Tag Archives: life lessons

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Leap of Faith

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Dear Ellie:

I have been meaning to write this letter for weeks. Note to self and to you time never stops flying, which actually leads me into what I want to share with you. Time is an amazing concept it can feel different to people though its the same. For instance I just commented to Daddy that this week came quickly and is moving quickly and he replied that it felt slow to him. We had experienced the same 72 hours yet the perception of them was different. With that being time is an unreliable source at times. We can never be fully sure in many cases when its the “right time” for something. Often we have to pray on it, look for signs in the universe, and hope to God we’re making the right choice. There will also be times that we don’t receive as many signs or a clear enough answer on our prayers (honestly it will likely be most of the time) to feel 100% confident in our choices but time keeps moving and we can’t always put those choices off. In those moments we have to take a leap of faith. Dive head first into a life change, a new job, a completely new avenue for our lives. The older I get the more I find that there is rarely a perfect answer and that’s ok! Some of the decision I have made that made the least sense on paper or felt the most unsteady about because of the “risk” have some how led me here today and if nothing else taught me a lesson I value. Many of the biggest decisions I have made thus far in life I had no real way of knowing how it would all work out; in fact some of them I still don’t know. Marriage for instance is all about faith, putting total faith in someone else. The clearest answer I ever received from God was about whether your Daddy and I were meant to be but that doesn’t mean I know what will come from one day to another only that when I leaped I had enough faith to carry through the good and everything else. Being your mother is the absolute last thing I’d trade in the world but it is a constant leap of faith to do this thing as right as I can for you and to know when to acknowledge when I’m not. All around you in your village I see key people in your life reaching for bigger and better, quitting jobs, carving new paths, trying new things, and I’m so encouraged by those leaps of faith. I hope watching people you have faith in having faith in themselves encourages you and gives you the push you need when its time to leap. Its those leaps that land us on the other side of greatness. So take a deep breath, say a prayer, brace yourself, and leap. Even if you fall sometimes that’s what the leap was really all about.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl who can’t find the courage or encouragement to go after that dream job, take a chance on herself, or walk away from something unhealthy…YOU CAN DO IT! I don’t promise it’ll be perfect, I don’t know how long the journey will take but I do know that if its on your heart then half of the benefit of leaping is in the knowing and no longer questioning the what if’s. If you’re wondering should I go for it, should I take a chance on myself let this be a resounding YES for you!

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Definition of Self

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Dear Ellie:

Its the second day of Kwanzaa for 2017, also known as Kujichagulia…also also known as my favorite day of Kwanzaa because it was so fun to say as a kid (I dare you to say it without smiling). Kujichagulia means self determination and represents defining ourselves, naming ourselves, creating for ourselves, and speaking for ourselves. One of the things I love most about Kwanzaa, and Kujichagulia in particular, is that the principles are things I try to instill in you on a daily basis so I always feel good ending our year really highlighting things like unity, self determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. I hope as you grow that these things become more than just a candle you light in the time between Christmas and the New Year and rather things that guide you. I can already see it shining in you. Your Kujichagulia is alive and well. Of course you have moments when Daddy and I have to remind you not to give up but I can see your determination in the quiet moments when you think we’re not looking. I see you naming yourself when someone tries to give you a nickname like Lizzie and you put your foot down and tell them (week after week in gymnastics class) “That’s not my name! Its Elizabeth or Ellie!”. It may seem like a small thing but it makes me proud every time because what I see watching from the sideline is you refusing to be moved or called by something you don’t want to answer to. I see you creating for yourself in every craft that you do and story that you tell. One of my prayers for you on your life long journey to define yourself is that whatever that definition may be and however it may change that it will be one you are secure with and that you are able to speak it for yourself when you’re ready. For now Daddy and I, as well as your village, speak life in to you. We remind you that you are amazing, brilliant, beautiful, caring, and capable of marvelous things. We named you after two of the best women we have ever known and I hope you carry that with you and always take pride in it. Continue to stand firm on who you are whether someone tries to call you Lizzie or something flat out vulgar. Answer only to what you feel speaks to who you are called to be. Your Kalu said something at his recent Flowers for the Living show that I hope you took in (but if not here I am to remind you): “My greatest weapon is my belief in myself”. Believe in yourself and remember the true definition of you. When you stand strong in that no one can move you; they can either accept your greatness or move in another direction. Your Kujichagulia is a powerful magnet it can both attract those you align with and repel those you do not. Embrace it and embrace yourself.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl, whether you celebrate Kwanzaa or not, find your Kujichagulia. Its there inside of you even when you want to give up. Our Kujichagulia is what pushes us to try just one more time and even what gets us out of the bed sometimes against all odds. Your Kujichagulia can also be what takes you to the next level you’ve been dreaming about and what helps you say “No!” to those who would attempt to define you as something you’re not. Find your Kujichagulia and never let it go!

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Growing Pains

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Dear Ellie:

It seems the older you get and the more you are able to receive these lessons in person the less I post. I was reminded recently though that we all sometimes need a reminder of who we are and what our strengths are. My hope is still that you will one day look back and read these letters, along with any other girl who may need them, and have a constant reminder of who you are and how strong, bold, and beautiful you have the right to be.

With that said my baby you are 4 years old now!! I’m not really sure where time went because just yesterday I was walking around having conversations with you in my belly. You had your yearly check up today and its undeniable how fast you are growing. (As if me and Daddy didn’t already know that judging by how you’ve already out grown half your summer wardrobe.) I remember saying to you one night after you got out the tub when you asked to be carried to your room, as you usually do, “Not tonight love bug you’re getting to big. You’re getting so heavy.” You walked to your room but must have thought about it all night because the next day you said, “Mommy I don’t want to get bigger. I don’t want to be a big girl.” I didn’t understand the connection then but I soon was able to put 2 and 2 together. Growing and changing can be a scary and certainly unfamiliar thing. I want you to remember though my baby that there is often a lesson worth learning and new abilities on the other side of that growth. Whenever I’m asked how me and Daddy knew we wanted to marry each other I usually reflect on the growing we did together from ages 18-25 (me) and 20-27 (Daddy) a lot of change and growth and also some not so great decision making and selfish choices happens during those years and if we could handle that we knew we could handle anything. Yes, sometimes growing up means letting go of what we are used to but my baby I guarantee you if you don’t let go of those things there will never be room for anything new. Its not always fun for me either trying to snuggle you and realizing your legs are far too long now to fit all the way on my lap anymore when you were just my little tiny baby. But, now I can race you around the track and watch you jump hurdles with Daddy, we are starting to read your bedtime stories together instead of just me, I can see your wheels turning in your head as you learn new things everyday, there is so much that I enjoy (and struggle with) during this phase of raising you and I’m learning to cherish every bit of it. I try to remind myself of these things when it feels like you’re getting bigger by the minute and I just want my baby back. Its a delicate balance to appreciate your memories, live in the moment, and work toward the future all at the same time but that’s life my baby. We learn, we change, and if we’re lucky we continue to grow even when our bodies stop. Don’t shy away from growing, enjoy the process, learn the lessons, and one day look back and appreciate where you started. I also want you to remember even when you physically “too big or too heavy” for me to carry, I will always be here to put your hopes, dreams, and ambitions on my back when they seem too burdensome for you. You will never be able to outgrow being my baby.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl either rushing to grow or staying in spot that not allowing her to grow as she should. Be comfortable with your growth. Don’t rush out of one phase because you think there something better at the next step. Life comes at you fast and if you take your time and build the tools you need for each phase you will soon find yourself ill prepared for where you have rushed yourself to be. We also cannot allow ourselves to stay stagnant out of fear. Neither of these options help you to truly grow into who you are capable of being. Cherish the moments, learn from the pain, and accept that your growth process is completely unique and that’s ok! Growth is necessary embrace it in your own time.

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Super Powers & Kryptonite

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Dear Ellie:

It has been a while since I have posted a letter for you for many reasons my favorite of which being that you grow so much every day and have become my favorite person to talk to besides your Daddy. (How lucky am I to live with my two best friends.) You turned 3 just over a month ago and the things you have learned and concepts you have grasped in that short period amazes me. As you grow and I try to instill in you the values I think are important like kindness, honesty, compassion, and more I love to watch your wheels turn as the idea of you learning these things goes from abstract to every day occurrences. In trying to teach you these things I have learned so much about myself, largely because you imitate me so well that I can’t help but to say “Welp I know where she got that from…Me!.” Which is just as often a good thing as a not so good thing, but it always inspires me to grow. Being your mother has both given me the most joy and caused the most self doubt that I have experienced in my life thus far because no role has ever held so much importance. There are times that no matter what I do I have no control over the outcome of the situation, which is of course a part of life that everyone must cope with but there is something that cuts deep about not being able to make a cold go away, or having to learn to be patient when I see your shyness take over because I just want the world to see the light beam from you like I do, or worse trying to help you to navigate the loss of our dog who in your world was your best friend in so many ways. To be honest grief is not a road I expected to navigate with you at the age of 3 and yet here we are. It is in these moments that I have to be still and try to remind myself that some days we can only do the best we can and some how try to be satisfied with that even if it does not bring about the outcome we want. Being a mother has made grasping that concept in other facets of my life much easier because nothing compares to drive I have to do the best I can with you. If I can face the tough stuff with you like having to tell you no when you ask can I bring your dog back or keep my calm when you break into an unprovoked tantrum; then my baby there is nothing that I can’t handle. So in a way you have helped me to discover a new level to my own Black Girl Magic and in others you remind me that I’m not super human. You too will have moments that ground you and make you realize some things are simply out of our control…AND THAT’S OKAY! I hope you meet these moments with grace and self confidence because it is not these moments that define you it is how you continue to rise to the occasion. THAT is where our magic lies. If you can see past what you perceive to be failures and push through in spite of them, as well as because of them, you have already won the battle that you thought you didn’t have the weapons to fight. I also pray that you are able to see the reminders of your strength around you when you can’t find the voice inside yourself that tells you. You my baby are that reminder for me, constant and pure. We were at a museum about a week ago and as you drew pictures of creatures with super powers at a children’s exhibit you named several that you had created in your mind after me and Daddy. When I asked what the “Mommy” creature’s power was you simply said “listening to me” with out even looking up from your next drawing. Little did you know that moment to me was the equivalent of kryptonite being lifted off Superman. I was worried because you had seen so many people playing with their dogs, and your were likely to start running a fever because I knew you had caught some germs but in that moment I realized I was doing the best I could for you just to be present. So my baby remember hard times will come, obstacles will trip you up, and there will be times that you question yourself and your path but NEVER question who you are! Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength and beauty (inside and out) but don’t rely on them, trust yourself to be able to shake off the specks of kryptonite that may fall on you because your superpowers can never be defeated.

 

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl (and every little girl inside a grown woman) that finds herself in a place of uncertainty know that it can and will be ok. Uncertainty does not have to equal defeat; it can be the catalyst to push you to work harder for your goal. It’s your choice. In moments when you feel you can not succeed examine how hard you have worked and give yourself credit. There is nothing wrong with self reflection, be honest but also be kind with yourself. Even super heroes have weaknesses, but that does negate their power and your weakness can not stop your power either!

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Breath Taking

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Dear Ellie:

I must admit when I decided to start writing my letters to you openly I did not take into account the number of times I would be faced with writing to you about issues that quite frankly break my heart (but its my belief that God times everything perfectly). It is a difficult realization to look at you and know that there will come a time that you will be judged on how you look not who you are, and unfortunately my baby this is a fact not an assumption. I promise to be the best example and I can be for you and to encourage you to be better and go farther than me. But I’m not quite sure how to prepare you for the anger or fear that you’ll feel when one of the black men in your life, no matter how great they are, find themselves in a confrontation with those meant to protect us. I will teach you how to call 911, not to hate any group of people, and that if a crime is committed against you to call the police. But again I don’t know how to prepare you for a system that is designed to protect you FROM people who look like you not to protect people who look like you. I remember moving to the suburbs and yours Pops being pulled over a block away from our home and I remember your Daddy calling to tell me he had been pulled over in route from Minneapolis. In both cases neither was in the wrong but excuses were given of why they were pulled over. I can not promise you that if you find yourself up against someone in power that there is much you can do in the moment but get through it with air still in your lungs but I can promise you that I will not raise you to sit passively by after the fact. I find myself feeling obligated daily to live my life in a way that will inspire somebody or help somebody even when I think I just don’t have it in me because people like Eric Garner, whatever his sins and transgressions might have been, pleaded until his literal last breath. I find myself empathizing with the family of Tamir Rice because your Daddy was once a 12 year old boy who had been taught to shoot a BB gun in the country with his grandfather but Tamir didn’t have that luxury of playing with a BB gun. I know a lot of people who say they are scared for the black men in their life but I choose not to be afraid but rather be driven for them because I love your Daddy, my Father, your Uncle, and all 6 of my nephews way too much to just live in fear. The day of the grand jury decision in the case of the killing of Michael Brown was released I had spent my entire day speaking to classrooms that were filled with young black men who could’ve very well been Michael Brown and I don’t take those opportunities lightly (and again God times everything perfectly). So my baby however you decide to fight, because while I can light the fire in you your actions are your choice not mine, just remember there are those who don’t have an option, they can no longer breathe. But as long as you able to, breathe life and positivity into those who hate and discrimination tries to suffocate.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that wonders “what am I supposed to do?”…honestly I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you can do something. Standing idly by while things you say you are against continue to happen doesn’t mean your opposed to it; it means the role you play allows it to continue. Sometimes we are not in a position to see the bigger picture but that doesn’t mean we are not a part of it. Your life is a tool use it wisely, live in a way that inspires, encourages, creates, or demands change.

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Judge and Jury

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Dear Ellie:

I truly hope you grow up to be able to continuously greet new situations with a fresh take and that you don’t grow cynical after life takes a turn that you’ll find yourself unhappy with, because there will be a lot of turns like that. I will do my best to show you how not to be judgmental of people because you truly never know how many unfortunate turns that person’s life has taken before your paths cross. However, I don’t want you to be naïve either. Being able to judge people and situations is a fine art love bug and one that can take time to master; and quite frankly as a black woman it will be essential. Maya Angelou said once “When people show you who you are believe them; the first time”. It will serve you well to remember that one because sometimes we want to believe the best in people even when faced with overwhelming evidence that a person or situation is not who or what we hoped it would be. And trust me when I say my baby that its ok…no disappointment is in vein if we can find the lesson in it. But you have to take honest inventory of those around us because if they are not contributing to the greater good in your life then why are they still there. It would be wonderful if I could send you out into the world knowing that everyone loved you as much as I did and everyone would care for you like Daddy, but the truth of the matter is that despite the billions of people in the world a miniscule amount of them will truly be good for you. That doesn’t mean though that people can’t have their good moments or that positivity can’t be found in negative situations; you just have to learn how to judge for yourself what your limits should be with certain people and situations. In this world no matter the goodness of your intent you can be turned into a villain or a hero depending on who tells your story. If you were old enough right now to travel to St. Louis County, Missouri you could find yourself in two worlds based upon who you asked to tell you what was going on. Its unfortunate that we will never truly know what happened between Mike Brown and Darren Wilson but I do know that the decision to bring Mr. Wilson to trial or not was not decided by a jury of Mike Brown’s peers and those who wish to can judge him as a “thug” who placed himself in the position to be killed. I also know that Mike Brown will never tell his version of what happened. But you my baby are apart of a generation that will have unlimited access to media and information and it will be your generation that has to use their better judgment when deciding what battles should be fought and who should fight them. Take a honest look at people my baby because not everyone will be here for your betterment and that’s not about being judgmental but rather judging character. It is character that defines a person’s actions when they are left to decide them for themselves, that drives a person’s motives, or that writes post on social media when you don’t have to say what you think aloud to anyone’s face, and its character that shows you who a person really is. So please my baby by all means see the world, be open to new experiences, and don’t judge every book by its cover but when the first chapter is filled with hatred, lies, and other disgusting parts of humanities that I hope you never have to experience (even when I know its inevitable) then at that point its ok to say I see who you are. Be your own judge and jury because this is your life, your rights, your future, etc. and you haven’t been granted the privilege of allowing someone else to protect them.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl reading this. I wish you lived in a society that wouldn’t judge you or place you in a box for your past transgression but this is the world we live in. A world where we have unlimited access to your past and it can be used in anyway seen fit depending on the person. Everyone is not to be trusted and every situation will not have a positive outcome. That doesn’t make you powerless though. Being a good judge of character and understanding the direction you want your life to go in doesn’t make you judgmental or mean that your pessimistic. Walk in your own light and let it be know that anyone or anything that attempts to dim that light won’t be tolerated any longer.

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For Your Consideration

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Dear Ellie:

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, from being a wife and mom is the art of constantly being considerate of others. I say art because I think its something that may come natural or that we can learn from observation but to truly be considerate it takes practice and care. It takes skill to stop yourself in the midst of your anger, busy day, or selfishness and truly think about how that other person must be feeling or what their reaction would be to your action. You will have a time in your life where you will have the right to be selfish and to do things that are best for just you regardless of others because you won’t truly be responsible for anyone else and during that time I will do my best to encourage you to enjoy it. While there are certainly perks to being tied to you and Daddy I know that I can appreciate it so much more because I was able to freely enjoy other phases of my life and I can look back now with the understanding that while I cared about and took into consideration the feelings of those I love I ultimately made decisions based on my thoughts and feelings. But while I want you to enjoy that phase of your life as well I also want you to also remember that for every action there is a reaction and we are never really alone; we are always connected to those around us. So with that in mind my baby be sure to be considerate of others and what their role is in your life and vice versa. Despite the fact that me and Daddy’s world revolve around you the entire planet does not operate like that (shocking I know). Before you ask something of someone be sure to consider if the tables were turned would you do what you are asking of that person and if you did how would you feel about it. When we sharpen our ability to connect with the feelings of others around us it essentially leads to us being better human beings. It is not enough though to be aware of others feelings but we have to constantly make an active decision to care. That sounds easy but when your own feelings get hurt, or your desires hang over your head, or we begin to move so fast that it all becomes a blur of things we are unaware of in the midst of our tunnel vision we can easily miss this major piece to the puzzle. I hope for you to always keep your heart free to love and care and to never let it harden over so that you can’t connect your humanity with that of another person. I hope that you don’t allow the world to desensitize you to the traumas of others or the daily emotions of those in your life as they are equally important.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who is proud to say “I don’t care”…this is not a bragging right my dear. Whatever has occurred to harden your heart that it can no longer function to its full capacity to love and care for another person…let it go. Be considerate of your self and allow your self the opportunity to freely use your heart. Be brave enough to care despite the pain.