Dear Ellie:

This week sports anchor Stephen A. Smith was placed on suspension from his sports talk show because of comments he made regarding a woman not provoking a man to hit her after the spouse of a sports star admitted that an altercation began between herself and her spouse after she hit him. I know by the time you read this society will have long since moved on and forgotten the exact wording Mr. Smith used but I don’t think it was his words that made people upset but more so the overall concept he was discussing. In my eyes the real underlying issue is the culture of violence amongst many low income and/or minority groups. Children who are constantly in defense mode ready to fight whether boy on boy, girl on boy, or girl on girl grow into adults who have yet to learn to how to resolve conflict despite the fact that the playing field is no longer even as one group has the undisputed ability to inflict more harm. Monday through Friday when I leave you in the morning I do so to work with individuals effected by domestic violence something I’m passionate about. And in serving them in different capacities I’ve learned so much that I don’t think I would have been as aware of otherwise so I feel inclined to ensure I have discussions about topics such as these despite the potential for it to be uncomfortable. Through working with adolescent girls I’ve come to realize it is not good enough to just to tell you not to let a man put his hands on you because in reality it’s not really about “letting” anyone do anything. The word let gives the impression that there is some type of choice in the matter as opposed to the reality of someone snatching power away from you. So my baby I promise to not just say don’t let a man put his hands on you but I promise to also talk to you about the signs that come before the literal slap in the face. I also promise not to raise you or allow you to participate in a culture of violence that promotes violent relationships from either side of the coin. Physically fighting your spouse does not make it any less a case of domestic violence nor does it prove anything or make you tough. I saw a video on Facebook today that broke my heart a girl who could’ve been no older than 16 was begging a male peer to hit her while arguing with him as he repeatedly told her to get out of his face (and I don’t say begging based on my opinion of her deserving to be hit because as I’m sure I’ve taught you by now no one deserves it but rather actually asking him to hit her). It broke my heart because I wondered where she learned this and what was going through her head to make her so sure that this boy would hit her, and because I knew that part of her probably thought that if she antagonized him enough to hit her then she would be in control of the situation rather than a victim. I want to make it explicitly clear to you my baby that you do not have to live life like that. Fighting a man does not make you tough, asking for help if he hits you does not make you weak, and being in a relationship where tempers are always flaring and you or your spouse “can’t control yourself” does not make it “real”. You have the right to live life in peace and while Daddy and I provide you with that atmosphere now I know there will come a time, far to soon for my liking, that you will have to make choices that define your lifestyle for yourself. When that time comes remember your worth my baby remember that you are a Queen and align yourself with that image. When I think of Queens I think of a quiet strength one that no one would dare test because they know standards must be met. Love yourself always my baby and set expectations for how the world should treat you but don’t forget to return the favor. It is my hope and sincere prayer that you never get caught in a cycle of violence and in that same prayer I remember your male cousins ( the whole gang of them) and hope that somewhere another Mommy is teaching their daughter to respect the gentlemen they are becoming so that your generation can create the peace that should start in our homes.

Love You Always,
Mommy

P.S. To the little girl who will fight a boy at the drop of a dime or whose intended solution should they ever find themselves in a domestic violence situation is to fight him not just for the moment but for the duration of the relationship…it’s ok to walk away. Feel free to end any relationship, as safely as possible, where you are being disrespected. Allow yourself peace. I have met women who have literally had to fight for their lives…thankfully that is not you. Instead of preparing yourself for a fight that has not yet began reevaluate your standards, set a new plateau and rise above violence. It’s alright to be alone if you can’t be respected. And if you have already found yourself constantly having to fight there is always help even in the darkest hour.