Tag Archives: African American

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Super Powers & Kryptonite

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Dear Ellie:

It has been a while since I have posted a letter for you for many reasons my favorite of which being that you grow so much every day and have become my favorite person to talk to besides your Daddy. (How lucky am I to live with my two best friends.) You turned 3 just over a month ago and the things you have learned and concepts you have grasped in that short period amazes me. As you grow and I try to instill in you the values I think are important like kindness, honesty, compassion, and more I love to watch your wheels turn as the idea of you learning these things goes from abstract to every day occurrences. In trying to teach you these things I have learned so much about myself, largely because you imitate me so well that I can’t help but to say “Welp I know where she got that from…Me!.” Which is just as often a good thing as a not so good thing, but it always inspires me to grow. Being your mother has both given me the most joy and caused the most self doubt that I have experienced in my life thus far because no role has ever held so much importance. There are times that no matter what I do I have no control over the outcome of the situation, which is of course a part of life that everyone must cope with but there is something that cuts deep about not being able to make a cold go away, or having to learn to be patient when I see your shyness take over because I just want the world to see the light beam from you like I do, or worse trying to help you to navigate the loss of our dog who in your world was your best friend in so many ways. To be honest grief is not a road I expected to navigate with you at the age of 3 and yet here we are. It is in these moments that I have to be still and try to remind myself that some days we can only do the best we can and some how try to be satisfied with that even if it does not bring about the outcome we want. Being a mother has made grasping that concept in other facets of my life much easier because nothing compares to drive I have to do the best I can with you. If I can face the tough stuff with you like having to tell you no when you ask can I bring your dog back or keep my calm when you break into an unprovoked tantrum; then my baby there is nothing that I can’t handle. So in a way you have helped me to discover a new level to my own Black Girl Magic and in others you remind me that I’m not super human. You too will have moments that ground you and make you realize some things are simply out of our control…AND THAT’S OKAY! I hope you meet these moments with grace and self confidence because it is not these moments that define you it is how you continue to rise to the occasion. THAT is where our magic lies. If you can see past what you perceive to be failures and push through in spite of them, as well as because of them, you have already won the battle that you thought you didn’t have the weapons to fight. I also pray that you are able to see the reminders of your strength around you when you can’t find the voice inside yourself that tells you. You my baby are that reminder for me, constant and pure. We were at a museum about a week ago and as you drew pictures of creatures with super powers at a children’s exhibit you named several that you had created in your mind after me and Daddy. When I asked what the “Mommy” creature’s power was you simply said “listening to me” with out even looking up from your next drawing. Little did you know that moment to me was the equivalent of kryptonite being lifted off Superman. I was worried because you had seen so many people playing with their dogs, and your were likely to start running a fever because I knew you had caught some germs but in that moment I realized I was doing the best I could for you just to be present. So my baby remember hard times will come, obstacles will trip you up, and there will be times that you question yourself and your path but NEVER question who you are! Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength and beauty (inside and out) but don’t rely on them, trust yourself to be able to shake off the specks of kryptonite that may fall on you because your superpowers can never be defeated.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl (and every little girl inside a grown woman) that finds herself in a place of uncertainty know that it can and will be ok. Uncertainty does not have to equal defeat; it can be the catalyst to push you to work harder for your goal. It’s your choice. In moments when you feel you can not succeed examine how hard you have worked and give yourself credit. There is nothing wrong with self reflection, be honest but also be kind with yourself. Even super heroes have weaknesses, but that does negate their power and your weakness can not stop your power either!

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Hair Today

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Dear Ellie:

I get the feeling that hair is something we will be discussing a lot over the years. Hair has always been a tool for expression for many women (and men) and its no different today. What I do think is different is that we are now open, due to technology and the world’s new culture of sharing, to criticism from individuals who just a generation ago would have had no influence on our choices for our hair or any part of our lives really. And honestly my baby a lot of those opinions still shouldn’t matter but you will have a ridiculous amount of access to them so I feel obligated to prepare you. Recently a young actress Zendaya Coleman chose to wear faux dreads to a red carpet event, some would even call it “THE” red carpet event but that’s a topic for another day. She received everything from praises to racist commentary about her choice of hairstyle. Those who chose the latter did not seem to care that she is still just a young girl but its not surprising because there will always be people who lack compassion no matter your age, gender, race, etc. I want you to know that it is not your job to fight or even acknowledge every critic that may come your way. Honestly my baby it is simply not worth the energy. However, if you find yourself moved to confront cruelty be sure to do so with the intent to provoke change and/or peace. I will teach you to try your best to do so with a clear mind, a mind who’s primary emotion is not anger. I think often it is not so much what we are trying to say as much as how we choose to project into the world. Zendaya quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in her acceptance of her critic’s apology in saying darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that and I share it with you here. Remember that we do not rid ourselves of anger, hurt, and other unwanted emotion by trying to make someone else feel the same any more than giving a cold to someone will make you sneeze less. We must take it upon ourselves to feel and express kindness, forgiveness, and healing in order to be at a place within ourselves that we can best make a difference with our reaction. You have a lifetime ahead of you making choices and I know that in every instance you will not be able to separate yourself from your emotions but I do hope you strive to work toward not allowing them to be your sole source of guidance as their sense of direction is often not very reliable. At the end of the day its not really about hair its about choices; choices to express ourselves through style, choices to like or not like it, choices to make hurtful statements, and then there is always the choice of how you respond.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who just wants to be accepted and doesn’t want to be judged. Its ok to want to fit in but in reality none of us ever fully do because we were all made differently and every choice we make has the potential to turn us more into the individual we were meant to be or pull us further from what our true potential is. We all have choices and the beauty of them is that every second of every day we are granted the chance to make another one and hopefully better ones.

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Breath Taking

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Dear Ellie:

I must admit when I decided to start writing my letters to you openly I did not take into account the number of times I would be faced with writing to you about issues that quite frankly break my heart (but its my belief that God times everything perfectly). It is a difficult realization to look at you and know that there will come a time that you will be judged on how you look not who you are, and unfortunately my baby this is a fact not an assumption. I promise to be the best example and I can be for you and to encourage you to be better and go farther than me. But I’m not quite sure how to prepare you for the anger or fear that you’ll feel when one of the black men in your life, no matter how great they are, find themselves in a confrontation with those meant to protect us. I will teach you how to call 911, not to hate any group of people, and that if a crime is committed against you to call the police. But again I don’t know how to prepare you for a system that is designed to protect you FROM people who look like you not to protect people who look like you. I remember moving to the suburbs and yours Pops being pulled over a block away from our home and I remember your Daddy calling to tell me he had been pulled over in route from Minneapolis. In both cases neither was in the wrong but excuses were given of why they were pulled over. I can not promise you that if you find yourself up against someone in power that there is much you can do in the moment but get through it with air still in your lungs but I can promise you that I will not raise you to sit passively by after the fact. I find myself feeling obligated daily to live my life in a way that will inspire somebody or help somebody even when I think I just don’t have it in me because people like Eric Garner, whatever his sins and transgressions might have been, pleaded until his literal last breath. I find myself empathizing with the family of Tamir Rice because your Daddy was once a 12 year old boy who had been taught to shoot a BB gun in the country with his grandfather but Tamir didn’t have that luxury of playing with a BB gun. I know a lot of people who say they are scared for the black men in their life but I choose not to be afraid but rather be driven for them because I love your Daddy, my Father, your Uncle, and all 6 of my nephews way too much to just live in fear. The day of the grand jury decision in the case of the killing of Michael Brown was released I had spent my entire day speaking to classrooms that were filled with young black men who could’ve very well been Michael Brown and I don’t take those opportunities lightly (and again God times everything perfectly). So my baby however you decide to fight, because while I can light the fire in you your actions are your choice not mine, just remember there are those who don’t have an option, they can no longer breathe. But as long as you able to, breathe life and positivity into those who hate and discrimination tries to suffocate.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that wonders “what am I supposed to do?”…honestly I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you can do something. Standing idly by while things you say you are against continue to happen doesn’t mean your opposed to it; it means the role you play allows it to continue. Sometimes we are not in a position to see the bigger picture but that doesn’t mean we are not a part of it. Your life is a tool use it wisely, live in a way that inspires, encourages, creates, or demands change.

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Judge and Jury

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Dear Ellie:

I truly hope you grow up to be able to continuously greet new situations with a fresh take and that you don’t grow cynical after life takes a turn that you’ll find yourself unhappy with, because there will be a lot of turns like that. I will do my best to show you how not to be judgmental of people because you truly never know how many unfortunate turns that person’s life has taken before your paths cross. However, I don’t want you to be naïve either. Being able to judge people and situations is a fine art love bug and one that can take time to master; and quite frankly as a black woman it will be essential. Maya Angelou said once “When people show you who you are believe them; the first time”. It will serve you well to remember that one because sometimes we want to believe the best in people even when faced with overwhelming evidence that a person or situation is not who or what we hoped it would be. And trust me when I say my baby that its ok…no disappointment is in vein if we can find the lesson in it. But you have to take honest inventory of those around us because if they are not contributing to the greater good in your life then why are they still there. It would be wonderful if I could send you out into the world knowing that everyone loved you as much as I did and everyone would care for you like Daddy, but the truth of the matter is that despite the billions of people in the world a miniscule amount of them will truly be good for you. That doesn’t mean though that people can’t have their good moments or that positivity can’t be found in negative situations; you just have to learn how to judge for yourself what your limits should be with certain people and situations. In this world no matter the goodness of your intent you can be turned into a villain or a hero depending on who tells your story. If you were old enough right now to travel to St. Louis County, Missouri you could find yourself in two worlds based upon who you asked to tell you what was going on. Its unfortunate that we will never truly know what happened between Mike Brown and Darren Wilson but I do know that the decision to bring Mr. Wilson to trial or not was not decided by a jury of Mike Brown’s peers and those who wish to can judge him as a “thug” who placed himself in the position to be killed. I also know that Mike Brown will never tell his version of what happened. But you my baby are apart of a generation that will have unlimited access to media and information and it will be your generation that has to use their better judgment when deciding what battles should be fought and who should fight them. Take a honest look at people my baby because not everyone will be here for your betterment and that’s not about being judgmental but rather judging character. It is character that defines a person’s actions when they are left to decide them for themselves, that drives a person’s motives, or that writes post on social media when you don’t have to say what you think aloud to anyone’s face, and its character that shows you who a person really is. So please my baby by all means see the world, be open to new experiences, and don’t judge every book by its cover but when the first chapter is filled with hatred, lies, and other disgusting parts of humanities that I hope you never have to experience (even when I know its inevitable) then at that point its ok to say I see who you are. Be your own judge and jury because this is your life, your rights, your future, etc. and you haven’t been granted the privilege of allowing someone else to protect them.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl reading this. I wish you lived in a society that wouldn’t judge you or place you in a box for your past transgression but this is the world we live in. A world where we have unlimited access to your past and it can be used in anyway seen fit depending on the person. Everyone is not to be trusted and every situation will not have a positive outcome. That doesn’t make you powerless though. Being a good judge of character and understanding the direction you want your life to go in doesn’t make you judgmental or mean that your pessimistic. Walk in your own light and let it be know that anyone or anything that attempts to dim that light won’t be tolerated any longer.

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Shady Queens

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Dear Ellie:

When you look at the women in your family you will see so many beautiful complexions. From fair and flawless to dark and divine there are queens of all shades around you. I remember when you were just a tiny baby, only a few months old, and me and Daddy watched a program on women who had issues with skin tone and many prayed for their daughters to be of a light skin tone. Me and Daddy both said we prayed for the opposite a pretty brown baby that was our complexion. Now I look at you enjoying the sunshine with your caramel kissed skin, that’s lighter than mommy’s, you have no worries of “getting to dark” or what it means to have someone say “you’re pretty for a brown girl”. But as I sat having a discussion with some of the queens in your family this past weekend I quickly remembered that one day you just might have someone try to interject these thoughts into your mind. Don’t ever forget how beautiful you are my baby not in spite of or because of any one thing like skin tone or hair texture…you simply are what you are which is beautiful. And my baby while you’re remembering your own beauty and walking with your own head high remember that every woman around you should be wearing a crown too. Unfortunately in our world some of the women you meet will have had someone in their life who snatched that crown through harsh words and criticisms but that doesn’t mean it can’t be earned back. Sometimes its as simple as telling the lady in front of you in the grocery store she looks nice…no explanation needed. For all you know you may give her the compliment that reminds her to start looking in the mirror and telling herself the same. There is no objective standard of beauty my baby its all subjective. Everyone has an opinion and a preference and that is fine but what is important is that you can 1. appreciate the beauty you’ve been given and 2. learn to see it in others. Your Uncle is amazing at this he sees beauty and goodness in EVERYONE (Mommy’s still working on it) and I hope you learn that being around him. History has tried and, though I hate to say it, often succeeded at dividing people of color by their color. I can say it no plainer than to blatantly tell you light skin women are no prettier and dark skin women are no smarter than the next its all about your mindset. In fact I think its amazing that you can look at the women who share the same DNA as you and see so many beautiful variations. So there is no need to stand in the shade my baby. Stand right there in the sun like you do now and let the sun work its miracle and bring out the browness of your heritage. No matter what cruel words may come your way, whether directed at you or around you, I hope these words that I write to you and plan to tell you daily ring out the loudest you are beautiful and your beauty doesn’t lessen anyone else’s…there is room for all of us in the sun.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who gets made fun of for being “light bright” or “to dark” I know it hurts but remind yourself you are someone’s idea of the most beautiful girl in the world. If you don’t think its possible then first you have to convince yourself. Tell yourself you are beautiful and let your thoughts become your truth. And to the little girl making fun of the other little girl who doesn’t look like her…be a queen. Queens don’t rule with nastiness…I mean who ever dreamed of being the wicked witch instead of the princess.

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Point of it All

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Dear Ellie:

When Mommy and Daddy got married our wedding song was “Point of it All” by Anthony Hamilton and every time we go to a wedding or hear that song played it brings me back to my wedding day. There was so much love in the room that day and I felt love beaming from the look in Daddy’s eyes as I walked down the aisle. I truly hope that you are able to see and feel love around you because I strongly believe that it’s the point of it all. Life is better when you spend it with people you love, do what you love, and give love. I pray that no matter what, you don’t allow yourself to become so jaded that you loose hope in love. In its purest form, love is the closest we get to heaven on earth. When the winds are blowing and times are tough it’s love that will give you peace and make you remember what’s truly important. If one day you wake up and realize you have put love of whatever kind on the back burner stop and do some reevaluating. I can’t tell you how long any of us have on Earth but I can tell you that love makes how ever long we have worth it. When I’ve had a long day, I’m frustrated, or down there is nothing that picks me up faster than seeing you and Daddy smile. When I think about the sacrifices I make I never have to wonder “what’s the point”. You are the point my baby, a perfect reflection of the love you were created from. I admire how you love so fearlessly in your innocence. What ever it is that will make you happy whether it’s a hug from mommy, a spin from daddy, or “petting” the dog you just go for it. I know life will teach you boundaries and a healthy amount of fear but don’t ever let it stop you from loving because if you’re not using your heart what’s the point?

I love you always my baby

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl (or broken woman) who looked for love to soon or to long in the wrong places it’s ok to stop, reevaluate, and find a way to love yourself again. Start loving yourself and it will flow from there.

3

A Different World

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Dear Ellie,

I love to watch you in your innocence like when I’m watching “A Different World” and you smile and dance to the theme song. To you it’s just a song you recognize and like but to fans of the show it’s a sitcom representation of the experience that only a small group are lucky to know. I thought of this because today is May 19th a date I’m likely to never forget because it’s the date I graduated from college. I didn’t graduate from just any college though I attended and graduated from a HBCU (historically black college or university) and so did Daddy. I’m sure by the time you read this you will have heard Daddy and I talk about our HBCU’s a ton but I truly hope you grasp the importance of them. Regardless of if you attend Clark Atlanta University like me, Grambling State University like daddy, or any other college (should you choose to go to college at all) I want you to always respect the value of learning because it is an opportunity that was not afforded to many of your ancestors and many girls around the world still fight to be able to learn. I’m writing you this today because while you are blissfully unaware we currently live in the age of social media where a person can make a public statement to the entire world in a matter of seconds whether intentional or not. This was the case recently when a young lady chose to make a statement regarding a GPA at a HBCU being inferior to the same GPA at a “rigorous” PWI. I’m relaying this story to you not because her opinion is special but because it is likely to continue to be shared by others. But my baby I hope you know that it is the person that matters not the GPA. Your Daddy is a perfect example with multiple degrees from both an HBCU and “rigorous” PWI’s but what makes him amazing has nothing to do with his degrees where they came from or the GPA that accompanies them it’s his determination and all the qualities that got him where he is the same qualities that our ancestors had when they literally risked their lives to get an education. To them it did not matter if their GPA was “comparable” but rather that it was theirs they earned it and it could not be taken away from them. It was also those qualities that made Malala Yousafzai speak out for her right to be educated even after being shot in the head for doing so. You too my baby have those qualities and it’s what will push you to the other side of the mountains that try to block your path but when you find yourself on the other side I hope you remember the uphill battles that were fought before you to carve an easier path. Most importantly never look down on those who still have to chop their way through rugged terrain because maybe just maybe they are headed to higher plateau than you think.

Love You Always (even if you don’t choose my alma mater),

Mommy

P.S. To every young girl take charge of your education if your school system is failing find a way or make one to educate yourself. You’re brilliant believe that and take stock in your intelligence.

4

My Girl, Your World

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Dear Ellie:

By the time you read this you won’t remember but ever since you were just Ellie in my Bellie your Daddy played songs like My Girl by the Temptations for you. And at least twice a day one of our bear hugs includes me saying “Hi My Baby” and that’s just what you are daddy’s girl and my baby…our precious little girl. I know your presence in our lives is exactly why the recent events that include over 200 girls being taken from a school in Nigeria and some of the kidnapped girls being subsequently sold into “marriage” hit my heart so hard. I don’t know if this event will be included in your school history books especially because unfortunately history books will not always includes stories about girls that look like you, just like the girls who were taken, with brown skin and curly hair. But my baby I promise to always teach you about your world and our history. I hope you take my efforts to do this as a lesson to always search for your own truths and to learn as much about your world as you can. When I say your world I mean the whole globe because it’s right there at your finger tips. You are fortunate to live in a world where information is so readily available to you. So I hope your world view at 5 will be bigger than mine when I first traveled internationally at 20. You are my girl but this is your world and as you explore it I hope you find goodness in it but when you learn of things that will tug at your heart like 100’s of parents crying out for a terrorist group to bring back our girls its then that you should remember this is your world and you can make a difference in it. So whether you choose to be a hands on revolutionist raising your fist against the powers that be, a doctor traveling to the far corners of the earth donating medical services, an educator that inspires future generations, or just someone who cares for others in their time of need be active in your world and never let anyone tell you that your part doesn’t make a difference because we need you and your gift. Learn your history so you can know your truth and explore your world so you can find your place in it.

 

Love You Always My Baby!

Mommy

P.S. Every little girl is important and has a place and purpose in the world. No one can stop you but you. So I pray every night that not only are the girls captured from their school in Nigeria returned but also that they remember they are still here and the world still needs them. So whether a kidnapper or a bully there are cowards in the world don’t let them break you WE NEED YOU!