Tag Archives: open letter

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Judge and Jury

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Dear Ellie:

I truly hope you grow up to be able to continuously greet new situations with a fresh take and that you don’t grow cynical after life takes a turn that you’ll find yourself unhappy with, because there will be a lot of turns like that. I will do my best to show you how not to be judgmental of people because you truly never know how many unfortunate turns that person’s life has taken before your paths cross. However, I don’t want you to be naïve either. Being able to judge people and situations is a fine art love bug and one that can take time to master; and quite frankly as a black woman it will be essential. Maya Angelou said once “When people show you who you are believe them; the first time”. It will serve you well to remember that one because sometimes we want to believe the best in people even when faced with overwhelming evidence that a person or situation is not who or what we hoped it would be. And trust me when I say my baby that its ok…no disappointment is in vein if we can find the lesson in it. But you have to take honest inventory of those around us because if they are not contributing to the greater good in your life then why are they still there. It would be wonderful if I could send you out into the world knowing that everyone loved you as much as I did and everyone would care for you like Daddy, but the truth of the matter is that despite the billions of people in the world a miniscule amount of them will truly be good for you. That doesn’t mean though that people can’t have their good moments or that positivity can’t be found in negative situations; you just have to learn how to judge for yourself what your limits should be with certain people and situations. In this world no matter the goodness of your intent you can be turned into a villain or a hero depending on who tells your story. If you were old enough right now to travel to St. Louis County, Missouri you could find yourself in two worlds based upon who you asked to tell you what was going on. Its unfortunate that we will never truly know what happened between Mike Brown and Darren Wilson but I do know that the decision to bring Mr. Wilson to trial or not was not decided by a jury of Mike Brown’s peers and those who wish to can judge him as a “thug” who placed himself in the position to be killed. I also know that Mike Brown will never tell his version of what happened. But you my baby are apart of a generation that will have unlimited access to media and information and it will be your generation that has to use their better judgment when deciding what battles should be fought and who should fight them. Take a honest look at people my baby because not everyone will be here for your betterment and that’s not about being judgmental but rather judging character. It is character that defines a person’s actions when they are left to decide them for themselves, that drives a person’s motives, or that writes post on social media when you don’t have to say what you think aloud to anyone’s face, and its character that shows you who a person really is. So please my baby by all means see the world, be open to new experiences, and don’t judge every book by its cover but when the first chapter is filled with hatred, lies, and other disgusting parts of humanities that I hope you never have to experience (even when I know its inevitable) then at that point its ok to say I see who you are. Be your own judge and jury because this is your life, your rights, your future, etc. and you haven’t been granted the privilege of allowing someone else to protect them.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl reading this. I wish you lived in a society that wouldn’t judge you or place you in a box for your past transgression but this is the world we live in. A world where we have unlimited access to your past and it can be used in anyway seen fit depending on the person. Everyone is not to be trusted and every situation will not have a positive outcome. That doesn’t make you powerless though. Being a good judge of character and understanding the direction you want your life to go in doesn’t make you judgmental or mean that your pessimistic. Walk in your own light and let it be know that anyone or anything that attempts to dim that light won’t be tolerated any longer.

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Indoor Voices

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Dear Ellie:

As you learn more and more day by day the power of your voice I can’t help but laugh as you scream “Daaaaaaaaaady!” anytime your Daddy makes the slightest noise from another room. Hopefully by the time you read this you will have mastered the concept of an “indoor voice” and understand that its not quite appropriate to use your loudest voice all the time. But I have to say my baby I also hope that you never totally loose your voice. Today is election day; one of many election days that I’ve taken you to the polls with me in your short 18 months. I don’t remember ever going to vote with my parents but I do remember them instilling that it was important. I remember them watching the news about the election coverage all night long until the ballots were in (booooooring), and I can honestly say I didn’t appreciate it then but I always knew that when I turned 18 I was going to vote. My 18th birthday fell after I had left for my first year at Clark Atlanta University so I had to absentee vote and while I was proud to vote for the first time I was so uneasy because part of me knew my ballot wasn’t really counted. You see that was the 2004 election which is now infamous for being one of the poorest handled elections of my generation due to so many ballots being “lost” or flat out not counted. I didn’t let feeling disheartened stop me from voting though instead I made sure that the next time I voted it would be in person. As life has taken me through different experiences I’ve realized that my voice is not just limited to my city, state, or country but if I speak loud enough and often enough I could make a difference for people around the world. Your voice has that same power my love bug. You could move mountains with you voice if you use the right tone. But there will be times that you may become discouraged, frustrated, or feel like your voice doesn’t make a difference but trust me when I say it does. Your silence makes a difference too. Silence is not met simply with silence but rather the void left by it will be filled with the voices of those that oppose you and/or what you stand for. Don’t ever let any one speak for you and convince you to use your indoor voice when its time to shout with your loudest outdoor voice. My Aunt Janet once told me when I felt like giving up on something that I should never let the devil shut my mouth to what God has put on my heart to say. It was one of those things where I know she didn’t realize the magnitude of what she had said but it has stuck with me ever since and I often have to remind myself of it. You might find yourself thinking “its not even worth it” or “what difference does it make” but my baby your voice has so much power to it that its worth can not be measured and it could make a world of difference you just have to use it.

Love Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the young girl who feels the world around her has silenced her…speak up. No one has the right to take your voice from you. There are times when it may be all we have left. When you strip away all material things what is your story and how will you tell it? Use your voice for good, speak in a way that brings positivity, and when necessary use your outdoor voice

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Busy Body

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Dear Ellie:

Whenever people ask me how you’re doing I always say great, growing so fast and, always BUSY! You are always busy figuring things out, learning new words, singing new songs, or finding new ways to make me and Daddy laugh. I love to see you so busy but as you get older busy will take on a different meaning. These days people often wear busy like a badge of honor…the busier you can say you are the more important you must be. It reminds of when I was in elementary school and whenever we had a substitute teacher it meant one of two things either we got to watch a fun movie or we had to do busy work. You see busy work was usually a bunch of worksheets that our teacher would leave just so that we could say we did something that day even though it didn’t serve as big a purpose as other classwork. Truth be told filling your day with things that serve no real over all purpose or that aren’t as important as we may like to think is just like having busy work in school. These things allow us to say we were doing something and that we didn’t just sit around doing nothing (because no one wants to be known as the person who sits around doing nothing). In reality though my baby I want you to know there is nothing wrong with not being “busy”. I used to love to be apart of a million things and now that I’m truly busy, because my job as mommy and wife are both 24/7 lifetime positions and require more of me than anything else I’ve ever been apart of, I’ve learned that “busying” my so called free time just sitting on a couch with your Daddy watching you figure out a toy is the best kind of busy there is. I’d rather be busy doing nothing with the people I love than filling my schedule with things that in all honesty can either wait, be put to the side, or delegated to someone else. It took me years to figure out that I don’t have to do it all and I want to make sure I remind you of that early. You don’t have to play a bunch of sports or participate in a bunch of activities to prove anything. I’d rather you spend your time focused on what you love (and yes its fine to remind me of this when I wake you up at the crack of dawn for dance class). We all need to breathe my baby there is no award being the person that worked the most. Dedicate your time and busy yourself with things that serve you and serve a purpose not just what looks good on a to do list because when you really spend your time doing what you want and not just what makes you busy you won’t need one. I never need a list to remind me to hug you tight, or a reminder to call my mom, or an alarm to tell Daddy I love him and I thank God every day I work in a field where I enjoy what I do so its an extension of my purpose rather than a title that sounds good. And I’m not saying there won’t be times in your life where you will have to busy yourself with things you may not want to do to get to where you’re going but just make sure you’re not just doing the busy work of life but rather you’re really enjoying you life because you don’t get a substitute there’s only one life so fill your time with what makes you happy.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S.: To the girl who always has to be in the mix…make sure you are dedicating yourself to people and things that are dedicated to you. You can’t be busy doing things for people who don’t have a second of time for you. This is your life and you will never get to rewind so choose things now that serve you in a positive way. Spend your free time on things that free you emotionally, physically, and/or mentally not on things that make you feel trapped in a endless cycles of things that you “have” to do.

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Carpe Diem

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Dear Ellie:

One thing that traveling is likely to remind you of is that in life sometimes you have to just go for it. As you will know by the time you read this Mommy is a very picky eater, and that’s putting it mildly; but on my trip to London and South Africa I have eaten fish, ostrich, goat, barracuda, and a few items that I’m not even sure I know the name of (but I drew the line at the caterpillar). My motto every time I ate something new has been “Carpe Diem” (or seize the day) and “When in Rome…Do as the Romans”. But my baby I want to remind you that while you should definitely make the most of every new experience, you don’t have to travel around the world to seize the day. Sometimes seizing the day just means going for your dreams like your Uncle who just published his first book. If you have a dream, which I know you will, you don’t have to wait for some magical sign from the universe saying this is exactly the right time, because that may never come. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and jump. I can’t promise that it will work out perfectly anymore than I can promise that I will eat goat again but I can tell you that you won’t regret it. People who live life to the fullest and make the most of every opportunity rarely speak of regrets because they are to busy appreciating the lessons. As a toddler your confidence is inspiring you see something you want to try and because you don’t have a sense of logic or fear you just go for it; I promise to encourage you to keep that spirit for as long as possible. In life there are certainly healthy fears but my baby you don’t always have to fear the unknown sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and seize the day because a second chance is never a guarantee.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl trying to plan every single moment to be perfect…stop. I’ve learned that life does not work that way. While preparation is certainly important, often there is no better time than the present. So whatever it is that you keep putting off until tomorrow…just go for it. There’s no age requirement for going after your dreams…in fact the world just might be waiting for you to do it. So what ever it is you’re putting off for tomorrow I challenge you to just go for it…it’s your day so seize it!

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Fish & Chips

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Dear Ellie:

Hi my baby! Right now Mommy is half a world away, missing you terribly, but thankfully you are blissfully unaware! I’ve spent the last week traveling to London then onto South Africa. It has been amazing to say the absolute least. While in South Africa I was told an African proverb that states, “the power of the fish is in the water”. It reminded me that it’s not just about what’s inside us and our personal attributes if we are not sure to align ourselves with an environment that allows us to thrive we will suffocate what we were meant to be. A fish can not breathe out of water anymore than you will be able to fit in somewhere that you should stand out. Our environment contributes so much to who we are don’t forget that my baby. If you find yourself in a place that only drains the water out of your fishbowl or the power out of who you are…find a new one. And as you grow and learn you may not always know exactly the right environment for you so I promise that until you can I will do EVERYTHING in my power to ensure that you are in an environment that encourages and nurtures the power within you. And don’t be afraid to explore ; the more you open your eyes the more you can definitively say where you belong and understand the world around you. By going to England before South Africa I was so much more aware of British influence in this country. Life is a continuous cycle of lessons and there’s no bigger teacher than our environment. And my baby if you ever find yourself feeling like a fish out of water look around, take stock, and find where you’re meant to be…find the environment that empowers you not suffocates you.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl feeling trapped in her environment…change it. If you feel like you live in a bad neighborhood volunteer, give back to your community, be the change you want to see. I know you can’t always pick up and leave but you can always take your power back…after all it’s yours!

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For Your Consideration

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Dear Ellie:

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, and I’m still learning, from being a wife and mom is the art of constantly being considerate of others. I say art because I think its something that may come natural or that we can learn from observation but to truly be considerate it takes practice and care. It takes skill to stop yourself in the midst of your anger, busy day, or selfishness and truly think about how that other person must be feeling or what their reaction would be to your action. You will have a time in your life where you will have the right to be selfish and to do things that are best for just you regardless of others because you won’t truly be responsible for anyone else and during that time I will do my best to encourage you to enjoy it. While there are certainly perks to being tied to you and Daddy I know that I can appreciate it so much more because I was able to freely enjoy other phases of my life and I can look back now with the understanding that while I cared about and took into consideration the feelings of those I love I ultimately made decisions based on my thoughts and feelings. But while I want you to enjoy that phase of your life as well I also want you to also remember that for every action there is a reaction and we are never really alone; we are always connected to those around us. So with that in mind my baby be sure to be considerate of others and what their role is in your life and vice versa. Despite the fact that me and Daddy’s world revolve around you the entire planet does not operate like that (shocking I know). Before you ask something of someone be sure to consider if the tables were turned would you do what you are asking of that person and if you did how would you feel about it. When we sharpen our ability to connect with the feelings of others around us it essentially leads to us being better human beings. It is not enough though to be aware of others feelings but we have to constantly make an active decision to care. That sounds easy but when your own feelings get hurt, or your desires hang over your head, or we begin to move so fast that it all becomes a blur of things we are unaware of in the midst of our tunnel vision we can easily miss this major piece to the puzzle. I hope for you to always keep your heart free to love and care and to never let it harden over so that you can’t connect your humanity with that of another person. I hope that you don’t allow the world to desensitize you to the traumas of others or the daily emotions of those in your life as they are equally important.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl who is proud to say “I don’t care”…this is not a bragging right my dear. Whatever has occurred to harden your heart that it can no longer function to its full capacity to love and care for another person…let it go. Be considerate of your self and allow your self the opportunity to freely use your heart. Be brave enough to care despite the pain.

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Law of Energy

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Dear Ellie:

If I wouldn’t have had to take extra chemistry classes I secretly think that I would have been a physicist. Next to Psychology, Physics was my favorite class in high school and though I don’t even remotely use anything I learned from that class in my day to day life (and no that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to study for your physics exam) I still remember the things I learned. One of those things is the law of conservation which says that energy cannot be created or destroyed however it can be transferred. This is not only true for kinetic, mechanical, or chemical but also for your personal spiritual energy. I believe that we transfer our energy back and forth everyday. When you get older you will notice that when a stranger is nice to you it may put a smile on your face or encourage you to be nice to another stranger; that my baby is a simple exchange of positive energy. You may also notice that being around someone who is always angry, usually for someone unknown reason, will drain you and that my baby is because that pulls on our energy too. I believe that we pull on the people’s energy around us subconsciously to balance our own energy levels. The further you allow yourself to get away from your positive energy the harder you will have to work to get it back. With that being said it is imperative that you surround yourself with people who can pour positivity into you. You also have to pour back the amount of positive energy into people that they pour into you. I would say pour into people what they pour into you but pouring negativity into people who try to drown you in their toxic energy will not do you any good. There will be people, whether family, friend or foe, who will not deserve your energy and that’s ok…you do not have to be everything to every body. Please do not wait until years down the line to realize you are constantly spreading yourself thin for people who wouldn’t do the same for you. But I also don’t want you think that you have to play tit for tat all energy is not exchanged the same way. For instance, between you and Daddy I have every single ounce of good vibes I need to get me through my day by 7am simply by being in your presence so don’t ever worry about buying me expensive gifts to match the money I’ve spent on you or anything like that because being around you is more than enough. If you know someone is a good force in your life then be that for them in whatever way you’re able. And in that same breath remember that everyone’s energy doesn’t mix so don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t support you or pour into you the way you would hope. I promise you that you have every ounce of positive energy behind you that you need. Even when I’m not physically with you my thoughts and prayers are always with you and so are the thoughts and prayers of a lot of other people’s that love you. Some people will never even express their support for you but you will feel their energy and some people will claim to love and support you yet you never feel anything but negativity from them. Use your energy radar to guide you and appreciate those who give you their positivity because its an asset that we can’t afford to waste in this world.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

 

P.S. To the girl waiting on someone to love you or show you they care please don’t waste your time. If someone is supposed to be on your side they will be no one is obligated to you. All we can truly do in life is appreciate those who help to restore our good energy when the world steals it away. And even though we should appreciate those people you don’t have to wait for them..take the time to do whatever you need to do to heal and get yourself back to a place of positivity.

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A Love Like This

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Dear Ellie:

I had a thought in mind as I went to write this letter to you and then I heard of the passing of another legend, Ruby Dee. As I tell you all the time, and will continue to, its one of my most important missions in life to ensure that you know and respect the stories of those that came before you so I don’t doubt that by the time you read this on your own you will know who the fabulously talented Ruby Dee was. So today I’m not writing to you about just her exactly but more so the love she had with her husband who passed before her Ossie Davis. Not only did they act in countless movies, plays, etc together they also strived together to fight for things they believed in. I remember seeing pictures of them or watching old movies with my Granny and thinking “man that’s love”. They just exuded love; you could see it in every picture, mannerisms, and look. And I’m sure that there were days when they couldn’t stand each other (cause that’s how love works) but they were the definition of a unit. They remind me of another power couple. They weren’t famous or anything but their love was powerful enough. I’m speaking of my Granny and Grandaddy Paul. My Mommy’s Daddy passed before I was born so I never had the chance to meet him but I could always feel him around. He was in the way your Granny spoke and even there in the dead of night when she would call out to him in her sleep. I remember once she was asked why she never remarried and she said…”To Who?”. She was so taken aback at the question as though it never crossed her mind. She said…”Who else was there?” And in that moment I remember thinking I want a love like a that. A love so powerful that it could help change laws in a country where human beings were seen as less than because of the color or their skin and at the same time so powerful that you couldn’t even imagine life with someone else. The kind of love that gives you confidence that this is it from every up, down, left, and right you know in your heart of hearts you love someone that you can ride it out until the wheels fall off. Some people may say that that’s just how love used to be that they don’t make love like that anymore. Well my baby I think that God is love and with that being my truth how could I ever believe that the kind of love that will last a lifetime doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m so thankful that I know in my heart you will grow up seeing love because he gave me your Daddy. Yes things and times change but a heart is a heart and love is love. But at the same time I don’t want your life to be all about chasing love of a person, because when it’s right it will find you, but I do hope that you always believe in love my baby. After your first, second, or third heart break I hope you keep believing; and I hope that belief helps you to realize that you don’t have to settle for just any love. And my baby everybody’s love looks different so don’t strive for a relationship like Mommy and Daddy’s or even Ruby Dee and Ossie. There’s a love that God created and intended just for you and no one has to understand it but you. And my hopes for you go beyond love for another person I hope the kind of love I’m telling you about consumes your whole life. I pray you have a career that you love and allows you to serve your purpose, that you have hobbies you love, and that life takes you places you fall in love with. Who says every moment of life can’t be great?! Yes as I’ve told you there will be hard times along your journey but when you know in you’re heart that its just a part of a journey toward something you love it makes it so much more worth it. So my baby love hard even if you can’t explain but you know its right go for it. And if that love leaves you I hope you find it again like Ossie has Ruby again and Herbert got Elizabeth back.

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl searching for love…STOP! Love isn’t a scavenger hunt or a game of hide and seek. It will find you when you least expect it. Just keep living and loving yourself, your life, and your purpose (even if you don’t know what it is yet) and eventually you will attract the love God intended for you. The kind of love you won’t have to beg for or feel bad about. Just a regular old day in day out I love you even at your worst type of love.

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Shady Queens

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Dear Ellie:

When you look at the women in your family you will see so many beautiful complexions. From fair and flawless to dark and divine there are queens of all shades around you. I remember when you were just a tiny baby, only a few months old, and me and Daddy watched a program on women who had issues with skin tone and many prayed for their daughters to be of a light skin tone. Me and Daddy both said we prayed for the opposite a pretty brown baby that was our complexion. Now I look at you enjoying the sunshine with your caramel kissed skin, that’s lighter than mommy’s, you have no worries of “getting to dark” or what it means to have someone say “you’re pretty for a brown girl”. But as I sat having a discussion with some of the queens in your family this past weekend I quickly remembered that one day you just might have someone try to interject these thoughts into your mind. Don’t ever forget how beautiful you are my baby not in spite of or because of any one thing like skin tone or hair texture…you simply are what you are which is beautiful. And my baby while you’re remembering your own beauty and walking with your own head high remember that every woman around you should be wearing a crown too. Unfortunately in our world some of the women you meet will have had someone in their life who snatched that crown through harsh words and criticisms but that doesn’t mean it can’t be earned back. Sometimes its as simple as telling the lady in front of you in the grocery store she looks nice…no explanation needed. For all you know you may give her the compliment that reminds her to start looking in the mirror and telling herself the same. There is no objective standard of beauty my baby its all subjective. Everyone has an opinion and a preference and that is fine but what is important is that you can 1. appreciate the beauty you’ve been given and 2. learn to see it in others. Your Uncle is amazing at this he sees beauty and goodness in EVERYONE (Mommy’s still working on it) and I hope you learn that being around him. History has tried and, though I hate to say it, often succeeded at dividing people of color by their color. I can say it no plainer than to blatantly tell you light skin women are no prettier and dark skin women are no smarter than the next its all about your mindset. In fact I think its amazing that you can look at the women who share the same DNA as you and see so many beautiful variations. So there is no need to stand in the shade my baby. Stand right there in the sun like you do now and let the sun work its miracle and bring out the browness of your heritage. No matter what cruel words may come your way, whether directed at you or around you, I hope these words that I write to you and plan to tell you daily ring out the loudest you are beautiful and your beauty doesn’t lessen anyone else’s…there is room for all of us in the sun.

 

Love You Always,

Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who gets made fun of for being “light bright” or “to dark” I know it hurts but remind yourself you are someone’s idea of the most beautiful girl in the world. If you don’t think its possible then first you have to convince yourself. Tell yourself you are beautiful and let your thoughts become your truth. And to the little girl making fun of the other little girl who doesn’t look like her…be a queen. Queens don’t rule with nastiness…I mean who ever dreamed of being the wicked witch instead of the princess.

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Unplug

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Dear Ellie:

I want to thank you for taking my phone for a swim in Harvey’s water bowl yesterday. Because you did, and because I also left my bag with my laptop and iPad when I picked you up after work, I was with out all of my technology devices. I use those items to take pictures of you and share them with loved ones, check email, text people, scroll through social media when I should be studying, and when I’m finally able to focus write papers and read articles for my dissertation. You were born into a world where technology has become an extension of the human race. It’s apart of almost everything. And don’t get me wrong I love technology but today you reminded me to unplug and tap into the simple things…the realllllly simple things like turning the tv by hand, because I usually use an app on my phone. By the time you grow up there’s really no telling where technology will be but wherever it’s at give yourself time to tune in to real life not social media or apps on a phone but just regular old singing songs cause you can’t turn on pandora real life. My baby you will quickly see that’s it’s the things that don’t change that really matter. Reserve time for your own quiet moments, they will quickly become pieces of gold when life starts to move too fast. And it’s ok to turn off the email, text messages, etc those who really need you will find you and those who don’t…well they will still be there in the morning. I promise you the world will not go up in flames because a work email that comes through Sunday night goes unanswered until office hours. And if life is still simple when you read this that cute boy can wait for a call back too. Everyone doesn’t need immediate and constant access to you. Take time to remember what’s really important. I’m so grateful that thanks to you I always will.

Love you always,

Mommy

P.S. To the girl that is the first to sign up for every social media site have fun but don’t forget the power we give technology. Technology owns every piece of information we give it and it can never really be erased. Ask yourself do you reallllllly want technology to own your every emotion, thought, and picture, that you’ll hate of yourself by this time next week anyway,…if the answer is no then keep it for yourself or your friends…everything isn’t for everyone.