Tag Archives: love

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Definition of Self

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Dear Ellie:

Its the second day of Kwanzaa for 2017, also known as Kujichagulia…also also known as my favorite day of Kwanzaa because it was so fun to say as a kid (I dare you to say it without smiling). Kujichagulia means self determination and represents defining ourselves, naming ourselves, creating for ourselves, and speaking for ourselves. One of the things I love most about Kwanzaa, and Kujichagulia in particular, is that the principles are things I try to instill in you on a daily basis so I always feel good ending our year really highlighting things like unity, self determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. I hope as you grow that these things become more than just a candle you light in the time between Christmas and the New Year and rather things that guide you. I can already see it shining in you. Your Kujichagulia is alive and well. Of course you have moments when Daddy and I have to remind you not to give up but I can see your determination in the quiet moments when you think we’re not looking. I see you naming yourself when someone tries to give you a nickname like Lizzie and you put your foot down and tell them (week after week in gymnastics class) “That’s not my name! Its Elizabeth or Ellie!”. It may seem like a small thing but it makes me proud every time because what I see watching from the sideline is you refusing to be moved or called by something you don’t want to answer to. I see you creating for yourself in every craft that you do and story that you tell. One of my prayers for you on your life long journey to define yourself is that whatever that definition may be and however it may change that it will be one you are secure with and that you are able to speak it for yourself when you’re ready. For now Daddy and I, as well as your village, speak life in to you. We remind you that you are amazing, brilliant, beautiful, caring, and capable of marvelous things. We named you after two of the best women we have ever known and I hope you carry that with you and always take pride in it. Continue to stand firm on who you are whether someone tries to call you Lizzie or something flat out vulgar. Answer only to what you feel speaks to who you are called to be. Your Kalu said something at his recent Flowers for the Living show that I hope you took in (but if not here I am to remind you): “My greatest weapon is my belief in myself”. Believe in yourself and remember the true definition of you. When you stand strong in that no one can move you; they can either accept your greatness or move in another direction. Your Kujichagulia is a powerful magnet it can both attract those you align with and repel those you do not. Embrace it and embrace yourself.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To every little girl, whether you celebrate Kwanzaa or not, find your Kujichagulia. Its there inside of you even when you want to give up. Our Kujichagulia is what pushes us to try just one more time and even what gets us out of the bed sometimes against all odds. Your Kujichagulia can also be what takes you to the next level you’ve been dreaming about and what helps you say “No!” to those who would attempt to define you as something you’re not. Find your Kujichagulia and never let it go!

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Growing Pains

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Dear Ellie:

It seems the older you get and the more you are able to receive these lessons in person the less I post. I was reminded recently though that we all sometimes need a reminder of who we are and what our strengths are. My hope is still that you will one day look back and read these letters, along with any other girl who may need them, and have a constant reminder of who you are and how strong, bold, and beautiful you have the right to be.

With that said my baby you are 4 years old now!! I’m not really sure where time went because just yesterday I was walking around having conversations with you in my belly. You had your yearly check up today and its undeniable how fast you are growing. (As if me and Daddy didn’t already know that judging by how you’ve already out grown half your summer wardrobe.) I remember saying to you one night after you got out the tub when you asked to be carried to your room, as you usually do, “Not tonight love bug you’re getting to big. You’re getting so heavy.” You walked to your room but must have thought about it all night because the next day you said, “Mommy I don’t want to get bigger. I don’t want to be a big girl.” I didn’t understand the connection then but I soon was able to put 2 and 2 together. Growing and changing can be a scary and certainly unfamiliar thing. I want you to remember though my baby that there is often a lesson worth learning and new abilities on the other side of that growth. Whenever I’m asked how me and Daddy knew we wanted to marry each other I usually reflect on the growing we did together from ages 18-25 (me) and 20-27 (Daddy) a lot of change and growth and also some not so great decision making and selfish choices happens during those years and if we could handle that we knew we could handle anything. Yes, sometimes growing up means letting go of what we are used to but my baby I guarantee you if you don’t let go of those things there will never be room for anything new. Its not always fun for me either trying to snuggle you and realizing your legs are far too long now to fit all the way on my lap anymore when you were just my little tiny baby. But, now I can race you around the track and watch you jump hurdles with Daddy, we are starting to read your bedtime stories together instead of just me, I can see your wheels turning in your head as you learn new things everyday, there is so much that I enjoy (and struggle with) during this phase of raising you and I’m learning to cherish every bit of it. I try to remind myself of these things when it feels like you’re getting bigger by the minute and I just want my baby back. Its a delicate balance to appreciate your memories, live in the moment, and work toward the future all at the same time but that’s life my baby. We learn, we change, and if we’re lucky we continue to grow even when our bodies stop. Don’t shy away from growing, enjoy the process, learn the lessons, and one day look back and appreciate where you started. I also want you to remember even when you physically “too big or too heavy” for me to carry, I will always be here to put your hopes, dreams, and ambitions on my back when they seem too burdensome for you. You will never be able to outgrow being my baby.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S.- To the little girl either rushing to grow or staying in spot that not allowing her to grow as she should. Be comfortable with your growth. Don’t rush out of one phase because you think there something better at the next step. Life comes at you fast and if you take your time and build the tools you need for each phase you will soon find yourself ill prepared for where you have rushed yourself to be. We also cannot allow ourselves to stay stagnant out of fear. Neither of these options help you to truly grow into who you are capable of being. Cherish the moments, learn from the pain, and accept that your growth process is completely unique and that’s ok! Growth is necessary embrace it in your own time.

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Breath Taking

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Dear Ellie:

I must admit when I decided to start writing my letters to you openly I did not take into account the number of times I would be faced with writing to you about issues that quite frankly break my heart (but its my belief that God times everything perfectly). It is a difficult realization to look at you and know that there will come a time that you will be judged on how you look not who you are, and unfortunately my baby this is a fact not an assumption. I promise to be the best example and I can be for you and to encourage you to be better and go farther than me. But I’m not quite sure how to prepare you for the anger or fear that you’ll feel when one of the black men in your life, no matter how great they are, find themselves in a confrontation with those meant to protect us. I will teach you how to call 911, not to hate any group of people, and that if a crime is committed against you to call the police. But again I don’t know how to prepare you for a system that is designed to protect you FROM people who look like you not to protect people who look like you. I remember moving to the suburbs and yours Pops being pulled over a block away from our home and I remember your Daddy calling to tell me he had been pulled over in route from Minneapolis. In both cases neither was in the wrong but excuses were given of why they were pulled over. I can not promise you that if you find yourself up against someone in power that there is much you can do in the moment but get through it with air still in your lungs but I can promise you that I will not raise you to sit passively by after the fact. I find myself feeling obligated daily to live my life in a way that will inspire somebody or help somebody even when I think I just don’t have it in me because people like Eric Garner, whatever his sins and transgressions might have been, pleaded until his literal last breath. I find myself empathizing with the family of Tamir Rice because your Daddy was once a 12 year old boy who had been taught to shoot a BB gun in the country with his grandfather but Tamir didn’t have that luxury of playing with a BB gun. I know a lot of people who say they are scared for the black men in their life but I choose not to be afraid but rather be driven for them because I love your Daddy, my Father, your Uncle, and all 6 of my nephews way too much to just live in fear. The day of the grand jury decision in the case of the killing of Michael Brown was released I had spent my entire day speaking to classrooms that were filled with young black men who could’ve very well been Michael Brown and I don’t take those opportunities lightly (and again God times everything perfectly). So my baby however you decide to fight, because while I can light the fire in you your actions are your choice not mine, just remember there are those who don’t have an option, they can no longer breathe. But as long as you able to, breathe life and positivity into those who hate and discrimination tries to suffocate.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that wonders “what am I supposed to do?”…honestly I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you can do something. Standing idly by while things you say you are against continue to happen doesn’t mean your opposed to it; it means the role you play allows it to continue. Sometimes we are not in a position to see the bigger picture but that doesn’t mean we are not a part of it. Your life is a tool use it wisely, live in a way that inspires, encourages, creates, or demands change.

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Law of Energy

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Dear Ellie:

If I wouldn’t have had to take extra chemistry classes I secretly think that I would have been a physicist. Next to Psychology, Physics was my favorite class in high school and though I don’t even remotely use anything I learned from that class in my day to day life (and no that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to study for your physics exam) I still remember the things I learned. One of those things is the law of conservation which says that energy cannot be created or destroyed however it can be transferred. This is not only true for kinetic, mechanical, or chemical but also for your personal spiritual energy. I believe that we transfer our energy back and forth everyday. When you get older you will notice that when a stranger is nice to you it may put a smile on your face or encourage you to be nice to another stranger; that my baby is a simple exchange of positive energy. You may also notice that being around someone who is always angry, usually for someone unknown reason, will drain you and that my baby is because that pulls on our energy too. I believe that we pull on the people’s energy around us subconsciously to balance our own energy levels. The further you allow yourself to get away from your positive energy the harder you will have to work to get it back. With that being said it is imperative that you surround yourself with people who can pour positivity into you. You also have to pour back the amount of positive energy into people that they pour into you. I would say pour into people what they pour into you but pouring negativity into people who try to drown you in their toxic energy will not do you any good. There will be people, whether family, friend or foe, who will not deserve your energy and that’s ok…you do not have to be everything to every body. Please do not wait until years down the line to realize you are constantly spreading yourself thin for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. But I also don’t want you think that you have to play tit for tat all energy is not exchanged the same way. For instance, between you and Daddy I have every single ounce of good vibes I need to get me through my day by 7am simply by being in your presence so don’t ever worry about buying me expensive gifts to match the money I’ve spent on you or anything like that because being around you is more than enough. If you know someone is a good force in your life then be that for them in whatever way you’re able. And in that same breath remember that everyone’s energy doesn’t mix so don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t support you or pour into you the way you would hope. I promise you that you have every ounce of positive energy behind you that you need. Even when I’m not physically with you my thoughts and prayers are always with you and so are the thoughts and prayers of a lot of other people’s that love you. Some people will never even express their support for you but you will feel their energy and some people will claim to love and support you yet you never feel anything but negativity from them. Use your energy radar to guide you and appreciate those who give you their positivity because its an asset that we can’t afford to waste in this world.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

 

P.S. To the girl waiting on someone to love you or show you they care please don’t waste your time. If someone is supposed to be on your side they will be no one is obligated to you. All we can truly do in life is appreciate those who help to restore our good energy when the world steals it away. And even though we should appreciate those people you don’t have to wait for them..take the time to do whatever you need to do to heal and get yourself back to a place of positivity.

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A Love Like This

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Dear Ellie:

I had a thought in mind as I went to write this letter to you and then I heard of the passing of another legend, Ruby Dee. As I tell you all the time, and will continue to, its one of my most important missions in life to ensure that you know and respect the stories of those that came before you so I don’t doubt that by the time you read this on your own you will know who the fabulously talented Ruby Dee was. So today I’m not writing to you about just her exactly but more so the love she had with her husband who passed before her Ossie Davis. Not only did they act in countless movies, plays, etc together they also strived together to fight for things they believed in. I remember seeing pictures of them or watching old movies with my Granny and thinking “man that’s love”. They just exuded love; you could see it in every picture, mannerisms, and look. And I’m sure that there were days when they couldn’t stand each other (cause that’s how love works) but they were the definition of a unit. They remind me of another power couple. They weren’t famous or anything but their love was powerful enough. I’m speaking of my Granny and Grandaddy Paul. My Mommy’s Daddy passed before I was born so I never had the chance to meet him but I could always feel him around. He was in the way your Granny spoke and even there in the dead of night when she would call out to him in her sleep. I remember once she was asked why she never remarried and she said…”To Who?”. She was so taken aback at the question as though it never crossed her mind. She said…”Who else was there?” And in that moment I remember thinking I want a love like a that. A love so powerful that it could help change laws in a country where human beings were seen as less than because of the color or their skin and at the same time so powerful that you couldn’t even imagine life with someone else. The kind of love that gives you confidence that this is it from every up, down, left, and right you know in your heart of hearts you love someone that you can ride it out until the wheels fall off. Some people may say that that’s just how love used to be that they don’t make love like that anymore. Well my baby I think that God is love and with that being my truth how could I ever believe that the kind of love that will last a lifetime doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m so thankful that I know in my heart you will grow up seeing love because he gave me your Daddy. Yes things and times change but a heart is a heart and love is love. But at the same time I don’t want your life to be all about chasing love of a person, because when it’s right it will find you, but I do hope that you always believe in love my baby. After your first, second, or third heart break I hope you keep believing; and I hope that belief helps you to realize that you don’t have to settle for just any love. And my baby everybody’s love looks different so don’t strive for a relationship like Mommy and Daddy’s or even Ruby Dee and Ossie. There’s a love that God created and intended just for you and no one has to understand it but you. And my hopes for you go beyond love for another person I hope the kind of love I’m telling you about consumes your whole life. I pray you have a career that you love and allows you to serve your purpose, that you have hobbies you love, and that life takes you places you fall in love with. Who says every moment of life can’t be great?! Yes as I’ve told you there will be hard times along your journey but when you know in you’re heart that its just a part of a journey toward something you love it makes it so much more worth it. So my baby love hard even if you can’t explain but you know its right go for it. And if that love leaves you I hope you find it again like Ossie has Ruby again and Herbert got Elizabeth back.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl searching for love…STOP! Love isn’t a scavenger hunt or a game of hide and seek. It will find you when you least expect it. Just keep living and loving yourself, your life, and your purpose (even if you don’t know what it is yet) and eventually you will attract the love God intended for you. The kind of love you won’t have to beg for or feel bad about. Just a regular old day in day out I love you even at your worst type of love.

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Point of it All

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Dear Ellie:

When Mommy and Daddy got married our wedding song was “Point of it All” by Anthony Hamilton and every time we go to a wedding or hear that song played it brings me back to my wedding day. There was so much love in the room that day and I felt love beaming from the look in Daddy’s eyes as I walked down the aisle. I truly hope that you are able to see and feel love around you because I strongly believe that it’s the point of it all. Life is better when you spend it with people you love, do what you love, and give love. I pray that no matter what, you don’t allow yourself to become so jaded that you loose hope in love. In its purest form, love is the closest we get to heaven on earth. When the winds are blowing and times are tough it’s love that will give you peace and make you remember what’s truly important. If one day you wake up and realize you have put love of whatever kind on the back burner stop and do some reevaluating. I can’t tell you how long any of us have on Earth but I can tell you that love makes how ever long we have worth it. When I’ve had a long day, I’m frustrated, or down there is nothing that picks me up faster than seeing you and Daddy smile. When I think about the sacrifices I make I never have to wonder “what’s the point”. You are the point my baby, a perfect reflection of the love you were created from. I admire how you love so fearlessly in your innocence. What ever it is that will make you happy whether it’s a hug from mommy, a spin from daddy, or “petting” the dog you just go for it. I know life will teach you boundaries and a healthy amount of fear but don’t ever let it stop you from loving because if you’re not using your heart what’s the point?

I love you always my baby

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl (or broken woman) who looked for love to soon or to long in the wrong places it’s ok to stop, reevaluate, and find a way to love yourself again. Start loving yourself and it will flow from there.