Author Archives: mandilyngraham

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These Are The Breaks…

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Dear Ellie: 

For weeks now I’ve been seeing/hearing people say “live a life you don’t need a break from” or some version of that statement. I have to admit I frown a bit each time because I’m not sure I really get that concept. In theory it sounds good but the reality of life is that it’s a sum of pieces making a picture not a singular line intended to go on unbroken forever. The “breaks” in life are what allow us to appreciate our day to day even more no matter what that looks like for us. I love what I do and truly think it’s part of my purpose but I enjoy the days I can take a step away from my desk and get fresh air in the park. It clears my mind. In similar fashion I love being your mommy but I won’t say that I don’t enjoy the mornings that you get up early with Daddy and I stay in the bed for just a little while longer. And it’s not just me even people who travel to beautiful places for a living or who seemingly live glamorous lives often enjoy taking a break from the hustle and bustle that comes with traveling just to be in a space that they can call their own. And Lord knows once you’re in school no matter how smart you are you will watch the clock on the last day before summer break! Never let anyone make you feel as though your life is less than ideal because you enjoy taking a break from it. In reality it’s all your life. You’re not just your job or just your family we are a sum of the things that make us feel whole. So as I sit in the airport preparing to take off to Brazil I don’t feel a tad bit bad about living a life that I enjoy getting out of the routine of and I hope you never will either. We all need a break my baby and we all need balance and you have to take your own path to achieve it. 

Love You Always, 

Mommy 

P.S. To the little girl dreaming of someone else’s life…stop! Live your life by your own standards, dreams, goals, etc. Its not about living a life that you don’t need a break from as much as just living however you see fit. It’s your life and get only one never forget that! Whenever we remind ourselves of that so often the opinions of others become so much smaller. 

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Hair Today

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Dear Ellie:

I get the feeling that hair is something we will be discussing a lot over the years. Hair has always been a tool for expression for many women (and men) and its no different today. What I do think is different is that we are now open, due to technology and the world’s new culture of sharing, to criticism from individuals who just a generation ago would have had no influence on our choices for our hair or any part of our lives really. And honestly my baby a lot of those opinions still shouldn’t matter but you will have a ridiculous amount of access to them so I feel obligated to prepare you. Recently a young actress Zendaya Coleman chose to wear faux dreads to a red carpet event, some would even call it “THE” red carpet event but that’s a topic for another day. She received everything from praises to racist commentary about her choice of hairstyle. Those who chose the latter did not seem to care that she is still just a young girl but its not surprising because there will always be people who lack compassion no matter your age, gender, race, etc. I want you to know that it is not your job to fight or even acknowledge every critic that may come your way. Honestly my baby it is simply not worth the energy. However, if you find yourself moved to confront cruelty be sure to do so with the intent to provoke change and/or peace. I will teach you to try your best to do so with a clear mind, a mind who’s primary emotion is not anger. I think often it is not so much what we are trying to say as much as how we choose to project into the world. Zendaya quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in her acceptance of her critic’s apology in saying darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that and I share it with you here. Remember that we do not rid ourselves of anger, hurt, and other unwanted emotion by trying to make someone else feel the same any more than giving a cold to someone will make you sneeze less. We must take it upon ourselves to feel and express kindness, forgiveness, and healing in order to be at a place within ourselves that we can best make a difference with our reaction. You have a lifetime ahead of you making choices and I know that in every instance you will not be able to separate yourself from your emotions but I do hope you strive to work toward not allowing them to be your sole source of guidance as their sense of direction is often not very reliable. At the end of the day its not really about hair its about choices; choices to express ourselves through style, choices to like or not like it, choices to make hurtful statements, and then there is always the choice of how you respond.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who just wants to be accepted and doesn’t want to be judged. Its ok to want to fit in but in reality none of us ever fully do because we were all made differently and every choice we make has the potential to turn us more into the individual we were meant to be or pull us further from what our true potential is. We all have choices and the beauty of them is that every second of every day we are granted the chance to make another one and hopefully better ones.

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A Series of Fortunate Events

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Dear Ellie:

For the last couple weeks Daddy and I have been following the story of a young boy from Brooklyn named Vidal. We were able to learn of Vidal’s story because we were also following a campaign started by a photographer called Humans of New York that post pictures of strangers along with whatever story they choose to tell. When Vidal had his chance encounter with Brandon of Humans of NY he chose to talk about his principal Ms. Lopez who was impacting his life just by believing in him no matter what he looked like or where he came from. After Vidal’s story was shared the Humans of NY campaign decided to feature Vidal’s school and help them raise money fast forward and over $800,000 has been raised for Vidal, his classmates, and future students of his school. To be honest I am in awe of it. One man left his job and took a chance on something unconventional, met a boy walking home, a boy told his story, and now countless young people will have a world of new opportunities awaiting them, and this is only the beginning. Its a reminder that you never know when God will give you a platform or how many people he intends for you to reach. There may be times when you feel like you need to do so much preparing, growing, learning, or whatever else before you take the leap that will move you forward. Well my baby while all those things are great I want you to remember that you were born good enough for whatever journey will be. Don’t doubt your self and don’t give up an opportunity because you are second guessing if you’re ready for it. There will always be plenty of excuses to be given as to why not right now or why it shouldn’t be you, but its up to you to decide which way the scale will tip. You can weigh it down with negativity and doubt or you can trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there, and that you have been given the tools you need to move forward. We may never know where the steps we take will truly lead us so don’t spend so much time trying to plan every one because for all you know your next step can start someone on a new journey. Vidal’s principal was just about to retire and then Vidal’s story came out and she realized how important the steps she had taken had been. We may never know how we can influence others or ourselves. We just have to do our best. And my baby I just want you to focus on the good and do your best to keep yourself in a space of positivity. We all have choices and I believe we make better ones when we do so with a clean heart. Can you imagine if Vidal chose to be angry or resentful how the story may have been different? You have to wake up every morning like its your day to change the world and take every step like its leading you to a beautiful destiny because if you decide it is, then it will.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who is unsure of herself…pick today to believe. Believe that you’re amazing, believe that you make a difference, believe that you’re beautiful. We don’t always have to be 100 % sure of ourselves we just have move on opportunity. No one ever has all the answers but you won’t find the ones you need searching in the same place either.

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Reality Dreams

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Dear Ellie:

I promise not to be a weird therapist mom and try to interpret your dreams. But I also promise to push you toward whatever dreams you want to make reality. I firmly believe that dreams, however they may come to you, are a glimpse at your purpose; you just have to pay attention. While you’re young everything will seem possible but the older you get the reality of life may cause you to think that somethings can’t be done. When you think about it though the difference between your dreams and your reality is your sense of control. Even when you’re having a nightmare its your mind that’s controlling it. So imagine if you started controlling your reality instead of allowing it to be driven by barriers, naysayers, and fears. The mind is a powerful tool, and that’s not just a cliche saying, its a undeniable truth. The power of life and death is in the power of the tongue and the tongue is controlled by the mind. Imagine if you chose to believe that you could do anything and didn’t entertain anything that didn’t support that vision. The hardest part of having a dream is maintaining it with confidence and that is your job alone because it’s something you will have to do for yourself. And as you work toward your dreams remember that they belong to you and it will not be for everyone to understand. It’s not meant for everyone to be apart of your journey. I truly hope that the fad of reality TV ends before you’re old enough to notice if for no other reason than that it promotes the idea that any and everyone is entitled to your journey when in reality, pun intended, they’re not. Even Dr. King, whose holiday we celebrate today, I’m sure had personal dreams and goals that we will never be given insight to, and that’s perfectly fine. Just as dreams are revealed to us in a particular space and time we must be patient in deciding when to reveal those dreams to the world. Protect you dreams because when reality gets hard to bear the vision of where you’re going may be the only thing that continues to propel you forward.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S.
To the little girl who just wants someone to make her dreams come true…you are that person. The vision is all you need to take the first step. Have faith that somewhere along the way room will be made for your dream with perfect timing. Just keep believing; if you can do that you can do anything.

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Fresh Start

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Dear Ellie:

We are 2 weeks into 2015 and I must say, even though it can be cliché, I have always been a fan of the idea of a new year. As I’m sure you will quickly find out I am a fan of most holidays, and celebrating in general, but celebrating a New Year may just be in my top 3 holidays. For many people the new year is synonymous with a fresh start and a new beginning. And even though you don’t have to wait until January 1st to act on the things you want to improve I applaud anyone who chooses to move in a positive direction, whichever day they choose. I think another reason I’ve always enjoyed the new year holiday, especially as an adult, is because its one holiday that we celebrate that isn’t dominated by the idea of gifts. So the combination of positive energy as people feel inspired about change and the lack of materialistic distractions makes it an awesome time of year in my opinion. But my baby you do not have to wait for January to start fresh and December will not always be the end of a journey. Everyone’s chapters in life are written at different lengths and most times it is left up to us to decide when to start a new one. There will also be times when God will move so definitively in an area of your life that there is no denying that it is the end of the era for something. During those times I truly hope you listen to whatever place inside you is telling what you know is right because there will be times you have to either listen to your head, heart, or gut. I think deep down though we always know which is best we just get better at choosing it as our story continues particularly when what you want is not what’s “best”. It is during those times that you just have to have faith that when you turn the page the story will only get better even if not right away. And if nothing else be glad that it continues. I can honestly say that of the chapters I’ve had so far in life none have been my favorite. I have appreciated and enjoyed them all for different reasons and I could never choose a favorite because they aren’t comparable with each being different, important, and connected in its own right. Imagine reading your favorite book; you may have a part you like but it would make no sense with out everything that came before it and that’s how I feel about life. Fresh starts can be both exciting and scary but in the end its all about faith and working toward the direction you’ve chosen to go in. In life we don’t always get a magical midnight kiss that sets up the new day as perfect for change. In reality sometimes you just have to start where you are, hope for the best, and appreciate your journey.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. – To the girl waiting for the perfect moment to start fresh…its here. In fact its always here. You don’t have to wait to be better; the timing is always perfect to improve. Even if you only make baby steps in the direction you want to go its better than running in place. Take a chance on you and have faith in yourself. If you’ve been given the vision for something believe me that’s only the tip of the iceberg everything you need to achieve your goals is right below the surface.

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Family Recipe

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Dear Ellie:

The holiday season typically brings about two things…food and family and if you’re lucky you’ll enjoy both. This year I was glad to see you enjoy all of your grandparents on Christmas Day for a lot of reasons but mostly because that was something I never got to physically do. As I watched you I thought, as I often do, about the person you would grow to be. You’re still so innocent; you enjoy opening presents but don’t expect them or care what’s behind the paper. I know that this stage won’t last forever and I also know there’s no way to predict who or what you might grow up to be. I do know though that I will do my very best to ensure that you appreciate all the great qualities the people in your life possess. I hope your humble like your Daddy, strong willed like your grandmothers, and maintain great work ethic like your grandfathers and that’s only the beginning. In any family there’s good, bad, and the not so attractive but in the end there’s something to be learned from them all whether up close or from a distance. Your family cook book comes with all the ingredients you could ever need to be whatever kind of person you want to be but its up to you which recipe you will choose. And at the end of the day you will add your own page to the cook book with your own little twist on your favorite combinations. You don’t have to be just like any one else, even those worth looking up to. It’s ok to admire someone for their qualities or talents and be independently confident in yours at the same time. I look forward to watching you grow and try out recipes only to learn that in certain kitchens you only need a pinch of perseverance rather than the whole cup that had you working away at something that was meant to be walked away from. Humans are fluid beings; we are blessed with the ability to constantly change and grow through our own choices. So whatever ingredients you choose be proud of the cookbook that you came from; some dishes may be an acquired taste but they are loved by someone nonetheless.

Love Always,

Mommy

P. S.
To the little girl who feels like she can’t get it quite right, or doesn’t understand why she was born into or placed into a certain family…there is little good that comes from worrying about what we can not change. Instead of harping on being dealt a bad card let negativity fuel you into moving in a positive direction. After all, positive or negative, it’s all energy. And never loose faith that everything has a purpose and know sometimes we make our own choices about what that purpose will be.

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Breath Taking

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Dear Ellie:

I must admit when I decided to start writing my letters to you openly I did not take into account the number of times I would be faced with writing to you about issues that quite frankly break my heart (but its my belief that God times everything perfectly). It is a difficult realization to look at you and know that there will come a time that you will be judged on how you look not who you are, and unfortunately my baby this is a fact not an assumption. I promise to be the best example and I can be for you and to encourage you to be better and go farther than me. But I’m not quite sure how to prepare you for the anger or fear that you’ll feel when one of the black men in your life, no matter how great they are, find themselves in a confrontation with those meant to protect us. I will teach you how to call 911, not to hate any group of people, and that if a crime is committed against you to call the police. But again I don’t know how to prepare you for a system that is designed to protect you FROM people who look like you not to protect people who look like you. I remember moving to the suburbs and yours Pops being pulled over a block away from our home and I remember your Daddy calling to tell me he had been pulled over in route from Minneapolis. In both cases neither was in the wrong but excuses were given of why they were pulled over. I can not promise you that if you find yourself up against someone in power that there is much you can do in the moment but get through it with air still in your lungs but I can promise you that I will not raise you to sit passively by after the fact. I find myself feeling obligated daily to live my life in a way that will inspire somebody or help somebody even when I think I just don’t have it in me because people like Eric Garner, whatever his sins and transgressions might have been, pleaded until his literal last breath. I find myself empathizing with the family of Tamir Rice because your Daddy was once a 12 year old boy who had been taught to shoot a BB gun in the country with his grandfather but Tamir didn’t have that luxury of playing with a BB gun. I know a lot of people who say they are scared for the black men in their life but I choose not to be afraid but rather be driven for them because I love your Daddy, my Father, your Uncle, and all 6 of my nephews way too much to just live in fear. The day of the grand jury decision in the case of the killing of Michael Brown was released I had spent my entire day speaking to classrooms that were filled with young black men who could’ve very well been Michael Brown and I don’t take those opportunities lightly (and again God times everything perfectly). So my baby however you decide to fight, because while I can light the fire in you your actions are your choice not mine, just remember there are those who don’t have an option, they can no longer breathe. But as long as you able to, breathe life and positivity into those who hate and discrimination tries to suffocate.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that wonders “what am I supposed to do?”…honestly I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you can do something. Standing idly by while things you say you are against continue to happen doesn’t mean your opposed to it; it means the role you play allows it to continue. Sometimes we are not in a position to see the bigger picture but that doesn’t mean we are not a part of it. Your life is a tool use it wisely, live in a way that inspires, encourages, creates, or demands change.

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Judge and Jury

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Dear Ellie:

I truly hope you grow up to be able to continuously greet new situations with a fresh take and that you don’t grow cynical after life takes a turn that you’ll find yourself unhappy with, because there will be a lot of turns like that. I will do my best to show you how not to be judgmental of people because you truly never know how many unfortunate turns that person’s life has taken before your paths cross. However, I don’t want you to be naïve either. Being able to judge people and situations is a fine art love bug and one that can take time to master; and quite frankly as a black woman it will be essential. Maya Angelou said once “When people show you who you are believe them; the first time”. It will serve you well to remember that one because sometimes we want to believe the best in people even when faced with overwhelming evidence that a person or situation is not who or what we hoped it would be. And trust me when I say my baby that its ok…no disappointment is in vein if we can find the lesson in it. But you have to take honest inventory of those around us because if they are not contributing to the greater good in your life then why are they still there. It would be wonderful if I could send you out into the world knowing that everyone loved you as much as I did and everyone would care for you like Daddy, but the truth of the matter is that despite the billions of people in the world a miniscule amount of them will truly be good for you. That doesn’t mean though that people can’t have their good moments or that positivity can’t be found in negative situations; you just have to learn how to judge for yourself what your limits should be with certain people and situations. In this world no matter the goodness of your intent you can be turned into a villain or a hero depending on who tells your story. If you were old enough right now to travel to St. Louis County, Missouri you could find yourself in two worlds based upon who you asked to tell you what was going on. Its unfortunate that we will never truly know what happened between Mike Brown and Darren Wilson but I do know that the decision to bring Mr. Wilson to trial or not was not decided by a jury of Mike Brown’s peers and those who wish to can judge him as a “thug” who placed himself in the position to be killed. I also know that Mike Brown will never tell his version of what happened. But you my baby are apart of a generation that will have unlimited access to media and information and it will be your generation that has to use their better judgment when deciding what battles should be fought and who should fight them. Take a honest look at people my baby because not everyone will be here for your betterment and that’s not about being judgmental but rather judging character. It is character that defines a person’s actions when they are left to decide them for themselves, that drives a person’s motives, or that writes post on social media when you don’t have to say what you think aloud to anyone’s face, and its character that shows you who a person really is. So please my baby by all means see the world, be open to new experiences, and don’t judge every book by its cover but when the first chapter is filled with hatred, lies, and other disgusting parts of humanities that I hope you never have to experience (even when I know its inevitable) then at that point its ok to say I see who you are. Be your own judge and jury because this is your life, your rights, your future, etc. and you haven’t been granted the privilege of allowing someone else to protect them.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl reading this. I wish you lived in a society that wouldn’t judge you or place you in a box for your past transgression but this is the world we live in. A world where we have unlimited access to your past and it can be used in anyway seen fit depending on the person. Everyone is not to be trusted and every situation will not have a positive outcome. That doesn’t make you powerless though. Being a good judge of character and understanding the direction you want your life to go in doesn’t make you judgmental or mean that your pessimistic. Walk in your own light and let it be know that anyone or anything that attempts to dim that light won’t be tolerated any longer.

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Indoor Voices

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Dear Ellie:

As you learn more and more day by day the power of your voice I can’t help but laugh as you scream “Daaaaaaaaaady!” anytime your Daddy makes the slightest noise from another room. Hopefully by the time you read this you will have mastered the concept of an “indoor voice” and understand that its not quite appropriate to use your loudest voice all the time. But I have to say my baby I also hope that you never totally loose your voice. Today is election day; one of many election days that I’ve taken you to the polls with me in your short 18 months. I don’t remember ever going to vote with my parents but I do remember them instilling that it was important. I remember them watching the news about the election coverage all night long until the ballots were in (booooooring), and I can honestly say I didn’t appreciate it then but I always knew that when I turned 18 I was going to vote. My 18th birthday fell after I had left for my first year at Clark Atlanta University so I had to absentee vote and while I was proud to vote for the first time I was so uneasy because part of me knew my ballot wasn’t really counted. You see that was the 2004 election which is now infamous for being one of the poorest handled elections of my generation due to so many ballots being “lost” or flat out not counted. I didn’t let feeling disheartened stop me from voting though instead I made sure that the next time I voted it would be in person. As life has taken me through different experiences I’ve realized that my voice is not just limited to my city, state, or country but if I speak loud enough and often enough I could make a difference for people around the world. Your voice has that same power my love bug. You could move mountains with you voice if you use the right tone. But there will be times that you may become discouraged, frustrated, or feel like your voice doesn’t make a difference but trust me when I say it does. Your silence makes a difference too. Silence is not met simply with silence but rather the void left by it will be filled with the voices of those that oppose you and/or what you stand for. Don’t ever let any one speak for you and convince you to use your indoor voice when its time to shout with your loudest outdoor voice. My Aunt Janet once told me when I felt like giving up on something that I should never let the devil shut my mouth to what God has put on my heart to say. It was one of those things where I know she didn’t realize the magnitude of what she had said but it has stuck with me ever since and I often have to remind myself of it. You might find yourself thinking “its not even worth it” or “what difference does it make” but my baby your voice has so much power to it that its worth can not be measured and it could make a world of difference you just have to use it.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the young girl who feels the world around her has silenced her…speak up. No one has the right to take your voice from you. There are times when it may be all we have left. When you strip away all material things what is your story and how will you tell it? Use your voice for good, speak in a way that brings positivity, and when necessary use your outdoor voice

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Busy Body

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Dear Ellie:

Whenever people ask me how you’re doing I always say great, growing so fast and, always BUSY! You are always busy figuring things out, learning new words, singing new songs, or finding new ways to make me and Daddy laugh. I love to see you so busy but as you get older busy will take on a different meaning. These days people often wear busy like a badge of honor…the busier you can say you are the more important you must be. It reminds of when I was in elementary school and whenever we had a substitute teacher it meant one of two things either we got to watch a fun movie or we had to do busy work. You see busy work was usually a bunch of worksheets that our teacher would leave just so that we could say we did something that day even though it didn’t serve as big a purpose as other classwork. Truth be told filling your day with things that serve no real over all purpose or that aren’t as important as we may like to think is just like having busy work in school. These things allow us to say we were doing something and that we didn’t just sit around doing nothing (because no one wants to be known as the person who sits around doing nothing). In reality though my baby I want you to know there is nothing wrong with not being “busy”. I used to love to be apart of a million things and now that I’m truly busy, because my job as mommy and wife are both 24/7 lifetime positions and require more of me than anything else I’ve ever been apart of, I’ve learned that “busying” my so called free time just sitting on a couch with your Daddy watching you figure out a toy is the best kind of busy there is. I’d rather be busy doing nothing with the people I love than filling my schedule with things that in all honesty can either wait, be put to the side, or delegated to someone else. It took me years to figure out that I don’t have to do it all and I want to make sure I remind you of that early. You don’t have to play a bunch of sports or participate in a bunch of activities to prove anything. I’d rather you spend your time focused on what you love (and yes its fine to remind me of this when I wake you up at the crack of dawn for dance class). We all need to breathe my baby there is no award being the person that worked the most. Dedicate your time and busy yourself with things that serve you and serve a purpose not just what looks good on a to do list because when you really spend your time doing what you want and not just what makes you busy you won’t need one. I never need a list to remind me to hug you tight, or a reminder to call my mom, or an alarm to tell Daddy I love him and I thank God every day I work in a field where I enjoy what I do so its an extension of my purpose rather than a title that sounds good. And I’m not saying there won’t be times in your life where you will have to busy yourself with things you may not want to do to get to where you’re going but just make sure you’re not just doing the busy work of life but rather you’re really enjoying you life because you don’t get a substitute there’s only one life so fill your time with what makes you happy.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S.: To the girl who always has to be in the mix…make sure you are dedicating yourself to people and things that are dedicated to you. You can’t be busy doing things for people who don’t have a second of time for you. This is your life and you will never get to rewind so choose things now that serve you in a positive way. Spend your free time on things that free you emotionally, physically, and/or mentally not on things that make you feel trapped in a endless cycles of things that you “have” to do.