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P.S.A.

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Dear Ellie:

I love how when you hear ANY kind of music you immediately throw your hand up and start to dance. Music has that kind of effect on people and I think its safe to assume that you will grow up to like all kinds of music. There will be some songs that will learn the words to almost immediately and they will just kind of stick with you. One of those songs for me is Jay Z’s Public Service Announcement…no matter how long I go between hearing that song I can pretty much recite it word for word (and yep I’ll probably embarrass you doing it). My favorite line though is “no matter where you go you are who you are player”. I think its important to remember who you are no matter the situation, that way no one can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be. You see my baby when you allow others to dictate who you are you loose sight of who it is that you truly are and where you’re supposed to be going. I am your mother; I had the privilege of getting to know you and your personality for months before anyone else could experience you for themselves but even with that head start its not for me to say the fine details of who you are, what you should do, and how you should do it. You’re your own person my baby. And while I will never stop reminding you that you are a Queen and you are more than capable of greatness your journey is your own. So even when I tell you that you are beautiful, intelligent, amazing, talented, etc if you don’t know it for yourself the value is lost. Never let someone else’s compliments, even more important to remember when you receive as many as you do, drive you more than the good things you say to yourself when you look in the mirror because you can only control the frequency of the latter. It still puts a smile on my face for my crush aka your Daddy to pay me a compliment but I’ve learned that before he says anything it makes me even more confident to have already told myself. And its not a matter of arrogance or being conceited but rather of simply knowing who you are. Honestly I don’t consider arrogance and confidence to be synonyms, in fact often I’ve seen it only speed up the process of people inspecting your flaws and waiting for you to fail when you present yourself as perfect or better than others. We ALL have flaws my baby so remember being and knowing who you are also applies to the good and the “bad” because while there is nothing wrong with healthy criticism it clouds our ability to truly judge if that criticism is coming from a healthy place when we haven’t been honest with ourselves. So just like you look yourself in the mirror and say I’m amazing you have to also be able to say I have flaws, which I can work on and this is how I’m going to do that. If you leave it up to the rest of the world to tell you where you need improvement you’ll be scrambling to repair things that were never broken. Know yourself my baby and be yourself…and once you do that you don’t have to say who you are you just are. I often find myself second guessing the people who constantly feel the need to state how good a person they are. In my experience some of the best people I know or learned of were never big on bragging in fact they were more so focused on: A. informing you that they were not perfect or B. encouraging others to be great. I can’t remember one speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. that was all about how great a civil rights leader he was yet history tell us he was. Greatness inspires greatness not by telling someone “I am greatness and I do great things” but by simply being. Be who you are my baby and you will write your story for the world to tell in your own voice without ever saying a word.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl waiting for the first day of school to see if her outfit is cool enough or for the person she likes to tell her she’s beautiful…please don’t. There is nothing wrong with enjoying limelight or a compliment but you can not rely on the world around you for it, its far to unstable to put your self esteem in its hands. Have your head high the moment it comes off the pillow. Just imagine if you spent as much time impressing yourself when no one’s watching as you do preparing to please others when. That is where the true confidence lies, the kind that doesn’t require a single word uttered.

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Touchy Feely

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Dear Ellie:

This week sports anchor Stephen A. Smith was placed on suspension from his sports talk show because of comments he made regarding a woman not provoking a man to hit her after the spouse of a sports star admitted that an altercation began between herself and her spouse after she hit him. I know by the time you read this society will have long since moved on and forgotten the exact wording Mr. Smith used but I don’t think it was his words that made people upset but more so the overall concept he was discussing. In my eyes the real underlying issue is the culture of violence amongst many low income and/or minority groups. Children who are constantly in defense mode ready to fight whether boy on boy, girl on boy, or girl on girl grow into adults who have yet to learn to how to resolve conflict despite the fact that the playing field is no longer even as one group has the undisputed ability to inflict more harm. Monday through Friday when I leave you in the morning I do so to work with individuals effected by domestic violence something I’m passionate about. And in serving them in different capacities I’ve learned so much that I don’t think I would have been as aware of otherwise so I feel inclined to ensure I have discussions about topics such as these despite the potential for it to be uncomfortable. Through working with adolescent girls I’ve come to realize it is not good enough to just to tell you not to let a man put his hands on you because in reality it’s not really about “letting” anyone do anything. The word let gives the impression that there is some type of choice in the matter as opposed to the reality of someone snatching power away from you. So my baby I promise to not just say don’t let a man put his hands on you but I promise to also talk to you about the signs that come before the literal slap in the face. I also promise not to raise you or allow you to participate in a culture of violence that promotes violent relationships from either side of the coin. Physically fighting your spouse does not make it any less a case of domestic violence nor does it prove anything or make you tough. I saw a video on Facebook today that broke my heart a girl who could’ve been no older than 16 was begging a male peer to hit her while arguing with him as he repeatedly told her to get out of his face (and I don’t say begging based on my opinion of her deserving to be hit because as I’m sure I’ve taught you by now no one deserves it but rather actually asking him to hit her). It broke my heart because I wondered where she learned this and what was going through her head to make her so sure that this boy would hit her, and because I knew that part of her probably thought that if she antagonized him enough to hit her then she would be in control of the situation rather than a victim. I want to make it explicitly clear to you my baby that you do not have to live life like that. Fighting a man does not make you tough, asking for help if he hits you does not make you weak, and being in a relationship where tempers are always flaring and you or your spouse “can’t control yourself” does not make it “real”. You have the right to live life in peace and while Daddy and I provide you with that atmosphere now I know there will come a time, far to soon for my liking, that you will have to make choices that define your lifestyle for yourself. When that time comes remember your worth my baby remember that you are a Queen and align yourself with that image. When I think of Queens I think of a quiet strength one that no one would dare test because they know standards must be met. Love yourself always my baby and set expectations for how the world should treat you but don’t forget to return the favor. It is my hope and sincere prayer that you never get caught in a cycle of violence and in that same prayer I remember your male cousins ( the whole gang of them) and hope that somewhere another Mommy is teaching their daughter to respect the gentlemen they are becoming so that your generation can create the peace that should start in our homes.

Love You Always,
Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who will fight a boy at the drop of a dime or whose intended solution should they ever find themselves in a domestic violence situation is to fight him not just for the moment but for the duration of the relationship…it’s ok to walk away. Feel free to end any relationship, as safely as possible, where you are being disrespected. Allow yourself peace. I have met women who have literally had to fight for their lives…thankfully that is not you. Instead of preparing yourself for a fight that has not yet began reevaluate your standards, set a new plateau and rise above violence. It’s alright to be alone if you can’t be respected. And if you have already found yourself constantly having to fight there is always help even in the darkest hour.

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For Your Consideration

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Dear Ellie:

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, from being a wife and mom is the art of constantly being considerate of others. I say art because I think its something that may come natural or that we can learn from observation but to truly be considerate it takes practice and care. It takes skill to stop yourself in the midst of your anger, busy day, or selfishness and truly think about how that other person must be feeling or what their reaction would be to your action. You will have a time in your life where you will have the right to be selfish and to do things that are best for just you regardless of others because you won’t truly be responsible for anyone else and during that time I will do my best to encourage you to enjoy it. While there are certainly perks to being tied to you and Daddy I know that I can appreciate it so much more because I was able to freely enjoy other phases of my life and I can look back now with the understanding that while I cared about and took into consideration the feelings of those I love I ultimately made decisions based on my thoughts and feelings. But while I want you to enjoy that phase of your life as well I also want you to also remember that for every action there is a reaction and we are never really alone; we are always connected to those around us. So with that in mind my baby be sure to be considerate of others and what their role is in your life and vice versa. Despite the fact that me and Daddy’s world revolve around you the entire planet does not operate like that (shocking I know). Before you ask something of someone be sure to consider if the tables were turned would you do what you are asking of that person and if you did how would you feel about it. When we sharpen our ability to connect with the feelings of others around us it essentially leads to us being better human beings. It is not enough though to be aware of others feelings but we have to constantly make an active decision to care. That sounds easy but when your own feelings get hurt, or your desires hang over your head, or we begin to move so fast that it all becomes a blur of things we are unaware of in the midst of our tunnel vision we can easily miss this major piece to the puzzle. I hope for you to always keep your heart free to love and care and to never let it harden over so that you can’t connect your humanity with that of another person. I hope that you don’t allow the world to desensitize you to the traumas of others or the daily emotions of those in your life as they are equally important.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who is proud to say “I don’t care”…this is not a bragging right my dear. Whatever has occurred to harden your heart that it can no longer function to its full capacity to love and care for another person…let it go. Be considerate of your self and allow your self the opportunity to freely use your heart. Be brave enough to care despite the pain.

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Catching Smiles

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Dear Ellie:

While we were out shopping the other day a nice lady approached us in the parking lot and asked if she could get a closer look at you then went on to say how pretty you were. She ended our conversation by telling me that you made her smile. A simple enough statement but something in the tone of her voice told me it was much more powerful. It got me to thinking in a world where adults are always trying to be super man or super woman to someone, aka moving way to fast to even enjoy that someone, we can often forget about our biggest super power…the power to bring joy to someone’s life even if only for a moment. In my late teens/early twenties people would always tell me to smile or ask why I looked so angry and honestly my baby I was hardly ever angry about anything (except that people kept telling me to smile). In most cases it was a natural look I had that said “please don’t bother me” or “do I know you”, which can actually be helpful when you’re just trying to walk to the grocery store from your dorm room without some guy thinking its his right to occupy your time with rude comments. So I decided to keep my “don’t bother me” look and if someone really irritated me I would respond to the constant question about why don’t you smile with a straight faced “for what” or a snippier “there’s nothing to smile about right now”. Years later though I realize there is always something to smile for and you do it for yourself or because it could possibly make someone else’s day. It does you no good to let the guy’s with the rude comments or the individuals who take delight in your missing smile convince you to withhold your smile from the world. There will be days when you really don’t feel like smiling, you may be tired, heartbroken, sad, or angry, but its at those times my baby that you truly learn to smile. And its not about being fake its about tapping into the happiness that you should always carry with you. Don’t ever let the world convince you that EVERYTHING is bad. No matter if your day, week, month, or year has brought you nothing but dark clouds as surely as you are breathing you are still blessed and still have a reason to be here. So smile because you remember how Harvey Warvey comes to wake you up in the morning, or how your cousins love to hug you, smile because your shirt is your favorite color…whatever your reason just smile because smiles are contagious and you never know who needs to catch it.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who has traded her smile for a brave face to show the world its ok to let go for a second. I promise you that no one will think you are soft because you found joy in the moment (and honestly if they do they are probably wishing they had found that same joy first). Life is meant to be enjoyed and you have to define how you do that for yourself so go ahead smile at the cute baby you saw or the nice old lady crossing the street it could change the world for either of them…and you.

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Law of Energy

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Dear Ellie:

If I wouldn’t have had to take extra chemistry classes I secretly think that I would have been a physicist. Next to Psychology, Physics was my favorite class in high school and though I don’t even remotely use anything I learned from that class in my day to day life (and no that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to study for your physics exam) I still remember the things I learned. One of those things is the law of conservation which says that energy cannot be created or destroyed however it can be transferred. This is not only true for kinetic, mechanical, or chemical but also for your personal spiritual energy. I believe that we transfer our energy back and forth everyday. When you get older you will notice that when a stranger is nice to you it may put a smile on your face or encourage you to be nice to another stranger; that my baby is a simple exchange of positive energy. You may also notice that being around someone who is always angry, usually for someone unknown reason, will drain you and that my baby is because that pulls on our energy too. I believe that we pull on the people’s energy around us subconsciously to balance our own energy levels. The further you allow yourself to get away from your positive energy the harder you will have to work to get it back. With that being said it is imperative that you surround yourself with people who can pour positivity into you. You also have to pour back the amount of positive energy into people that they pour into you. I would say pour into people what they pour into you but pouring negativity into people who try to drown you in their toxic energy will not do you any good. There will be people, whether family, friend or foe, who will not deserve your energy and that’s ok…you do not have to be everything to every body. Please do not wait until years down the line to realize you are constantly spreading yourself thin for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. But I also don’t want you think that you have to play tit for tat all energy is not exchanged the same way. For instance, between you and Daddy I have every single ounce of good vibes I need to get me through my day by 7am simply by being in your presence so don’t ever worry about buying me expensive gifts to match the money I’ve spent on you or anything like that because being around you is more than enough. If you know someone is a good force in your life then be that for them in whatever way you’re able. And in that same breath remember that everyone’s energy doesn’t mix so don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t support you or pour into you the way you would hope. I promise you that you have every ounce of positive energy behind you that you need. Even when I’m not physically with you my thoughts and prayers are always with you and so are the thoughts and prayers of a lot of other people’s that love you. Some people will never even express their support for you but you will feel their energy and some people will claim to love and support you yet you never feel anything but negativity from them. Use your energy radar to guide you and appreciate those who give you their positivity because its an asset that we can’t afford to waste in this world.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

 

P.S. To the girl waiting on someone to love you or show you they care please don’t waste your time. If someone is supposed to be on your side they will be no one is obligated to you. All we can truly do in life is appreciate those who help to restore our good energy when the world steals it away. And even though we should appreciate those people you don’t have to wait for them..take the time to do whatever you need to do to heal and get yourself back to a place of positivity.

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Limitless

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Dear Ellie:

One of the first things I did when I got to Clark Atlanta to start my college career was to find the Honors Program office. I knew two things about the Honors Program 1. it was going to be my first club at Clark Atlanta since I was accepted into it when I applied to college and 2. that it was the office your Yeye called to make sure I had my full tuition scholarship. When I got there I immediately understood it wasn’t a club it was a family and the family’s motto has stuck with me since I learned it…”You are only limited by the limits of your creativity.” The CAU honors program motto combined with one of CAU’s mottos “I’ll find a way or make one.” made me feel pretty much invincible. I think they are both great things to remember especially for a smart, talented, ambitious, young black woman, preparing to take on a new challenge because while those things will naturally equip you with all the things you need to succeed they can also sometimes come with people who will challenge you simply because you are smart, talented, ambitious, young, and black (and frankly my baby that still intimidates a lot of people). So those people will try to stop you all the while never realizing that what is meant for you is for you and no one, no matter how hard they try, can change that. But my baby just because it’s meant for you doesn’t mean it will be handed to you; in fact the things that we consider to be our greatest blessings often take the most time and sacrifice. For instance, you and Daddy are two of the best blessings God could’ve ever given me but it took 9+ months of carrying you (and a whole lot of nausea) to be able to hold you in my arms and before that it took 7 years of God helping Daddy and I to do the back breaking work of building a real foundation that you could grow from. So it takes work my baby, even those blessings that seem to just fall into your lap are fruit of labor somewhere down the line. I want you to remember when you get stuck in that place of wondering if something is truly for you to just stop and just ask I promise you an answer will come if you are receptive to it. There will be times when you realize that you have to walk away from something and you have to be open to that even when its hard, even when you really think you can make it work. Listen to your heart, that little voice inside you, or what ever it is telling you “take the blessing in your lesson and move forward” because there will be other journeys to take. Yes my baby those great adventures that end with the grand prize will surely come your way. There will be trophies, scholarships, jobs, opportunities you name it and it is on those journeys when you will find yourself making a way out of no way with your creativity. Many people who you will learn about as great historical figures weren’t thought of as great at all during their time but its not always about the recognition. When that same voice tells you to keep pushing regardless of the nay sayers you do just that my baby. When a door gets slammed in your face, pause, collect yourself, and use your head to figure out how to either get into the window or bust through the door…whatever it takes. I promise you that you have every single tool you need just sitting and waiting in you head. In fact I watch you now working with things and figuring them out even if you have to get creative and it makes me think what is it along the way that makes us stop trying and stop pushing toward our goals. I realize now that its fear. We can quickly grow tired and fearful of the sting of rejection but you truly never know how close you are to your mountain top when the clouds are all around you and even though its scary its at those times you must buckle down and take it step by step. Whatever it is that has been placed on your heart to do my baby DO IT…the world is waiting!

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

 

P.S. To that little girl on the verge of giving up…wait. Before you give up on something be sure you are walking away with a clean heart not because you have lost faith in your ability to carry on. If you truly reflect and ask for guidance then you will realize, sooner than you think, the direction you need to go. There will be times that you will travel down a path confused by traditional directions, only to find that when you turn the GPS off and trust your instincts you find your destination.

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You woke up like this…

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Dear Ellie:

You were born into a world where people feel more connected to celebrities than ever before. My baby please always remember no matter how social media evolves you have to live in your reality. It can be truly disturbing to see people writing hurtful comments and threats to people they don’t even remotely know. Someone sharing their talent with the world will never qualify as a reason for you to freely degrade them. In fact you shouldn’t be degrading anyone that is not who you were born to be my baby. Your public self whether it’s to a few 100 “friends” on Facebook or presenting to a board room should never be in such stark contrast to your private self that if introduced they wouldn’t even recognize the other. I say this to you today after seeing several mean hearted comments about a little girl just a year older than you. The comments have called her everything from nappy headed to ugly. No two year old should be spoken to that way even if only in a comment section on an article. It’s my job as your Mommy to protect you until you can protect yourself and I can’t imagine how it would feel to be unable to protect you from the hurtful words of millions. We are privileged in that I allow your hair to grow natural out of your head with no manipulation, besides maybe a bow if you let me, and no one comments on it (at least to my knowledge). And that my baby is my choice as your mother because I want you to love your self just as you wake up in the morning. If you can not love yourself free of any additives then how can you say you truly do? We are created beautifully whether crinkly curls or pointy noses and if the world ever tries to tell you that the way you wake up isn’t good enough kindly tell them their opinion isn’t valid because you know better. You aren’t responsible for conforming to what others expect you to look like. I promise to do my absolute best to help you learn to let your love for yourself speak so much louder than the unwarranted criticisms of others that they don’t phase you. Love yourself my baby and walk in confidence that you woke up like this…flawless, not because you’re perfect but because the features you were born with, from your kinky coils to your chubby toes, should never be considered flaws.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl staring at herself in the mirror full of doubts…trust me you are beautiful. You don’t have to look like anyone else’s opinion of beauty; you were born with your own set of standards established in your mother’s womb. Love the beauty you were born with before you starting trying to change it.

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A Love Like This

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Dear Ellie:

I had a thought in mind as I went to write this letter to you and then I heard of the passing of another legend, Ruby Dee. As I tell you all the time, and will continue to, its one of my most important missions in life to ensure that you know and respect the stories of those that came before you so I don’t doubt that by the time you read this on your own you will know who the fabulously talented Ruby Dee was. So today I’m not writing to you about just her exactly but more so the love she had with her husband who passed before her Ossie Davis. Not only did they act in countless movies, plays, etc together they also strived together to fight for things they believed in. I remember seeing pictures of them or watching old movies with my Granny and thinking “man that’s love”. They just exuded love; you could see it in every picture, mannerisms, and look. And I’m sure that there were days when they couldn’t stand each other (cause that’s how love works) but they were the definition of a unit. They remind me of another power couple. They weren’t famous or anything but their love was powerful enough. I’m speaking of my Granny and Grandaddy Paul. My Mommy’s Daddy passed before I was born so I never had the chance to meet him but I could always feel him around. He was in the way your Granny spoke and even there in the dead of night when she would call out to him in her sleep. I remember once she was asked why she never remarried and she said…”To Who?”. She was so taken aback at the question as though it never crossed her mind. She said…”Who else was there?” And in that moment I remember thinking I want a love like a that. A love so powerful that it could help change laws in a country where human beings were seen as less than because of the color or their skin and at the same time so powerful that you couldn’t even imagine life with someone else. The kind of love that gives you confidence that this is it from every up, down, left, and right you know in your heart of hearts you love someone that you can ride it out until the wheels fall off. Some people may say that that’s just how love used to be that they don’t make love like that anymore. Well my baby I think that God is love and with that being my truth how could I ever believe that the kind of love that will last a lifetime doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m so thankful that I know in my heart you will grow up seeing love because he gave me your Daddy. Yes things and times change but a heart is a heart and love is love. But at the same time I don’t want your life to be all about chasing love of a person, because when it’s right it will find you, but I do hope that you always believe in love my baby. After your first, second, or third heart break I hope you keep believing; and I hope that belief helps you to realize that you don’t have to settle for just any love. And my baby everybody’s love looks different so don’t strive for a relationship like Mommy and Daddy’s or even Ruby Dee and Ossie. There’s a love that God created and intended just for you and no one has to understand it but you. And my hopes for you go beyond love for another person I hope the kind of love I’m telling you about consumes your whole life. I pray you have a career that you love and allows you to serve your purpose, that you have hobbies you love, and that life takes you places you fall in love with. Who says every moment of life can’t be great?! Yes as I’ve told you there will be hard times along your journey but when you know in you’re heart that its just a part of a journey toward something you love it makes it so much more worth it. So my baby love hard even if you can’t explain but you know its right go for it. And if that love leaves you I hope you find it again like Ossie has Ruby again and Herbert got Elizabeth back.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl searching for love…STOP! Love isn’t a scavenger hunt or a game of hide and seek. It will find you when you least expect it. Just keep living and loving yourself, your life, and your purpose (even if you don’t know what it is yet) and eventually you will attract the love God intended for you. The kind of love you won’t have to beg for or feel bad about. Just a regular old day in day out I love you even at your worst type of love.

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Shady Queens

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Dear Ellie:

When you look at the women in your family you will see so many beautiful complexions. From fair and flawless to dark and divine there are queens of all shades around you. I remember when you were just a tiny baby, only a few months old, and me and Daddy watched a program on women who had issues with skin tone and many prayed for their daughters to be of a light skin tone. Me and Daddy both said we prayed for the opposite a pretty brown baby that was our complexion. Now I look at you enjoying the sunshine with your caramel kissed skin, that’s lighter than mommy’s, you have no worries of “getting to dark” or what it means to have someone say “you’re pretty for a brown girl”. But as I sat having a discussion with some of the queens in your family this past weekend I quickly remembered that one day you just might have someone try to interject these thoughts into your mind. Don’t ever forget how beautiful you are my baby not in spite of or because of any one thing like skin tone or hair texture…you simply are what you are which is beautiful. And my baby while you’re remembering your own beauty and walking with your own head high remember that every woman around you should be wearing a crown too. Unfortunately in our world some of the women you meet will have had someone in their life who snatched that crown through harsh words and criticisms but that doesn’t mean it can’t be earned back. Sometimes its as simple as telling the lady in front of you in the grocery store she looks nice…no explanation needed. For all you know you may give her the compliment that reminds her to start looking in the mirror and telling herself the same. There is no objective standard of beauty my baby its all subjective. Everyone has an opinion and a preference and that is fine but what is important is that you can 1. appreciate the beauty you’ve been given and 2. learn to see it in others. Your Uncle is amazing at this he sees beauty and goodness in EVERYONE (Mommy’s still working on it) and I hope you learn that being around him. History has tried and, though I hate to say it, often succeeded at dividing people of color by their color. I can say it no plainer than to blatantly tell you light skin women are no prettier and dark skin women are no smarter than the next its all about your mindset. In fact I think its amazing that you can look at the women who share the same DNA as you and see so many beautiful variations. So there is no need to stand in the shade my baby. Stand right there in the sun like you do now and let the sun work its miracle and bring out the browness of your heritage. No matter what cruel words may come your way, whether directed at you or around you, I hope these words that I write to you and plan to tell you daily ring out the loudest you are beautiful and your beauty doesn’t lessen anyone else’s…there is room for all of us in the sun.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who gets made fun of for being “light bright” or “to dark” I know it hurts but remind yourself you are someone’s idea of the most beautiful girl in the world. If you don’t think its possible then first you have to convince yourself. Tell yourself you are beautiful and let your thoughts become your truth. And to the little girl making fun of the other little girl who doesn’t look like her…be a queen. Queens don’t rule with nastiness…I mean who ever dreamed of being the wicked witch instead of the princess.