Tag Archives: coping

2

Super Powers & Kryptonite

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Dear Ellie:

It has been a while since I have posted a letter for you for many reasons my favorite of which being that you grow so much every day and have become my favorite person to talk to besides your Daddy. (How lucky am I to live with my two best friends.) You turned 3 just over a month ago and the things you have learned and concepts you have grasped in that short period amazes me. As you grow and I try to instill in you the values I think are important like kindness, honesty, compassion, and more I love to watch your wheels turn as the idea of you learning these things goes from abstract to every day occurrences. In trying to teach you these things I have learned so much about myself, largely because you imitate me so well that I can’t help but to say “Welp I know where she got that from…Me!.” Which is just as often a good thing as a not so good thing, but it always inspires me to grow. Being your mother has both given me the most joy and caused the most self doubt that I have experienced in my life thus far because no role has ever held so much importance. There are times that no matter what I do I have no control over the outcome of the situation, which is of course a part of life that everyone must cope with but there is something that cuts deep about not being able to make a cold go away, or having to learn to be patient when I see your shyness take over because I just want the world to see the light beam from you like I do, or worse trying to help you to navigate the loss of our dog who in your world was your best friend in so many ways. To be honest grief is not a road I expected to navigate with you at the age of 3 and yet here we are. It is in these moments that I have to be still and try to remind myself that some days we can only do the best we can and some how try to be satisfied with that even if it does not bring about the outcome we want. Being a mother has made grasping that concept in other facets of my life much easier because nothing compares to drive I have to do the best I can with you. If I can face the tough stuff with you like having to tell you no when you ask can I bring your dog back or keep my calm when you break into an unprovoked tantrum; then my baby there is nothing that I can’t handle. So in a way you have helped me to discover a new level to my own Black Girl Magic and in others you remind me that I’m not super human. You too will have moments that ground you and make you realize some things are simply out of our control…AND THAT’S OKAY! I hope you meet these moments with grace and self confidence because it is not these moments that define you it is how you continue to rise to the occasion. THAT is where our magic lies. If you can see past what you perceive to be failures and push through in spite of them, as well as because of them, you have already won the battle that you thought you didn’t have the weapons to fight. I also pray that you are able to see the reminders of your strength around you when you can’t find the voice inside yourself that tells you. You my baby are that reminder for me, constant and pure. We were at a museum about a week ago and as you drew pictures of creatures with super powers at a children’s exhibit you named several that you had created in your mind after me and Daddy. When I asked what the “Mommy” creature’s power was you simply said “listening to me” with out even looking up from your next drawing. Little did you know that moment to me was the equivalent of kryptonite being lifted off Superman. I was worried because you had seen so many people playing with their dogs, and your were likely to start running a fever because I knew you had caught some germs but in that moment I realized I was doing the best I could for you just to be present. So my baby remember hard times will come, obstacles will trip you up, and there will be times that you question yourself and your path but NEVER question who you are! Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength and beauty (inside and out) but don’t rely on them, trust yourself to be able to shake off the specks of kryptonite that may fall on you because your superpowers can never be defeated.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl (and every little girl inside a grown woman) that finds herself in a place of uncertainty know that it can and will be ok. Uncertainty does not have to equal defeat; it can be the catalyst to push you to work harder for your goal. It’s your choice. In moments when you feel you can not succeed examine how hard you have worked and give yourself credit. There is nothing wrong with self reflection, be honest but also be kind with yourself. Even super heroes have weaknesses, but that does negate their power and your weakness can not stop your power either!

1

Fresh Start

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Dear Ellie:

We are 2 weeks into 2015 and I must say, even though it can be cliché, I have always been a fan of the idea of a new year. As I’m sure you will quickly find out I am a fan of most holidays, and celebrating in general, but celebrating a New Year may just be in my top 3 holidays. For many people the new year is synonymous with a fresh start and a new beginning. And even though you don’t have to wait until January 1st to act on the things you want to improve I applaud anyone who chooses to move in a positive direction, whichever day they choose. I think another reason I’ve always enjoyed the new year holiday, especially as an adult, is because its one holiday that we celebrate that isn’t dominated by the idea of gifts. So the combination of positive energy as people feel inspired about change and the lack of materialistic distractions makes it an awesome time of year in my opinion. But my baby you do not have to wait for January to start fresh and December will not always be the end of a journey. Everyone’s chapters in life are written at different lengths and most times it is left up to us to decide when to start a new one. There will also be times when God will move so definitively in an area of your life that there is no denying that it is the end of the era for something. During those times I truly hope you listen to whatever place inside you is telling what you know is right because there will be times you have to either listen to your head, heart, or gut. I think deep down though we always know which is best we just get better at choosing it as our story continues particularly when what you want is not what’s “best”. It is during those times that you just have to have faith that when you turn the page the story will only get better even if not right away. And if nothing else be glad that it continues. I can honestly say that of the chapters I’ve had so far in life none have been my favorite. I have appreciated and enjoyed them all for different reasons and I could never choose a favorite because they aren’t comparable with each being different, important, and connected in its own right. Imagine reading your favorite book; you may have a part you like but it would make no sense with out everything that came before it and that’s how I feel about life. Fresh starts can be both exciting and scary but in the end its all about faith and working toward the direction you’ve chosen to go in. In life we don’t always get a magical midnight kiss that sets up the new day as perfect for change. In reality sometimes you just have to start where you are, hope for the best, and appreciate your journey.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. – To the girl waiting for the perfect moment to start fresh…its here. In fact its always here. You don’t have to wait to be better; the timing is always perfect to improve. Even if you only make baby steps in the direction you want to go its better than running in place. Take a chance on you and have faith in yourself. If you’ve been given the vision for something believe me that’s only the tip of the iceberg everything you need to achieve your goals is right below the surface.

0

Breath Taking

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Dear Ellie:

I must admit when I decided to start writing my letters to you openly I did not take into account the number of times I would be faced with writing to you about issues that quite frankly break my heart (but its my belief that God times everything perfectly). It is a difficult realization to look at you and know that there will come a time that you will be judged on how you look not who you are, and unfortunately my baby this is a fact not an assumption. I promise to be the best example and I can be for you and to encourage you to be better and go farther than me. But I’m not quite sure how to prepare you for the anger or fear that you’ll feel when one of the black men in your life, no matter how great they are, find themselves in a confrontation with those meant to protect us. I will teach you how to call 911, not to hate any group of people, and that if a crime is committed against you to call the police. But again I don’t know how to prepare you for a system that is designed to protect you FROM people who look like you not to protect people who look like you. I remember moving to the suburbs and yours Pops being pulled over a block away from our home and I remember your Daddy calling to tell me he had been pulled over in route from Minneapolis. In both cases neither was in the wrong but excuses were given of why they were pulled over. I can not promise you that if you find yourself up against someone in power that there is much you can do in the moment but get through it with air still in your lungs but I can promise you that I will not raise you to sit passively by after the fact. I find myself feeling obligated daily to live my life in a way that will inspire somebody or help somebody even when I think I just don’t have it in me because people like Eric Garner, whatever his sins and transgressions might have been, pleaded until his literal last breath. I find myself empathizing with the family of Tamir Rice because your Daddy was once a 12 year old boy who had been taught to shoot a BB gun in the country with his grandfather but Tamir didn’t have that luxury of playing with a BB gun. I know a lot of people who say they are scared for the black men in their life but I choose not to be afraid but rather be driven for them because I love your Daddy, my Father, your Uncle, and all 6 of my nephews way too much to just live in fear. The day of the grand jury decision in the case of the killing of Michael Brown was released I had spent my entire day speaking to classrooms that were filled with young black men who could’ve very well been Michael Brown and I don’t take those opportunities lightly (and again God times everything perfectly). So my baby however you decide to fight, because while I can light the fire in you your actions are your choice not mine, just remember there are those who don’t have an option, they can no longer breathe. But as long as you able to, breathe life and positivity into those who hate and discrimination tries to suffocate.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that wonders “what am I supposed to do?”…honestly I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you can do something. Standing idly by while things you say you are against continue to happen doesn’t mean your opposed to it; it means the role you play allows it to continue. Sometimes we are not in a position to see the bigger picture but that doesn’t mean we are not a part of it. Your life is a tool use it wisely, live in a way that inspires, encourages, creates, or demands change.

1

Death Becomes Life

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Dear Ellie:

I hope that your first experience with someone close to you passing away is far far in the distance but the thing about life is that you truly never know. And honestly your first experience or your 5th, it all hurts. I remember the first time someone I knew passed…it was my Great-Great Uncle Richard; I couldn’t have been more than 5 and didn’t really understand the concept but I cried and cried to my Daddy and he gave me red kool aid. Then yesterday as I drove home taking the streets instead of the expressway because there was a bad accident I realized somewhere along that hour and a half drive that I was taking the same route that I would take to see my Granny, one of your namesakes, during the last months of her physical life. I drove that way several times a week for almost a month to see a beautiful angel named Elizabeth begin her journey out of this world, but yesterday I was driving just to get home to see my angel baby Elizabeth. And again I was so grateful for you. Because you’re always in my thoughts you are somehow always guiding me to see the bigger picture and my silver lining. The night my Granny passed I remember the phone call that came during a time of the night when the phone shouldn’t ring and I remember telling your Daddy that I think this will be it I knew if she was headed back to the hospital she wouldn’t be coming back. I didn’t think this because I’m pessimistic but because I knew my Granny she was VERY strong willed, just like you, and she told us she wasn’t going back to the hospital and I knew with her strong will she would determine just when she decided to move on. On the the drive to the hospital with your Yeye to hear the inevitable news I said a silent prayer not that she would stay just until I got there or anything like that but just for peace because I think in those type of times that’s the best we can ask for. When there is truly nothing you can do just ask for peace to surround you. I also remember the next day June 3rd so much clearer…I remember finally breaking down and I remember talking to your Daddy, your God Mommy Kris bringing me cheese fries, your Aunt Brandy letting me know she was sorry to hear even though it was your cousin’s birthday. These are the things that stand out to me…the people who truly genuinely care. When the time comes for you to experience a loss let those people be there for you don’t push them away God place them right there for a reason. They may never even really know what it meant to you but that’s not always the point and they won’t do it for the recognition anyway. When someone close to you passes it may feel like a hole being burned into your memory and heart…time will stop for a moment and you’ll never forget it. Just like I remember the tears your Pops shed when my Great Grandma Rose passed, or my heart stopping when I realized the phone call your Daddy got when his Granny (your other namesake) passed, or my roommates gathering around my tiny dorm room at CAU so I could get the news my Aunt Janet had passed (that’s still probably the biggest shock of my life) and so many more times that will forever be there in my memory. Sometimes those memories will sneak up on you and take your joy away momentarily. But in those times my baby remember the other memories, the really really good ones that make you laugh until your side hurts. When the sadness creeps in I hope you smile like your Daddy does thinking about his cousin Shareeka or how your Yeye and your great aunts laugh thinking about my Aunt Denise. Death is the more unfortunate of the two universally guaranteed parts of life but take joy in knowing its a cycle. With death will come life again. You remind your Daddy and I so much of your namesakes at different times and sometimes I get a little jealous because I know you get to laugh and talk with all those angels around you. And those angels will never really leave you. We carry the people we love in our souls and that never changes. The hugs stop and the sound of their voices may fade but they never leave us. So I hope you can find joy in that, and find a way to smile a little quicker when you feel like someone has been taken and until you’re ready just remember to rely on those living angels like mommy’s, daddy’s, uncles, aunties, best friends, a nice stranger, etc that God gave you to help pull through. I promise my baby even after death you will find your way back to life. After all just like my Granny would always say instead of goodbye its Just For Now…

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl facing the idea of death remember that spirits don’t die. They are there in the smile of a baby or the little signs that make sense to only you. Don’t feel guilty in moments of happiness because continuing to live doesn’t dishonor those no longer with us. Be strong and in that strength don’t be afraid to be weak.