Tag Archives: daughter

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Leap of Faith

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Dear Ellie:

I have been meaning to write this letter for weeks. Note to self and to you time never stops flying, which actually leads me into what I want to share with you. Time is an amazing concept it can feel different to people though its the same. For instance I just commented to Daddy that this week came quickly and is moving quickly and he replied that it felt slow to him. We had experienced the same 72 hours yet the perception of them was different. With that being time is an unreliable source at times. We can never be fully sure in many cases when its the “right time” for something. Often we have to pray on it, look for signs in the universe, and hope to God we’re making the right choice. There will also be times that we don’t receive as many signs or a clear enough answer on our prayers (honestly it will likely be most of the time) to feel 100% confident in our choices but time keeps moving and we can’t always put those choices off. In those moments we have to take a leap of faith. Dive head first into a life change, a new job, a completely new avenue for our lives. The older I get the more I find that there is rarely a perfect answer and that’s ok! Some of the decision I have made that made the least sense on paper or felt the most unsteady about because of the “risk” have some how led me here today and if nothing else taught me a lesson I value. Many of the biggest decisions I have made thus far in life I had no real way of knowing how it would all work out; in fact some of them I still don’t know. Marriage for instance is all about faith, putting total faith in someone else. The clearest answer I ever received from God was about whether your Daddy and I were meant to be but that doesn’t mean I know what will come from one day to another only that when I leaped I had enough faith to carry through the good and everything else. Being your mother is the absolute last thing I’d trade in the world but it is a constant leap of faith to do this thing as right as I can for you and to know when to acknowledge when I’m not. All around you in your village I see key people in your life reaching for bigger and better, quitting jobs, carving new paths, trying new things, and I’m so encouraged by those leaps of faith. I hope watching people you have faith in having faith in themselves encourages you and gives you the push you need when its time to leap. Its those leaps that land us on the other side of greatness. So take a deep breath, say a prayer, brace yourself, and leap. Even if you fall sometimes that’s what the leap was really all about.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl who can’t find the courage or encouragement to go after that dream job, take a chance on herself, or walk away from something unhealthy…YOU CAN DO IT! I don’t promise it’ll be perfect, I don’t know how long the journey will take but I do know that if its on your heart then half of the benefit of leaping is in the knowing and no longer questioning the what if’s. If you’re wondering should I go for it, should I take a chance on myself let this be a resounding YES for you!

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Definition of Self

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Dear Ellie:

Its the second day of Kwanzaa for 2017, also known as Kujichagulia…also also known as my favorite day of Kwanzaa because it was so fun to say as a kid (I dare you to say it without smiling). Kujichagulia means self determination and represents defining ourselves, naming ourselves, creating for ourselves, and speaking for ourselves. One of the things I love most about Kwanzaa, and Kujichagulia in particular, is that the principles are things I try to instill in you on a daily basis so I always feel good ending our year really highlighting things like unity, self determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. I hope as you grow that these things become more than just a candle you light in the time between Christmas and the New Year and rather things that guide you. I can already see it shining in you. Your Kujichagulia is alive and well. Of course you have moments when Daddy and I have to remind you not to give up but I can see your determination in the quiet moments when you think we’re not looking. I see you naming yourself when someone tries to give you a nickname like Lizzie and you put your foot down and tell them (week after week in gymnastics class) “That’s not my name! Its Elizabeth or Ellie!”. It may seem like a small thing but it makes me proud every time because what I see watching from the sideline is you refusing to be moved or called by something you don’t want to answer to. I see you creating for yourself in every craft that you do and story that you tell. One of my prayers for you on your life long journey to define yourself is that whatever that definition may be and however it may change that it will be one you are secure with and that you are able to speak it for yourself when you’re ready. For now Daddy and I, as well as your village, speak life in to you. We remind you that you are amazing, brilliant, beautiful, caring, and capable of marvelous things. We named you after two of the best women we have ever known and I hope you carry that with you and always take pride in it. Continue to stand firm on who you are whether someone tries to call you Lizzie or something flat out vulgar. Answer only to what you feel speaks to who you are called to be. Your Kalu said something at his recent Flowers for the Living show that I hope you took in (but if not here I am to remind you): “My greatest weapon is my belief in myself”. Believe in yourself and remember the true definition of you. When you stand strong in that no one can move you; they can either accept your greatness or move in another direction. Your Kujichagulia is a powerful magnet it can both attract those you align with and repel those you do not. Embrace it and embrace yourself.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl, whether you celebrate Kwanzaa or not, find your Kujichagulia. Its there inside of you even when you want to give up. Our Kujichagulia is what pushes us to try just one more time and even what gets us out of the bed sometimes against all odds. Your Kujichagulia can also be what takes you to the next level you’ve been dreaming about and what helps you say “No!” to those who would attempt to define you as something you’re not. Find your Kujichagulia and never let it go!

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If You Were a Girl

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Dear Ellie:

From the time you were just Ellie in my belly and not fully formed into my Ellie Bellie I knew you were a girl. Once that feeling was confirmed on the giant ultrasound screen at the fancy 3D place on the Northside (that I just had to go to because I couldn’t wait 6 more weeks to confirm my suspicions) there was an even bigger flood of excitement. I knew if you were a girl people would buy you tons of pretty dresses to wear, your grandparents would be over the moon because you’d be the first girl grandchild on both sides of the family, and me and Daddy would name you after our maternal grandmothers as Daddy had suggested years before. Yep, I knew all of this just because you were a girl. But my baby being a girl doesn’t define everything about you, especially when it comes to what some may think they know about you “just because you’re a girl”. Knowing you were a girl didn’t tell me that you’d actually grow to like Nike sweats like daddy wear just as much as you dresses (most times you like them better). Knowing you were a girl also didn’t tell me that you’d like space so much and have early dreams of being an astronaut or that my own idea of being a woman and raising one would be tested. There are a lot of things that just knowing whether or not you were a girl could never tell me. Being a girl is fun, challenging, magical, empowering, draining, and a whole lot of other things all wrapped into one, most times on a daily basis. Society might try to define that for you but you don’t have to let it. There’s nothing wrong with going to the “boys section” to find the cute astronaut hat you would like because for some reason the clothing designer just didn’t think girls would want it. There’s also nothing wrong with loving the fluffy dress that you’ll only wear once. Define your femininity for yourself based off your likes and dislikes, and let it ever evolve. The other morning I caught you staring at me, doing your normal observations, and you said “Mommy why do you like dresses so much”. I gave my take “they’re comfortable”, “I think I look pretty in them”, “This one has pockets!”. I could see your wheels start to turn as they always do and you responded “My sweat suit is comfortable and I look pretty too.” All I could say was, “it sure is and you sure do my baby”. May you always have that much confidence in yourself and be able to take outside reflections of yourself and apply it in a way that feels right for you. I can’t tell you how often you’ll be one of the only girls at space or science camp, what sports you’ll like, or if you’ll continue to hold interest in things like hair and nails. I can tell you though that since the moment I knew you were a girl I knew you’d be strong, smart, beautiful, and that Daddy and I would do our absolute best to give you what you need to face a world that isn’t always kind to little brown girls. Building yourself, and in this case my child, up from the inside out is what makes a strong foundation not what we put on the outside and I hope you always remember that.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl: YOU’RE AMAZING!! So amazing that without us life would cease. I imagine for some that’s scary. Maybe that’s why society tries to project an image that girls are weaker or have to fit in a box. In reality though you can be whoever you want to be! And no matter what has happened in the past, even if you yourself have felt weaker or stuck in a box you can always start anew. You’re a girl, be proud of that, and define that for yourself.

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Growing Pains

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Dear Ellie:

It seems the older you get and the more you are able to receive these lessons in person the less I post. I was reminded recently though that we all sometimes need a reminder of who we are and what our strengths are. My hope is still that you will one day look back and read these letters, along with any other girl who may need them, and have a constant reminder of who you are and how strong, bold, and beautiful you have the right to be.

With that said my baby you are 4 years old now!! I’m not really sure where time went because just yesterday I was walking around having conversations with you in my belly. You had your yearly check up today and its undeniable how fast you are growing. (As if me and Daddy didn’t already know that judging by how you’ve already out grown half your summer wardrobe.) I remember saying to you one night after you got out the tub when you asked to be carried to your room, as you usually do, “Not tonight love bug you’re getting to big. You’re getting so heavy.” You walked to your room but must have thought about it all night because the next day you said, “Mommy I don’t want to get bigger. I don’t want to be a big girl.” I didn’t understand the connection then but I soon was able to put 2 and 2 together. Growing and changing can be a scary and certainly unfamiliar thing. I want you to remember though my baby that there is often a lesson worth learning and new abilities on the other side of that growth. Whenever I’m asked how me and Daddy knew we wanted to marry each other I usually reflect on the growing we did together from ages 18-25 (me) and 20-27 (Daddy) a lot of change and growth and also some not so great decision making and selfish choices happens during those years and if we could handle that we knew we could handle anything. Yes, sometimes growing up means letting go of what we are used to but my baby I guarantee you if you don’t let go of those things there will never be room for anything new. Its not always fun for me either trying to snuggle you and realizing your legs are far too long now to fit all the way on my lap anymore when you were just my little tiny baby. But, now I can race you around the track and watch you jump hurdles with Daddy, we are starting to read your bedtime stories together instead of just me, I can see your wheels turning in your head as you learn new things everyday, there is so much that I enjoy (and struggle with) during this phase of raising you and I’m learning to cherish every bit of it. I try to remind myself of these things when it feels like you’re getting bigger by the minute and I just want my baby back. Its a delicate balance to appreciate your memories, live in the moment, and work toward the future all at the same time but that’s life my baby. We learn, we change, and if we’re lucky we continue to grow even when our bodies stop. Don’t shy away from growing, enjoy the process, learn the lessons, and one day look back and appreciate where you started. I also want you to remember even when you physically “too big or too heavy” for me to carry, I will always be here to put your hopes, dreams, and ambitions on my back when they seem too burdensome for you. You will never be able to outgrow being my baby.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl either rushing to grow or staying in spot that not allowing her to grow as she should. Be comfortable with your growth. Don’t rush out of one phase because you think there something better at the next step. Life comes at you fast and if you take your time and build the tools you need for each phase you will soon find yourself ill prepared for where you have rushed yourself to be. We also cannot allow ourselves to stay stagnant out of fear. Neither of these options help you to truly grow into who you are capable of being. Cherish the moments, learn from the pain, and accept that your growth process is completely unique and that’s ok! Growth is necessary embrace it in your own time.

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Finding Figures

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Dear Ellie:
There’s a frequently used African proverb that states it takes a village to raise a child. I’ve heard that proverb a million times, and by the time you’re able to read this you probably will have heard it a million times too. I am just realizing that with our work being so connected, thanks to technology, that village is no longer just our elders, neighbors, friends, teachers etc. It’s not just the people who have held you, come to visit you, or welcomed you into this world. No, my baby, I realized today that the village is bigger than that. It’s the figures you see on the screen, the images you read about in your books, and people you learn about in museums. I realized today, as I watched you watch the movie Hidden Figures, that I was watching you see yourself in a little girl who liked shapes. At the same time I was seeing myself in a mom who just wanted the best for her child; a child with a gift for much more than shapes. And while you may never meet Taraji, Janelle, or Octavia who played the three main characters in the movie, they had an impact on you today that I can’t deny. I can however promise to continue to do my best to find figures for you outside of myself to add to your village that you can see a piece of yourself in. I want you to see the beauty, good, honesty, curiousity, perseverance, fortitude, ability, and so much more in yourself; starting by seeing it in other people. And while I strive every day to be the best example for you to watch the greatness in you is so large that it would be a disservice to pretend that I’m all you need. You are at a critical point in life where you are creating an image of yourself in a carefree way because you don’t even realize you’re doing it; but I do. I see your wheels turn when you watch Simone flip, when you see Chloe of Syncopated Ladies tap dance, or listen to Michele speak. It’s the same wheels that turn when you watch your Aunty Charisma sing, watch your Grammy garden, your Yeye baking, or see a picture of your GodMommy Kristin in her white Doctors coat. Every time those wheels turn the picture of yourself in your head gets a little clearer and a little stronger. I want you to know that you are connected to all these images that light a spark in you from the drive you read about in your new favorite book about Wilma Rudolph to the beauty in mommy’s natural hair that curls tight like yours. The ease of access to images in this world can be intimidating as a parent, but I choose to use it to show you the best, to build a digital village for you that is encouraging and inspiring. I choose to find figures for you that make you proud, make you want more, make you think, and make you smile. I don’t know if your dream of going to outer space will be temporary or if it will shoot you past the stars but I do know that you will never find it hard to imagine yourself there or anywhere else you want to go, and I’m thankful for everyone behind movies like Hidden Figures that tell stories that you see yourself in until you can write your own. 

Love you always, 

Mommy

P.S. – To the little girl looking for herself but can’t find the positive…surround yourself with those who exhibit the qualities you wish to have. Even if it’s just following nothing but positive people on social media you may see sooner than you think that you fit right in with the village you build for yourself.

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Super Powers & Kryptonite

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Dear Ellie:

It has been a while since I have posted a letter for you for many reasons my favorite of which being that you grow so much every day and have become my favorite person to talk to besides your Daddy. (How lucky am I to live with my two best friends.) You turned 3 just over a month ago and the things you have learned and concepts you have grasped in that short period amazes me. As you grow and I try to instill in you the values I think are important like kindness, honesty, compassion, and more I love to watch your wheels turn as the idea of you learning these things goes from abstract to every day occurrences. In trying to teach you these things I have learned so much about myself, largely because you imitate me so well that I can’t help but to say “Welp I know where she got that from…Me!.” Which is just as often a good thing as a not so good thing, but it always inspires me to grow. Being your mother has both given me the most joy and caused the most self doubt that I have experienced in my life thus far because no role has ever held so much importance. There are times that no matter what I do I have no control over the outcome of the situation, which is of course a part of life that everyone must cope with but there is something that cuts deep about not being able to make a cold go away, or having to learn to be patient when I see your shyness take over because I just want the world to see the light beam from you like I do, or worse trying to help you to navigate the loss of our dog who in your world was your best friend in so many ways. To be honest grief is not a road I expected to navigate with you at the age of 3 and yet here we are. It is in these moments that I have to be still and try to remind myself that some days we can only do the best we can and some how try to be satisfied with that even if it does not bring about the outcome we want. Being a mother has made grasping that concept in other facets of my life much easier because nothing compares to drive I have to do the best I can with you. If I can face the tough stuff with you like having to tell you no when you ask can I bring your dog back or keep my calm when you break into an unprovoked tantrum; then my baby there is nothing that I can’t handle. So in a way you have helped me to discover a new level to my own Black Girl Magic and in others you remind me that I’m not super human. You too will have moments that ground you and make you realize some things are simply out of our control…AND THAT’S OKAY! I hope you meet these moments with grace and self confidence because it is not these moments that define you it is how you continue to rise to the occasion. THAT is where our magic lies. If you can see past what you perceive to be failures and push through in spite of them, as well as because of them, you have already won the battle that you thought you didn’t have the weapons to fight. I also pray that you are able to see the reminders of your strength around you when you can’t find the voice inside yourself that tells you. You my baby are that reminder for me, constant and pure. We were at a museum about a week ago and as you drew pictures of creatures with super powers at a children’s exhibit you named several that you had created in your mind after me and Daddy. When I asked what the “Mommy” creature’s power was you simply said “listening to me” with out even looking up from your next drawing. Little did you know that moment to me was the equivalent of kryptonite being lifted off Superman. I was worried because you had seen so many people playing with their dogs, and your were likely to start running a fever because I knew you had caught some germs but in that moment I realized I was doing the best I could for you just to be present. So my baby remember hard times will come, obstacles will trip you up, and there will be times that you question yourself and your path but NEVER question who you are! Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength and beauty (inside and out) but don’t rely on them, trust yourself to be able to shake off the specks of kryptonite that may fall on you because your superpowers can never be defeated.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl (and every little girl inside a grown woman) that finds herself in a place of uncertainty know that it can and will be ok. Uncertainty does not have to equal defeat; it can be the catalyst to push you to work harder for your goal. It’s your choice. In moments when you feel you can not succeed examine how hard you have worked and give yourself credit. There is nothing wrong with self reflection, be honest but also be kind with yourself. Even super heroes have weaknesses, but that does negate their power and your weakness can not stop your power either!

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Hair Today

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Dear Ellie:

I get the feeling that hair is something we will be discussing a lot over the years. Hair has always been a tool for expression for many women (and men) and its no different today. What I do think is different is that we are now open, due to technology and the world’s new culture of sharing, to criticism from individuals who just a generation ago would have had no influence on our choices for our hair or any part of our lives really. And honestly my baby a lot of those opinions still shouldn’t matter but you will have a ridiculous amount of access to them so I feel obligated to prepare you. Recently a young actress Zendaya Coleman chose to wear faux dreads to a red carpet event, some would even call it “THE” red carpet event but that’s a topic for another day. She received everything from praises to racist commentary about her choice of hairstyle. Those who chose the latter did not seem to care that she is still just a young girl but its not surprising because there will always be people who lack compassion no matter your age, gender, race, etc. I want you to know that it is not your job to fight or even acknowledge every critic that may come your way. Honestly my baby it is simply not worth the energy. However, if you find yourself moved to confront cruelty be sure to do so with the intent to provoke change and/or peace. I will teach you to try your best to do so with a clear mind, a mind who’s primary emotion is not anger. I think often it is not so much what we are trying to say as much as how we choose to project into the world. Zendaya quoted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in her acceptance of her critic’s apology in saying darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that and I share it with you here. Remember that we do not rid ourselves of anger, hurt, and other unwanted emotion by trying to make someone else feel the same any more than giving a cold to someone will make you sneeze less. We must take it upon ourselves to feel and express kindness, forgiveness, and healing in order to be at a place within ourselves that we can best make a difference with our reaction. You have a lifetime ahead of you making choices and I know that in every instance you will not be able to separate yourself from your emotions but I do hope you strive to work toward not allowing them to be your sole source of guidance as their sense of direction is often not very reliable. At the end of the day its not really about hair its about choices; choices to express ourselves through style, choices to like or not like it, choices to make hurtful statements, and then there is always the choice of how you respond.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who just wants to be accepted and doesn’t want to be judged. Its ok to want to fit in but in reality none of us ever fully do because we were all made differently and every choice we make has the potential to turn us more into the individual we were meant to be or pull us further from what our true potential is. We all have choices and the beauty of them is that every second of every day we are granted the chance to make another one and hopefully better ones.

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Reality Dreams

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Dear Ellie:

I promise not to be a weird therapist mom and try to interpret your dreams. But I also promise to push you toward whatever dreams you want to make reality. I firmly believe that dreams, however they may come to you, are a glimpse at your purpose; you just have to pay attention. While you’re young everything will seem possible but the older you get the reality of life may cause you to think that somethings can’t be done. When you think about it though the difference between your dreams and your reality is your sense of control. Even when you’re having a nightmare its your mind that’s controlling it. So imagine if you started controlling your reality instead of allowing it to be driven by barriers, naysayers, and fears. The mind is a powerful tool, and that’s not just a cliche saying, its a undeniable truth. The power of life and death is in the power of the tongue and the tongue is controlled by the mind. Imagine if you chose to believe that you could do anything and didn’t entertain anything that didn’t support that vision. The hardest part of having a dream is maintaining it with confidence and that is your job alone because it’s something you will have to do for yourself. And as you work toward your dreams remember that they belong to you and it will not be for everyone to understand. It’s not meant for everyone to be apart of your journey. I truly hope that the fad of reality TV ends before you’re old enough to notice if for no other reason than that it promotes the idea that any and everyone is entitled to your journey when in reality, pun intended, they’re not. Even Dr. King, whose holiday we celebrate today, I’m sure had personal dreams and goals that we will never be given insight to, and that’s perfectly fine. Just as dreams are revealed to us in a particular space and time we must be patient in deciding when to reveal those dreams to the world. Protect you dreams because when reality gets hard to bear the vision of where you’re going may be the only thing that continues to propel you forward.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S.
To the little girl who just wants someone to make her dreams come true…you are that person. The vision is all you need to take the first step. Have faith that somewhere along the way room will be made for your dream with perfect timing. Just keep believing; if you can do that you can do anything.

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Fresh Start

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Dear Ellie:

We are 2 weeks into 2015 and I must say, even though it can be cliché, I have always been a fan of the idea of a new year. As I’m sure you will quickly find out I am a fan of most holidays, and celebrating in general, but celebrating a New Year may just be in my top 3 holidays. For many people the new year is synonymous with a fresh start and a new beginning. And even though you don’t have to wait until January 1st to act on the things you want to improve I applaud anyone who chooses to move in a positive direction, whichever day they choose. I think another reason I’ve always enjoyed the new year holiday, especially as an adult, is because its one holiday that we celebrate that isn’t dominated by the idea of gifts. So the combination of positive energy as people feel inspired about change and the lack of materialistic distractions makes it an awesome time of year in my opinion. But my baby you do not have to wait for January to start fresh and December will not always be the end of a journey. Everyone’s chapters in life are written at different lengths and most times it is left up to us to decide when to start a new one. There will also be times when God will move so definitively in an area of your life that there is no denying that it is the end of the era for something. During those times I truly hope you listen to whatever place inside you is telling what you know is right because there will be times you have to either listen to your head, heart, or gut. I think deep down though we always know which is best we just get better at choosing it as our story continues particularly when what you want is not what’s “best”. It is during those times that you just have to have faith that when you turn the page the story will only get better even if not right away. And if nothing else be glad that it continues. I can honestly say that of the chapters I’ve had so far in life none have been my favorite. I have appreciated and enjoyed them all for different reasons and I could never choose a favorite because they aren’t comparable with each being different, important, and connected in its own right. Imagine reading your favorite book; you may have a part you like but it would make no sense with out everything that came before it and that’s how I feel about life. Fresh starts can be both exciting and scary but in the end its all about faith and working toward the direction you’ve chosen to go in. In life we don’t always get a magical midnight kiss that sets up the new day as perfect for change. In reality sometimes you just have to start where you are, hope for the best, and appreciate your journey.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. – To the girl waiting for the perfect moment to start fresh…its here. In fact its always here. You don’t have to wait to be better; the timing is always perfect to improve. Even if you only make baby steps in the direction you want to go its better than running in place. Take a chance on you and have faith in yourself. If you’ve been given the vision for something believe me that’s only the tip of the iceberg everything you need to achieve your goals is right below the surface.

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Family Recipe

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Dear Ellie:

The holiday season typically brings about two things…food and family and if you’re lucky you’ll enjoy both. This year I was glad to see you enjoy all of your grandparents on Christmas Day for a lot of reasons but mostly because that was something I never got to physically do. As I watched you I thought, as I often do, about the person you would grow to be. You’re still so innocent; you enjoy opening presents but don’t expect them or care what’s behind the paper. I know that this stage won’t last forever and I also know there’s no way to predict who or what you might grow up to be. I do know though that I will do my very best to ensure that you appreciate all the great qualities the people in your life possess. I hope your humble like your Daddy, strong willed like your grandmothers, and maintain great work ethic like your grandfathers and that’s only the beginning. In any family there’s good, bad, and the not so attractive but in the end there’s something to be learned from them all whether up close or from a distance. Your family cook book comes with all the ingredients you could ever need to be whatever kind of person you want to be but its up to you which recipe you will choose. And at the end of the day you will add your own page to the cook book with your own little twist on your favorite combinations. You don’t have to be just like any one else, even those worth looking up to. It’s ok to admire someone for their qualities or talents and be independently confident in yours at the same time. I look forward to watching you grow and try out recipes only to learn that in certain kitchens you only need a pinch of perseverance rather than the whole cup that had you working away at something that was meant to be walked away from. Humans are fluid beings; we are blessed with the ability to constantly change and grow through our own choices. So whatever ingredients you choose be proud of the cookbook that you came from; some dishes may be an acquired taste but they are loved by someone nonetheless.

Love Always,

Mommy

P. S.
To the little girl who feels like she can’t get it quite right, or doesn’t understand why she was born into or placed into a certain family…there is little good that comes from worrying about what we can not change. Instead of harping on being dealt a bad card let negativity fuel you into moving in a positive direction. After all, positive or negative, it’s all energy. And never loose faith that everything has a purpose and know sometimes we make our own choices about what that purpose will be.