the knowing and no longer questioning the what if’s. If you’re wondering should I go for it, should I take a chance on myself let this be a resounding YES for you!

0

Definition of Self

|

Dear Ellie:

Its the second day of Kwanzaa for 2017, also known as Kujichagulia…also also known as my favorite day of Kwanzaa because it was so fun to say as a kid (I dare you to say it without smiling). Kujichagulia means self determination and represents defining ourselves, naming ourselves, creating for ourselves, and speaking for ourselves. One of the things I love most about Kwanzaa, and Kujichagulia in particular, is that the principles are things I try to instill in you on a daily basis so I always feel good ending our year really highlighting things like unity, self determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. I hope as you grow that these things become more than just a candle you light in the time between Christmas and the New Year and rather things that guide you. I can already see it shining in you. Your Kujichagulia is alive and well. Of course you have moments when Daddy and I have to remind you not to give up but I can see your determination in the quiet moments when you think we’re not looking. I see you naming yourself when someone tries to give you a nickname like Lizzie and you put your foot down and tell them (week after week in gymnastics class) “That’s not my name! Its Elizabeth or Ellie!”. It may seem like a small thing but it makes me proud every time because what I see watching from the sideline is you refusing to be moved or called by something you don’t want to answer to. I see you creating for yourself in every craft that you do and story that you tell. One of my prayers for you on your life long journey to define yourself is that whatever that definition may be and however it may change that it will be one you are secure with and that you are able to speak it for yourself when you’re ready. For now Daddy and I, as well as your village, speak life in to you. We remind you that you are amazing, brilliant, beautiful, caring, and capable of marvelous things. We named you after two of the best women we have ever known and I hope you carry that with you and always take pride in it. Continue to stand firm on who you are whether someone tries to call you Lizzie or something flat out vulgar. Answer only to what you feel speaks to who you are called to be. Your Kalu said something at his recent Flowers for the Living show that I hope you took in (but if not here I am to remind you): “My greatest weapon is my belief in myself”. Believe in yourself and remember the true definition of you. When you stand strong in that no one can move you; they can either accept your greatness or move in another direction. Your Kujichagulia is a powerful magnet it can both attract those you align with and repel those you do not. Embrace it and embrace yourself.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl, whether you celebrate Kwanzaa or not, find your Kujichagulia. Its there inside of you even when you want to give up. Our Kujichagulia is what pushes us to try just one more time and even what gets us out of the bed sometimes against all odds. Your Kujichagulia can also be what takes you to the next level you’ve been dreaming about and what helps you say “No!” to those who would attempt to define you as something you’re not. Find your Kujichagulia and never let it go!

0

If You Were a Girl

|

Dear Ellie:

From the time you were just Ellie in my belly and not fully formed into my Ellie Bellie I knew you were a girl. Once that feeling was confirmed on the giant ultrasound screen at the fancy 3D place on the Northside (that I just had to go to because I couldn’t wait 6 more weeks to confirm my suspicions) there was an even bigger flood of excitement. I knew if you were a girl people would buy you tons of pretty dresses to wear, your grandparents would be over the moon because you’d be the first girl grandchild on both sides of the family, and me and Daddy would name you after our maternal grandmothers as Daddy had suggested years before. Yep, I knew all of this just because you were a girl. But my baby being a girl doesn’t define everything about you, especially when it comes to what some may think they know about you “just because you’re a girl”. Knowing you were a girl didn’t tell me that you’d actually grow to like Nike sweats like daddy wear just as much as you dresses (most times you like them better). Knowing you were a girl also didn’t tell me that you’d like space so much and have early dreams of being an astronaut or that my own idea of being a woman and raising one would be tested. There are a lot of things that just knowing whether or not you were a girl could never tell me. Being a girl is fun, challenging, magical, empowering, draining, and a whole lot of other things all wrapped into one, most times on a daily basis. Society might try to define that for you but you don’t have to let it. There’s nothing wrong with going to the “boys section” to find the cute astronaut hat you would like because for some reason the clothing designer just didn’t think girls would want it. There’s also nothing wrong with loving the fluffy dress that you’ll only wear once. Define your femininity for yourself based off your likes and dislikes, and let it ever evolve. The other morning I caught you staring at me, doing your normal observations, and you said “Mommy why do you like dresses so much”. I gave my take “they’re comfortable”, “I think I look pretty in them”, “This one has pockets!”. I could see your wheels start to turn as they always do and you responded “My sweat suit is comfortable and I look pretty too.” All I could say was, “it sure is and you sure do my baby”. May you always have that much confidence in yourself and be able to take outside reflections of yourself and apply it in a way that feels right for you. I can’t tell you how often you’ll be one of the only girls at space or science camp, what sports you’ll like, or if you’ll continue to hold interest in things like hair and nails. I can tell you though that since the moment I knew you were a girl I knew you’d be strong, smart, beautiful, and that Daddy and I would do our absolute best to give you what you need to face a world that isn’t always kind to little brown girls. Building yourself, and in this case my child, up from the inside out is what makes a strong foundation not what we put on the outside and I hope you always remember that.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl: YOU’RE AMAZING!! So amazing that without us life would cease. I imagine for some that’s scary. Maybe that’s why society tries to project an image that girls are weaker or have to fit in a box. In reality though you can be whoever you want to be! And no matter what has happened in the past, even if you yourself have felt weaker or stuck in a box you can always start anew. You’re a girl, be proud of that, and define that for yourself.

0

Growing Pains

|

Dear Ellie:

It seems the older you get and the more you are able to receive these lessons in person the less I post. I was reminded recently though that we all sometimes need a reminder of who we are and what our strengths are. My hope is still that you will one day look back and read these letters, along with any other girl who may need them, and have a constant reminder of who you are and how strong, bold, and beautiful you have the right to be.

With that said my baby you are 4 years old now!! I’m not really sure where time went because just yesterday I was walking around having conversations with you in my belly. You had your yearly check up today and its undeniable how fast you are growing. (As if me and Daddy didn’t already know that judging by how you’ve already out grown half your summer wardrobe.) I remember saying to you one night after you got out the tub when you asked to be carried to your room, as you usually do, “Not tonight love bug you’re getting to big. You’re getting so heavy.” You walked to your room but must have thought about it all night because the next day you said, “Mommy I don’t want to get bigger. I don’t want to be a big girl.” I didn’t understand the connection then but I soon was able to put 2 and 2 together. Growing and changing can be a scary and certainly unfamiliar thing. I want you to remember though my baby that there is often a lesson worth learning and new abilities on the other side of that growth. Whenever I’m asked how me and Daddy knew we wanted to marry each other I usually reflect on the growing we did together from ages 18-25 (me) and 20-27 (Daddy) a lot of change and growth and also some not so great decision making and selfish choices happens during those years and if we could handle that we knew we could handle anything. Yes, sometimes growing up means letting go of what we are used to but my baby I guarantee you if you don’t let go of those things there will never be room for anything new. Its not always fun for me either trying to snuggle you and realizing your legs are far too long now to fit all the way on my lap anymore when you were just my little tiny baby. But, now I can race you around the track and watch you jump hurdles with Daddy, we are starting to read your bedtime stories together instead of just me, I can see your wheels turning in your head as you learn new things everyday, there is so much that I enjoy (and struggle with) during this phase of raising you and I’m learning to cherish every bit of it. I try to remind myself of these things when it feels like you’re getting bigger by the minute and I just want my baby back. Its a delicate balance to appreciate your memories, live in the moment, and work toward the future all at the same time but that’s life my baby. We learn, we change, and if we’re lucky we continue to grow even when our bodies stop. Don’t shy away from growing, enjoy the process, learn the lessons, and one day look back and appreciate where you started. I also want you to remember even when you physically “too big or too heavy” for me to carry, I will always be here to put your hopes, dreams, and ambitions on my back when they seem too burdensome for you. You will never be able to outgrow being my baby.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl either rushing to grow or staying in spot that not allowing her to grow as she should. Be comfortable with your growth. Don’t rush out of one phase because you think there something better at the next step. Life comes at you fast and if you take your time and build the tools you need for each phase you will soon find yourself ill prepared for where you have rushed yourself to be. We also cannot allow ourselves to stay stagnant out of fear. Neither of these options help you to truly grow into who you are capable of being. Cherish the moments, learn from the pain, and accept that your growth process is completely unique and that’s ok! Growth is necessary embrace it in your own time.

2

Finding Figures

|

Dear Ellie:
There’s a frequently used African proverb that states it takes a village to raise a child. I’ve heard that proverb a million times, and by the time you’re able to read this you probably will have heard it a million times too. I am just realizing that with our work being so connected, thanks to technology, that village is no longer just our elders, neighbors, friends, teachers etc. It’s not just the people who have held you, come to visit you, or welcomed you into this world. No, my baby, I realized today that the village is bigger than that. It’s the figures you see on the screen, the images you read about in your books, and people you learn about in museums. I realized today, as I watched you watch the movie Hidden Figures, that I was watching you see yourself in a little girl who liked shapes. At the same time I was seeing myself in a mom who just wanted the best for her child; a child with a gift for much more than shapes. And while you may never meet Taraji, Janelle, or Octavia who played the three main characters in the movie, they had an impact on you today that I can’t deny. I can however promise to continue to do my best to find figures for you outside of myself to add to your village that you can see a piece of yourself in. I want you to see the beauty, good, honesty, curiousity, perseverance, fortitude, ability, and so much more in yourself; starting by seeing it in other people. And while I strive every day to be the best example for you to watch the greatness in you is so large that it would be a disservice to pretend that I’m all you need. You are at a critical point in life where you are creating an image of yourself in a carefree way because you don’t even realize you’re doing it; but I do. I see your wheels turn when you watch Simone flip, when you see Chloe of Syncopated Ladies tap dance, or listen to Michele speak. It’s the same wheels that turn when you watch your Aunty Charisma sing, watch your Grammy garden, your Yeye baking, or see a picture of your GodMommy Kristin in her white Doctors coat. Every time those wheels turn the picture of yourself in your head gets a little clearer and a little stronger. I want you to know that you are connected to all these images that light a spark in you from the drive you read about in your new favorite book about Wilma Rudolph to the beauty in mommy’s natural hair that curls tight like yours. The ease of access to images in this world can be intimidating as a parent, but I choose to use it to show you the best, to build a digital village for you that is encouraging and inspiring. I choose to find figures for you that make you proud, make you want more, make you think, and make you smile. I don’t know if your dream of going to outer space will be temporary or if it will shoot you past the stars but I do know that you will never find it hard to imagine yourself there or anywhere else you want to go, and I’m thankful for everyone behind movies like Hidden Figures that tell stories that you see yourself in until you can write your own. 

Love you always, 

Mommy

P.S. – To the little girl looking for herself but can’t find the positive…surround yourself with those who exhibit the qualities you wish to have. Even if it’s just following nothing but positive people on social media you may see sooner than you think that you fit right in with the village you build for yourself.

2

Super Powers & Kryptonite

|

Dear Ellie:

It has been a while since I have posted a letter for you for many reasons my favorite of which being that you grow so much every day and have become my favorite person to talk to besides your Daddy. (How lucky am I to live with my two best friends.) You turned 3 just over a month ago and the things you have learned and concepts you have grasped in that short period amazes me. As you grow and I try to instill in you the values I think are important like kindness, honesty, compassion, and more I love to watch your wheels turn as the idea of you learning these things goes from abstract to every day occurrences. In trying to teach you these things I have learned so much about myself, largely because you imitate me so well that I can’t help but to say “Welp I know where she got that from…Me!.” Which is just as often a good thing as a not so good thing, but it always inspires me to grow. Being your mother has both given me the most joy and caused the most self doubt that I have experienced in my life thus far because no role has ever held so much importance. There are times that no matter what I do I have no control over the outcome of the situation, which is of course a part of life that everyone must cope with but there is something that cuts deep about not being able to make a cold go away, or having to learn to be patient when I see your shyness take over because I just want the world to see the light beam from you like I do, or worse trying to help you to navigate the loss of our dog who in your world was your best friend in so many ways. To be honest grief is not a road I expected to navigate with you at the age of 3 and yet here we are. It is in these moments that I have to be still and try to remind myself that some days we can only do the best we can and some how try to be satisfied with that even if it does not bring about the outcome we want. Being a mother has made grasping that concept in other facets of my life much easier because nothing compares to drive I have to do the best I can with you. If I can face the tough stuff with you like having to tell you no when you ask can I bring your dog back or keep my calm when you break into an unprovoked tantrum; then my baby there is nothing that I can’t handle. So in a way you have helped me to discover a new level to my own Black Girl Magic and in others you remind me that I’m not super human. You too will have moments that ground you and make you realize some things are simply out of our control…AND THAT’S OKAY! I hope you meet these moments with grace and self confidence because it is not these moments that define you it is how you continue to rise to the occasion. THAT is where our magic lies. If you can see past what you perceive to be failures and push through in spite of them, as well as because of them, you have already won the battle that you thought you didn’t have the weapons to fight. I also pray that you are able to see the reminders of your strength around you when you can’t find the voice inside yourself that tells you. You my baby are that reminder for me, constant and pure. We were at a museum about a week ago and as you drew pictures of creatures with super powers at a children’s exhibit you named several that you had created in your mind after me and Daddy. When I asked what the “Mommy” creature’s power was you simply said “listening to me” with out even looking up from your next drawing. Little did you know that moment to me was the equivalent of kryptonite being lifted off Superman. I was worried because you had seen so many people playing with their dogs, and your were likely to start running a fever because I knew you had caught some germs but in that moment I realized I was doing the best I could for you just to be present. So my baby remember hard times will come, obstacles will trip you up, and there will be times that you question yourself and your path but NEVER question who you are! Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength and beauty (inside and out) but don’t rely on them, trust yourself to be able to shake off the specks of kryptonite that may fall on you because your superpowers can never be defeated.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl (and every little girl inside a grown woman) that finds herself in a place of uncertainty know that it can and will be ok. Uncertainty does not have to equal defeat; it can be the catalyst to push you to work harder for your goal. It’s your choice. In moments when you feel you can not succeed examine how hard you have worked and give yourself credit. There is nothing wrong with self reflection, be honest but also be kind with yourself. Even super heroes have weaknesses, but that does negate their power and your weakness can not stop your power either!

0

Affirmative Action

|

Dear Ellie:

There will come a time when some one or some thing in life will try to tell you who you are or aren’t, or how good you are limited to being. Its my hope that by that time you will be so firmly rooted in who you truly are and what you are capable of that you will give that some one or some thing no more energy than you would to shoo a fly away. I hope that you are able to speak life into yourself so effectively that the sound of negativity can not penetrate what you know in your heart to be true. That’s why every morning as we drive to school no matter how tired you are or how many times you might say that you “don’t want to go to school” we say to together that you’re ready, you’re going to learn, you’re going to have fun and never to be forgotten that you ARE Queen Ellie. And you’re not Queen Ellie because that’s what the girl wearing the pretty dress in the Disney movie became or even because I told you so, you are a Queen by birthright. It is literally who you were born to be. Its a titled bestowed on you simply as you are and it can’t be taken away. No mistake or less than perfect grade can take it away and no person can snatch it away nor does your royalty interfere with anyone else’s. All you have to do to keep your crown is remember that its there. You see my baby you walk differently when you know you have your crown on and when you know what it represents. When you know its an honor just to be who you are you walk with a little more gratefulness in your heart for your blessings. And when you truly know you’re a Queen you understand that it has nothing to do with ruling over any imaginary little people because you are no better or worse than anyone else. You have been dealt different cards in life and you will inevitably make different choices that carves out your unique path but you are equal to everyone around you. Now whether they choose to acknowledge that is not your business you just continue to remember who you are; and if you see someone who has forgotten that they too wear a crown on their head I pray you encourage them but never let them steal yours away. I know right now you can’t understand any of this and to you its no more than something we say together, but soon you’ll realize it is your daily affirmation of greatness. Whether you say it out loud or keep it in your heart remind yourself everyday of who you are, greet each day with the understanding that you have purpose, you are a queen and NO ONE can take that from you my baby!

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl pretending to be a princess. You don’t have to pretend you’re Cinderella in hopes of being treated like royalty one day because you already are. And you don’t need to worry about how to get others to recognize your greatness you just need to do it for yourself then you’ll find yourself gravitating toward those who can see your crown shining when you hold your head up. Just be yourself and love yourself…just be a queen!

0

Fool’s Gold

|

Dear Ellie:

I truly pray that you grow to develop a sense of discernment and the ability to able to see truth in even the most uncomfortable of situation. You see comfort can not always be are main concern. Sometimes we have to look past what we want to see and really understand what is looking us in the face. And it may not always be easy. In fact there are times when I’m just so mentally drained from the world but I would never prefer to wear rose colored glasses. You see my baby there’s a difference between fool’s gold and real gold. Fool’s gold may look like real gold but it doesn’t have the strength, value, or longevity of real gold. What’s golden to me is not allowing someone to take my life and tell me I did it to myself, its the ability to look past the reality others, who have never experienced the things I have, try to paint. You have to be aware of the world you live in my baby otherwise people will feed you manure and call it meatloaf and worst yet you will believe them. It can be a tiring tightrope to walk when you are trying to move away from the platform society wants you to stand on and move toward who you truly know yourself to be. But always remember that your balance stick is made of your own intelligence, will power, determination, and the support of your family. And don’t worry about the net below you; it can become an illusion of an easy way out when you stumble or look down. Just stay focused on your journey my baby, help who you can as you are not walking alone, and no matter what hold on to what is truly golden.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl reading this no matter where or who you are please search for your own truth about your world. Not the tiny world we all live in that revolves around our actions but the real one, the one that keeps spinning with or with out us. And not your parent’s truth, or the truth that you wish to be true, but the one that can not be logically disputed, the one that once you find it you can never turn away from.

0

Whethermen

|

Dear Ellie:

You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather. (A quote made famous to my generation by Andre 3000…and as my child I expect you to know who that is) That is probably one of the truest things I’ve ever heard; you can only control but so much in life and believe me weather isn’t one of them. Nonetheless we continue to tune into the news to catch the local weather man’s report…and then complain when he’s wrong. Truth be told there is nothing wrong with trying to be prepared. As your Daddy would say its better to have and not need than need and not have. This practice though can become a problem when we start listening to the “whethermen” in our lives, the ones who will try to make you believe they know whether or not you should do something or whether or not you’re making the “right choices”. Sometimes these people mean well and are simply trying to use the information they know to help prepare you. But my baby some are really just dark clouds always assuming that the worst will happen to you, encouraging you to carry an umbrella of fear when the sun is shining brightly. That’s when you have to trust your instincts and say I choose to believe in positivity and to appreciate the sunshine even if the clouds are rolling in over in the distance. Because even if it rains unexpectedly in life, as it will, you were built to weather what ever storms come your way. And you don’t always need to rely on a “whetherman” to tell you what to do. Sometimes its about taking a chance and experiencing it. If you go out and there’s a chill in the air you learn that you need to bring a jacket along for the ride sometimes just like in life you will learn different situations requires different mindsets, preparation, etc. No one can tell you with 100% certainty what will come day to day. Just do your best to enjoy the sunshine and don’t fear the rain you’ll find that sometimes all you can do is dance in it. And for those really scary storms the ones that come without warning and bring thunder, rain, wind, and lightning..well there’s a beauty in surviving it.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl dealing with a world of criticism…a world that tells hers whether she’s too fat, too tall, or just too different..change the channel! Not every whether report is accurate, and honestly its off a lot of the time. And remember to take each report, especially from those who actually care, for what it is in its entirety. Just because there will be rain in the morning doesn’t mean you should stay in all day and just because someone says it may be a challenge for you it doesn’t mean you should give up. Sometimes even if the weather report calls for rain you just have to grab your jacket and hope for the best.

0

Universal

|

Dear Ellie:

I’m still reflecting on my trip to Brazil and I can’t wait until you’re old enough to handle an international flight (well for both of us to be able to handle it). There’s so much I want you see and experience. I hope you start earlier than me and go further when it comes to travel because there’s so many different things out there in the world. But what I realized most on this last trip was that we as humans are a lot more alike than we often realize and so much power and peace is lost when we forget that. There are people everywhere who struggle, who smile, who love, and who dream. I had a chance to visit a family in a favela in São Paulo and I was so in awe of how the mother’s story was to so many mothers I’ve had the chance to work with. I don’t say that to take anything away from her because no ones experience is made from a cookie cutter mold and everyone deserves to be acknowledged for who they are and how they’ve experienced life but it helps to remember we aren’t alone either. In that moment standing in her home listening to her story, even as she told it in a language I could barely understand, I started thinking of how I could help and what brought strength to others I had met with similar stories. Just imagine what we’re missing by assuming we have nothing to offer each other because we’re different. Different skin tones, different countries, different incomes they are all just categories and no one fits neatly into just one. Even as I looked at the people around me in Brazil I realized that so many of them, had history taken their ancestors on a different journey, could’ve have been my friend, colleague, or classmate. Sometimes all that separates us is geography, or religion, or what we thought was right. But I promise to challenge you to look for the similarities and the common ground. Anyone can point out differences but it takes something more to look past those and find a connection that could serve a better purpose and in the end make you a better you. 

Love you always, 

Mommy

P.S. I know that with glitz, glamour, and celebrity being so highly celebrated it seems like we’re all on different playing fields; and in some cases that’s true. But you can’t spend your life worried about how different you are, or how you’ll never have what some else has. Truth is it doesn’t matter. We are all more alike than we may like to admit but we each have a unique path to take. Our differences can help us stand out while our universal similarities can bring us together…celebrate them both.